CAMBRIDGE, MA — Elizabeth Warren has called for a full federal ban on pregnancy centers, claiming they’re killing helpless pregnant women by luring them onto a big red “X” and then dropping a piano on their heads.
Being a conservative working at Starbucks is more dangerous than being a Navy Seal behind enemy lines. If you want to play a fun game, try looking for the closeted conservative at your local Starbucks. There’s usually at least one. Just don’t out them, or you may ruin their lives!
LOS ANGELES, CA — Frustrated drug addicts report inflation has become so out of control, they are now only getting a tenth of the crack they used to be able to buy for the same price.
NASHVILLE, TN — Authorities were dispatched to the Nashville Zoo after Psychology professor and free-speech activist Jordan Peterson disregarded all signs saying “do not ride the ostriches” while shouting “up yours, woke moralists!” at the top of his lungs.
SPACE — This week, NASA unveiled photos of distant galaxy clusters now visible from the world’s most powerful telescope. After seeing the images, millions have reported an uncontrollable urge to praise whoever may have created such a majestic, expansive universe.
So, you’re working for a woke corporation. Sad! It’s a hard life working for “the man,” and it’s even harder when “the man” is a non-binary pansexual neurodivergent transspecies disabled person who will fire you if you misgender them. How will you ever survive?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a touching address to the American people this week, Biden acknowledged that many minorities are struggling in this economy, and vowed to work hard to help them, whether they are “black, yellow, or taco.”
CINCINNATI, OH — Proctor & Gamble has released a brand new maximum-strength version of its popular Febreze air freshener product designed to combat the intense odor of bedrooms occupied by Jr. High-aged boys. The powerful air freshener comes in a specially engineered canister that allows desperate parents to spray the high-potency contents all at once. […]
BOSTON, MA — Senator Elizabeth Warren is condemning the Underground Railroad for using devious and deceptive tactics to trick slaves into escaping their masters.
NEW YORK, NY — Multiple Waffle House locations have been forced to close their doors permanently following an uptick in public safety and a drastic reduction in crime. The Waffle House locations were simply no longer able to function in pristine, well-funded areas that their customers were not used to.
U.S. — In a bid to get WNBA star Brittney Griner out of Russian prison and back home to the states where she belongs, Americans have eagerly stepped up to offer up LeBron James as a substitute.
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — Despite an already crowded field consisting of popular incumbent Greg Abbott, Irish drug-addict Robert O’Rourke, and several unknown candidates, a dark horse candidate has threatened to upset the governor’s race: Bucc-ee Beaver announced his candidacy today.
LEBANON, KY — Local Christian radio DJ Jessie Korah, host of “Morning Trumpet” on 97.7FM Coastlands Radio, experiences constant feelings of déjà vu that the songs he’s broadcasting are the exact same ones he did just an hour before.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — NASA’s James Webb space telescope team has unveiled the farthest and most massive image of deep space ever captured. In light of the success of the program, NASA has announced they will be developing an even larger space telescope to capture a photograph of your mom.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, senior White House aides are still searching for a Biden they can send out in public following recent gaffes and federal crimes committed by Joe, Jill, and Hunter Biden.
Jill Biden recently referred to Latino people as “Breakfast Tacos,” eschewing the more politically correct term, “Brxxkfst Txcxs.” Despite her faux pas, this isn’t the first time she’s used colorful language to describe some ethnicities. Here are most of the other times:
U.S. — According to recent polling data, the Americans described by Jill Biden as “breakfast tacos” are inexplicably switching to the Republican Party in record numbers.
PROVIDENCE, RI — According to the results of a new study conducted by Brown University, exactly 100% of work meetings ever held in all of human history, across all industries and sectors, have been entirely unnecessary.
AUSTIN, TX — Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk’s children inside without sacrificing comfort.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was saved in the face of overwhelming odds when former President Trump returned as Trump the White at first light Monday to drain the swamp, finally making good on a campaign promise from days of old. He was joined by Dutch farmers, Canadian truckers, and those who would carry the banner […]
The entire contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.
WASHINGTON — The January 6th hearings ended early last week when a custodian knocked on the door before poking his head in to request that the January 6th Committee clear out for the next group on the schedule.
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