WASHINGTON, D.C. — Campbell’s Biology Textbook, 11th Edition, was arrested on the charge of inciting violence after it repeatedly insisted that only women can get pregnant.
NEW HAVEN, CT — Freshly transitioned to a woman, Leslie Roberson tasted the sweet thrill of womanhood this morning as she absolutely smashed his car into a curb.
THE INTERNET — Humanity’s suspicions were finally confirmed today, as the password bot has confessed to sometimes saying “incorrect password” on the first try just to mess with people.
SRI JAYAWARDENEPURA KOTTE — The Sri Lankan government’s sensible plan to become a green, climate-friendly utopia has experienced a slight hiccup after the nation’s 22 million citizens have run out of food, fuel, and hope.
PASADENA, CA — While out with friends, local man Kevin Bann put up a valiant effort to feign enjoyment of an orange watery substance with little slimy balls floating in it. His friends have confirmed he is “very cool” and “with the times.”
ANN ARBOR, MI — According to sources, two neighbors in an upscale liberal suburb are currently locked in a battle of chicken to see who will be the first person to take down their “Black Lives Matter” yard sign — thereby showing the entire neighborhood they’ve stopped caring about black lives.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — San Francisco District Attorney Brooke Jenkins announced a bold new direction for the DA’s office Friday when she put forward an innovative new plan to arrest people who break the law.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Labor Secretary Martin J. Walsh spoke with reporters Friday to clarify previous remarks that the rate of inflation had hit 9.1% in June. He explained that his office had accidentally placed the decimal in the wrong place and inflation is actually 91%, the highest it has ever been. He apologized for the […]
INDEPENDENCE, MO — Staff members of a local non-denominational church have expressed confusion at their congregants’ lack of biblical literacy, despite an entire month of Sunday sermons based on popular movie clips.
U.S. — The advanced AI algorithm built into your phone’s photo app has been studying you for years. It knows what you care about and what you think. It organizes all the people you take pictures of into categories and subcategories to help you find the best pictures exactly when you want to. And now […]
ANAHEIM, CA — In order to allow for more game time and fun activities, the youth ministry of a local church has decided to get rid of preaching altogether. In the absence of actual biblical teaching, the teens in attendance will be free to spend more time on essential youth group activities like playing basketball […]
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Elizabeth Warren has called for a full federal ban on pregnancy centers, claiming they’re killing helpless pregnant women by luring them onto a big red “X” and then dropping a piano on their heads.
Being a conservative working at Starbucks is more dangerous than being a Navy Seal behind enemy lines. If you want to play a fun game, try looking for the closeted conservative at your local Starbucks. There’s usually at least one. Just don’t out them, or you may ruin their lives!
LOS ANGELES, CA — Frustrated drug addicts report inflation has become so out of control, they are now only getting a tenth of the crack they used to be able to buy for the same price.
NASHVILLE, TN — Authorities were dispatched to the Nashville Zoo after Psychology professor and free-speech activist Jordan Peterson disregarded all signs saying “do not ride the ostriches” while shouting “up yours, woke moralists!” at the top of his lungs.
SPACE — This week, NASA unveiled photos of distant galaxy clusters now visible from the world’s most powerful telescope. After seeing the images, millions have reported an uncontrollable urge to praise whoever may have created such a majestic, expansive universe.
So, you’re working for a woke corporation. Sad! It’s a hard life working for “the man,” and it’s even harder when “the man” is a non-binary pansexual neurodivergent transspecies disabled person who will fire you if you misgender them. How will you ever survive?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a touching address to the American people this week, Biden acknowledged that many minorities are struggling in this economy, and vowed to work hard to help them, whether they are “black, yellow, or taco.”
CINCINNATI, OH — Proctor & Gamble has released a brand new maximum-strength version of its popular Febreze air freshener product designed to combat the intense odor of bedrooms occupied by Jr. High-aged boys. The powerful air freshener comes in a specially engineered canister that allows desperate parents to spray the high-potency contents all at once. […]
BOSTON, MA — Senator Elizabeth Warren is condemning the Underground Railroad for using devious and deceptive tactics to trick slaves into escaping their masters.
NEW YORK, NY — Multiple Waffle House locations have been forced to close their doors permanently following an uptick in public safety and a drastic reduction in crime. The Waffle House locations were simply no longer able to function in pristine, well-funded areas that their customers were not used to.
U.S. — In a bid to get WNBA star Brittney Griner out of Russian prison and back home to the states where she belongs, Americans have eagerly stepped up to offer up LeBron James as a substitute.
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