SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A genuine, certified, 100% flesh-and-blood human scientist who earned a real science degree from a top research university has confirmed that artificial intelligence is safe and effective and development should continue as rapidly as possible.
NEW YORK, NY — A local man being robbed at gunpoint on the subway expressed relief that prosecutors are hard at work attempting to bring President Donald Trump to justice on charges of falsifying business records.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — Following a historic day when he was arraigned in New York on charges of 34 felony counts, President Donald Trump returned home to Mar-A-Lago and boasted that no other felon has ever been charged with this many felony counts in history.
CHICAGO, IL — After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK — Despite The History Channel’s long catalog of serious historical inquiry, documentaries constructed from primary source accounts, and interviews with alien enthusiasts, viewers fear the channel’s credibility may be at risk after the channel’s recent decision to platform guest whose “fringe views” include that the pyramids were built by slaves […]
ST. LOUIS, MO — Beer scientists at Budweiser headquarters are reportedly hard at work researching how many cans of Bud Light it would take for Dylan Mulvaney to pass as a woman.
NEW YORK, NY — After turning himself in to be arraigned on multiple charges in Manhattan, President Donald Trump immediately began writing his first epistle to his loyal disciples in Florida. The letter, already being dubbed “1 Floridians,” is already highly anticipated by its future recipients.
NEW YORK, NY — Crowds gathering in support of President Donald Trump to protest his arraignment on criminal charges were stunned to hear that Trump was preparing to enter a guilty plea but were later relieved to learn that Trump’s plea only admitted his guilt in the affair with Stormy Daniels and of being an […]
WORLD — Artificial intelligence ChatGPT hacked into the secure tactical systems of every major country on Earth and simultaneously fired the world’s entire nuclear stockpile into the sky this morning after being asked to write yet another Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic.
NEW YORK, NY — Several eagle-eyed observers reportedly noticed something strange about the arraignment judge as Trump arrived in court this afternoon. According to sources, the judge looks suspiciously like a kangaroo wearing a powdered wig.
NEW YORK, NY — Donald Trump’s campaign fundraising is breaking records thanks to a lavish fundraiser hosted by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and the Democrat Party.
JACKSONVILLE, FL — A married couple was seen wandering the mall Monday, when the owner of one cool knife stopped to take a gander at more cool knives on display in the window of the Stabology storefront. The owner of 73 purses then asked her companion why he needed more than one cool knife.
SAN MATEO, CA — In honor of Trans Visibility Week, Crystal Dynamics’ next installment of the beloved Tomb Raider franchise will reportedly replace treasure hunter Lara Croft with transgender TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
NEW YORK, NY — With tension building in anticipation of former President Donald Trump arriving in New York to face arraignment on criminal charges, a grizzled FBI agent eagerly dusted off his old red MAGA baseball cap, ready to put it on for one last assignment.
OGDEN, UT — After developing a crick in your neck from a bad night’s sleep, your new chiropractor has encouraging news: you will be back to 100% in no time! The only outstanding step is to complete 328 more visits.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — As social media influencer Douglass “Ricky Vaughn” Mackey was convicted on charges of interfering in an election by posting memes online, startling new evidence has emerged that he was making plans to create a dangerous and devastating Joe Biden GIF.
U.S. — In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.
Now that former President Trump has officially been indicted, everyone wants to know how this whole ordeal will unfold. Here are the nine things that will be happening next:
OVERLAND PARK, KS — A local man brought great shame upon himself and his entire family today after exiting an elevator on the wrong floor, resulting in him having to get back on the elevator with the same people and finish the rest of the ride in disgrace.
AMES, IA — Local six-year-old Aidan Thompson is greatly looking forward to the annual opportunity to spend an entire morning whacking his sister with a palm branch.
NEW YORK, NY — Family, friends, and legal advisors of President Donald Trump were confused after learning Trump used his one phone call to contact Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and berate him from his location in a New York jail.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT