NEW YORK, NY — As part of a continued push to project a more inclusive, body-positive message, this year’s edition of the iconic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue will feature a walrus wearing a bikini. Decision-makers at the publication are certain the public will love the choice.
NEW BRITAIN, PA — Local parents Tim and Julia Yoder were understandably upset when their 17-year-old daughter Carlie came home drunk last weekend. However, their anger quickly turned to relief upon learning that Carlie had not, in fact, been consuming Bud Light.
If you’re like the rest of us here in the United States, you feel like the last couple of years has put you through the wringer. Let’s face it — the Biden presidency hasn’t been all it was cracked up to be. Too bad!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein has announced she will be temporarily stepping away from her seat on the Judiciary Committee to head toward a warm, bright light that seems to be beckoning her.
DIGHTON, MA — Military police have arrested Jack Teixeira for allegedly leaking classified documents that contained information on the war in Ukraine. Teixeira, an Air National Guardsman, is currently kicking himself for not just leaving documents strewn around an unlocked garage as the President did.
If you’re like the rest of us here in the United States, you feel like the last couple of years has put you through the wringer. Let’s face it — the Biden presidency hasn’t been all it was cracked up to be. Too bad!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat Senator Dianne Feinstein has announced she will be temporarily stepping away from her seat on the Judiciary Committee to head toward a warm, bright light that seems to be beckoning her.
DIGHTON, MA — Military police have arrested Jack Teixeira for allegedly leaking classified documents that contained information on the war in Ukraine. Teixeira, an Air National Guardsman, is currently kicking himself for not just leaving documents strewn around an unlocked garage as the President did.
MANHATTAN, NY — A resident of New York City’s financial district spoke to reporters this week to express his consternation about commuters neglecting the city’s premiere transportation infrastructure. Local reporters can be seen wincing in the footage, as the resident in question was an unhoused and unclothed person.
BOSTON, MA — The office of Doctor Rodney Thorne has had a busy week telling patients he is no longer providing gender-affirming care to minors, while also emphasizing that the decision to cancel all gender transition surgeries has nothing to do with the massive pile of lawsuits stacked against the wall behind his office.
AUSTIN, TX — After legions of Texas feminists were thrown into an uproar over a court ruling prohibiting the sending of abortion pills by mail, Planned Parenthood released a statement assuring people they would begin mailing out loaded handguns instead.
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — Due to an increasingly packed daily schedule, a local man was recently forced to start skipping his workouts at night instead of his normal practice of skipping his workouts in the mornings.
There are demons out there, y’all. An entire unseen world doing battle for everyone’s souls, and we’re just stuck here in the middle of it, eating our ramen noodles and watching reality TV. Just think, you may be possessed by a demon right now and you don’t even know it!
LOS ANGELES, CA — Disney’s live-action remake of The Little Mermaid promises to revitalize the classic with a more diverse cast and crew, as well as the addition of an extended romantic scene that ends with Ariel reviewing and signing a 35-page consent form before Eric is able to “Kiss The Girl.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Public Radio, a government-supported news organization, is vehemently denying “slanderous” accusations that they are national and public.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In brief remarks today regarding the ongoing debate about biological male athletes identifying as females and competing in women’s sports, President Joe Biden made sure to specifically thank former soccer star and controversial activist Megan Rapinoe for supporting inclusivity.
U.S. — In the tumultuous wake of Elon Musk taking over Twitter, many Leftists on the platform are reporting a disturbing rise in the number of people they hate being allowed to use speech.
BLUE SPRINGS, MO — A local father has run into a problem familiar to other dads across the country, as by the time he had finished installing a new car seat for his young child, the child had already outgrown it.
BRAZIL — Deep in the Amazon jungle, a group of progressive Christian missionaries is hard at work spreading the good news of alternative lifestyles to unreached native tribes. The missionaries hope their efforts will bear fruit as they introduce some gay stuff to previously untouched civilizations.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Defense is taking unprecedented steps to secure the Pentagon after a massive intel leak put lives in danger around the world. According to sources, officials are hoping they’ve seen the last of damaging security breaches thanks to their brand-new Ring doorbell.
U.S. — With controversy swirling around Disney’s The Little Mermaid reboot and plans to rework the song “Kiss The Girl” to include lyrics about consent, Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle released a statement applauding the changes.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Outraged Senate Democrats are calling for the investigation of a local black man who allegedly went on vacation without their permission.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Former NCAA swimming champion and current women’s rights activist Riley Gaines has been arrested and charged with forcing trans activists to physically assault her after giving a speech regarding protecting women’s sports at San Francisco State University.
ROOSEVELT, UT — After years of frustration at her husband’s inability to pay attention to the brief, three-hour conversations she forced him into, local wife Florence Berph implemented a brilliant new tactic to trick him into listening by starting with, “Welcome to my podcast.”
Trump, as we all know, is an existential threat to democracy itself! If we don’t destroy him, the unparalleled peace and prosperity Biden brought to America will be over for good! Oh no!
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT