WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Chief Strategist and media executive Steve Bannon was offered some change and a hot meal when he was discovered by a homeless man Monday. Bannon reportedly accepted the gracious offer and joined the unnamed transient for lunch at McDonald’s.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House held an emergency press conference after Biden’s COVID diagnosis to assure the nation that whoever is actually running the country right now is still completely healthy.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Only one day after Biden’s miraculous recovery from cancer, White House sources have confirmed the President now has COVID. Doctors say that the twice-boosted president only has mild symptoms, but has tragically lost his keen sense of smell. The White House will continue to provide updates and notify the country if his […]
SOMERSET, MA — After Biden seemed to announce he has cancer during a speech today, the White House quickly issued a retraction, clarifying that Biden only said that because of his dementia.
WASHINGTON,D.C. — After months of saying that he has no control over the price of gas, President Joe Biden is taking credit as prices dip by 2 cents. To highlight this monumental achievement, Biden has been placing “I did that!” stickers on gas pumps everywhere he goes.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Due to the influx of new residents from Liberal states, DeSantis has signed an order outlawing man-buns before they can infect the proud and masculine culture of Florida.
NEW YORK, NY — In a ruling experts believe to be particularly heavy-handed, the comedy writers who were arrested in June at the nation’s Capitol have been cruelly sentenced by a heartless judge to keep writing for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
LOS GATOS, CA — As Netflix announced the loss of one million subscribers this month, ten million people have also discovered that for some reason their Netflix login no longer seems to be working.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — AOC is still being held 1 day after her high-profile arrest at the Supreme Court building, as Capitol Police have confirmed that they misplaced the invisible key for her invisible handcuffs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ilhan Omar was arrested by Capitol Police at an abortion rally yesterday. According to sources, she has used her prison phone call to contact both her husband and her brother.
SELLERSVILLE, PA — Safety officials have confirmed that the rickety-looking, collapsible roller coaster at your local town carnival, which is currently being operated by a toothless meth addict, is probably fine.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After hearing about Alex Stein’s public applauding of Hispanic hindquarters, Senator Ted Cruz walked back and forth in front of him today, hoping to score a compliment on his own butt.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a heroic protest at the Supreme Court, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spent the better part of three hours sitting in an invisible police car with her wrists bound by invisible handcuffs, waiting to be taken to an invisible jail.
BISMARCK, ND — After seeing President Biden travel to Saudi Arabia to beg for more oil, North Dakota decided to assassinate and dismember a journalist so the president would let them drill for oil.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fauci announced this week he will be retiring at the end of Biden’s term as president. To recognize Dr. Fauci for his valiant service to the country, the Biden Administration will honor the outgoing COVID Czar with a 21-booster shot salute.
GLENDALE, CA — This week, Kurt Ivanson of Point Of Faith Tabernacle warned the congregation that his next song would be an original. The congregation has reported bracing for a very painful 7 to 10 minutes.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Public Radio faced criticism last week following the announcement of a Disinformation Reporting Team but was quick to clarify that its role is to spread more disinformation rather than prevent it.
SAN JOSE, CA — According to whispered reports coming from the break room, the coworker standing at his desk obviously just hasn’t learned about chairs yet.
TWITTER — After centuries of dispute amongst the greatest theological minds in history, the puzzle of free will and predestination was suddenly solved last night through a debate on Twitter.
U.S. — The results of a new study conducted by NBC News found that 97% of female viewers who tune into episodes of Dateline are researching how to kill their husbands. Producers of the long-running news program, known for its true crime documentaries and investigative reporting, are reportedly “uneasy” about the results of the study. […]
UVALDE, TX — After an armed private citizen bravely stopped a mass shooting at an Indiana mall, the Uvalde Police Department in Texas issued a statement of condemnation, criticizing the citizen for not waiting outside for an hour.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hunter Biden’s iCloud account was hacked by 4chan users revealing all his personal texts, contacts as well as pictures and videos. In the fallout, truly shocking images of Hunter Biden are now being seen by the public — including photos of Hunter fully clothed and not smoking crack.
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