SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Cotton candy vendor Rowan Milton patiently bided his time until the most important play of the game before positioning himself squarely in front of all the fans in section 207.
SACRAMENTO, CA — In an ongoing effort to reduce the state’s carbon footprint, Governor Gavin Newsom announced California will require all toddler racecar beds to be entirely electric by the year 2030.
ARVADA, CO — New dad Ben Olsen proudly completed changing his baby’s diaper this morning with only 427 wipes, down from his previous record of 856 wipes.
U.S. — YouTube personality UgliDawn is seemingly trapped in an endless loop of reacting to his own reaction videos and his fans are concerned. His latest video, “I React To My Reaction Of My Last Reaction Part 25” has over 13 million views and counting.
CHICAGO, IL — Authorities have been alerted as to the presence of a suspicious white van at the corner of State St. and Huron. Local sources confirmed that this 12-passenger white Ford Econoline belongs to either a dangerous kidnapper or a nice Catholic family.
WORLD — After many heated debates over matters of theology, doctrine, and church carpet color, Lutherans have all finally agreed to split and form his or her own individual synod.
U.S. — Wayland Corporation has proudly announced the appointment of their new Chief Diversity Officer, who just so happens to be a white woman. The company says that it values diversity above all else and made this hire to show how serious they are about it.
KYIV — Following a successful first term as Chief Executive of the United States of America, Volodymyr Zelensky has officially announced plans to run for a second term as U.S. President.
ALPHARETTA, GA — North Point Community Church Pastor Andy Stanley has announced a brand new sermon series in which he will forgo his usual preaching style and instead just beat up a Bible with a steel chair.
BEDFORD, CT — Part-time professor of archaeology Indiana Jones has reportedly changed his name to Land Stolen From Indigenous Peoples Jones out of respect for Native Americans who had their land stolen from them by white colonizers.
NEW YORK — Fox News announced today that they will fill their primetime slot with a computer monitor that will sit there and play Tucker Carlson’s livestream on Twitter.
ST LOUIS, MO — Anheuser-Busch, the company that makes Bud Light, has suffered weeks of stagnant sales following a simple marketing campaign celebrating breathtaking female woman Dylan Mulvaney, who is totally a woman. In response, Bud Light has worked tirelessly to revive its brand and appeal to loyal customers by adding mullets to every can.
WORLD — The top female scientific minds from around the globe have come together in hopes of once and for all figuring out what the purpose of the strange lever that makes the car lights blink is. According to reports, these trailblazing researchers are determined to stop at nothing to unravel the secrets of this […]
CLEVELAND, OH — A brilliant young doctor with the Cleveland Clinic’s Long COVID Care Center has discovered a new cure for the debilitating chronic condition, which involves simply telling patients to stop faking it.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gay Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has announced he will be taking another 6 months of parental leave following his adoption of a section of I-95 south of D.C.
U.S. — Vice President Kamala Harris was honored with an honorary degree from America’s premier clown college Wednesday for her hard work clowning around the nation’s capital. Harris joins a pantheon of great American clowns such as Lori Lightfoot and John Wayne Gacy.
ATLANTA, GA — As the Durham report reveals inconvenient facts about the Trump-Russia investigation and lies told by CNN, the cable news station elected to purchase a large excavator that will help them bury the report altogether.
NEW YORK, NY — Following through on his campaign promise to help vulnerable groups regardless of their legal status, benevolent New York Mayor Eric Adams has declared Texas a sanctuary state for illegal immigrants.
AUSTIN, TX — After controversial comments that spooked investors in Tesla and Twitter, Elon Musk has finally come forward to apologize to Magneto for comparing him to the dastardly villain Goerge Soros.
COLORADO CITY, CO — Hasbro’s classic naval combat game Battleship has found a new champion in 7-year-old Billy Berkin who has reportedly developed an unstoppable strategy of not putting any ships on the board.
SUNDERLAND, MD — After catching his teenage son looking at pornography, local father Daniel Gouge sat his son down for a heart-to-heart talk before meting out justice by giving him a copy of the latest swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, which features Martha Stewart on the cover.
KANSAS CITY, MO (NOT THE KS SIDE) – As the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America embraces a growing number of progressive positions, local Lutheran man Cliff Cliffstofferson wants to clarify that he is one of the weird ones who still believes The Bible.
1
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT