U.S. — Representative George Santos was taken into custody this morning on federal money laundering, theft, and fraud charges. Americans are still on edge, however, as 534 dangerous felons in Congress still remain at large.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the most recent instance of his seemingly endless series of gaffes, President Joe Biden was left red-faced after he inadvertently signed an actual human being named “Bill” rather than a piece of legislation.
BROWNSVILLE, TX — With unprecedented numbers of migrants lined up at the southern U.S. border, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas was seen heading there to fire a starter’s pistol the moment Title 42 is to expire.
ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Several of Ascend Church’s sermon streaming YouTube playlists have garnered large audiences, but none more than youth pastor’s Paul “Do The Griddy” Duncan’s weekly live stream. Marshall has earned national attention for his ability to connect with Generation Z, as exemplified by his recent sermon series “Joseph And His Many Colored Bussin’ […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid lawlessness, human tragedy, and 750,000 people preparing to rush the southern border this Thursday, President Biden talked to the press and assured the American people that someone in his administration is probably going to do something about it.
DES MOINES, IA — Authorities have been dispatched to a local residence after disturbing reports that a set of parents — who are clearly deranged psychopaths — lit a chocolate cake on fire and then gave it to an innocent child.
Alright, SIMPS! These days, it’s getting harder and harder to find any real men. Not guys who are “in touch with their feelings” or “enjoy a good pair of barefoot wingtip shoes” — we’re talking real-deal, manly men. If you want to be a testosterone-filled HIGH-VALUE bro, you need to keep a sharp eye out […]
TEMECULA, CA — Local man William Swoop arrived home after a long day at work Friday but found himself incapable of shutting off his car and entering his home. Sources say this is because Led Zepplin’s “Stairway to Heaven” started playing on the radio, forcing him to idle in his driveway for seven minutes and […]
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — A local little league baseball game was brought to a halt over the weekend after confusion arose over who the crowd was cheering. Young Jayden Wears was unsure whether the fans in the bleachers were, in fact, cheering for him, or for his teammates — Aiden, Braiden, or Cayden.
NEW YORK, NY — Amid incessant fears that Don Lemon may somehow find a way to return to his post at CNN, leadership at the satirical news organization took an unprecedented measure today and fired him for a second time, just to make sure.
ISRAEL — After collecting twelve baskets of leftover food from Jesus’ miraculous feeding of the five-thousand, the disciples asked the kid who brought fish and loaves if perhaps his mom could pack wings and nachos next time.
U.S. — Deprived of free group therapy after late-night shows were shut down by the writers’ strike, liberals have found themselves now having to pay for actual psychotherapy.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After word got out that an FBI whistleblower was accusing Joe Biden of taking bribes during his time as Vice President, the President quickly told his advisors that he needed to spin the “Wheel of Distraction” to get everyone talking about something else.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to establish government oversight of the growing role of artificial intelligence in our society, President Biden has appointed Vice President Kamala Harris as “A.I. Czar.” The President expressed hope that Harris’s track record of slowing the spread of intelligence will be of use.
TULSA, OK — A local man who has never read a page of science fiction has reportedly sung praises at how great A.I. will be for humanity, insisting it will bring forth a fruitful world of peace and prosperity.
NEW YORK, NY — History books and documentary films around the world will be undergoing significant revisions after an announcement was made that Adolf Hitler, long regarded as arguably the evilest human being in history, has now been exonerated of all his crimes after historians discovered some absolutely delightful footage of him moonwalking on the […]
ANNAPOLIS, MD — As part of its push for diversity and inclusiveness in recruitment, the United States Navy has announced that it will provide unlimited Bud Light for all new recruits. The Navy hopes this offer will entice recruits of an even broader range of alternative lifestyles to join the service.
KINGMAN, AZ — An adult male is reportedly still using the phrase “cool beans” despite the current year being 2023, sources say. Dallas Woodrow, an Arizona native, shocked co-workers at Desert Burro Ltd. when he used the term to acknowledge a job well done.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A group of local bros were able to provide their own entertainment during a night out drinking cosmos as they took turns laughing at their friend who had gayly ordered a Bud Light.
BLUE SPRINGS, MO — A local father determined the time had come to sit his young son down and officially have “The Talk”…about the Star Wars sequel trilogy. The man reportedly knew he couldn’t avoid it any longer once the boy began to talk about how great The Last Jedi was.
BRIGHTON, UK — The Attenborough family reportedly expressed regret for having brought Grandpa to the beach with them for a leisure weekend. The grandkids in particular wished he would just shut up and let them enjoy the beach.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT