PRINCETON, NJ — Scientists have concluded a years-long study confirming the indisputable correlation between people putting trust in their government and people also eating paint chips.
U.S. — Members of the media are calling for caution in their reporting after a German-identified man named Adolf Hitler (he/him) suddenly called the Jewish people a “race-tuberculosis of the peoples” and implemented a final solution to wipe them off the face of the earth. Experts warn that focusing on the systematic murder of six […]
LONDON — A successful marketing firm in the U.K. has come up with an ingenious plan, deciding that the centuries-old landmark Piccadilly Circus is an ideal place for an enormous Burger King billboard.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid outrage over former President Trump being indicted for a misdemeanor past the statute of limitations, Democrats have urged citizens to remain calm and let the justice system do its work, reminding everyone that Trump is guilty until proven guilty.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Biden claim the elderly politician was initially nervous and worried upon hearing a president was going to be indicted for shady deals and suspect business transactions, but was “relieved” upon learning that it was just a possible misdemeanor allegedly committed by Trump years ago.
NEW YORK, NY — Mike Lindell lashed out wildly with a sword, even cutting off the ear of a New York police officer after authorities arrived at Trump Tower to take the current sitting president of the United States into custody. Trump reportedly admonished Lindell and miraculously healed the officer’s ear before willingly surrendering himself […]
SAN DIEGO, CA — As a part of Major League Baseball’s new push to both speed up the pace of games and make them more exciting for spectators, it was announced that pitchers who violate the new pitch clock will then be dropped into a pit of hungry alligators as punishment.
These days, it seems you aren’t able to swing a dead cat without hitting a failing bank. We’ll ignore the concerns raised by the fact that you’re swinging a dead cat in the first place and instead focus on safer places to put your money. Economic uncertainty, combined with the instability of financial institutions, makes […]
U.S. — A new study from Stanford University has revealed the number one cause of depression in males aged 18-65 is not being allowed to dress as a ship’s captain from the time of the Napoleonic Wars.
JERUSALEM — New discoveries from archeological digs and ancient texts have led biblical scholars to believe that, in addition to all of the other catastrophes and maladies that plagued Job in his life, he was also a huge Chicago Cubs fan.
ORLANDO, FL — Amid an escalating feud with Ron DeSantis, Disney dealt a devastating blow to the Governor by changing the requirements on all their attractions so that only people over 6 feet tall may enter.
WORLD — A promising new report has revealed that the Creator of the Universe will soon return with the keys of death and Hell to redeem the world for himself, wipe away every tear, and make all things new once again.
BAKHMUT — In a stunning development, Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced an immediate and total surrender after he received word that the United States had airdropped a tactical team of Nashville Police officers into the battlefield.
CYPRESS, CA — Members of a local gym were shocked and distracted today after a woman — who was clearly new and not familiar with the expected attire of exercising females — spent her entire workout actually wearing clothing.
QUANTICO, VA — The nation’s top investigative force has pledged a full commitment of its resources to identify, isolate, and destroy whichever Christian beliefs were responsible for the brutal attack at a private Christian school this week.
U.S. — Media outlets around the country joined hands today to call for a moment of silent remembrance for Audrey Hale, a mass shooter who was misgendered.
Due to quality control issues, Saint Peter’s questionnaire at the Pearly Gates has gotten stricter. Still think you can get into heaven with all your terrible opinions? Check out this list and find out!
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local boy was confronted with a cold reality today after realizing he’s far too intelligent to ever be President of the United States when he grows up.
HAHIRA, GA — The leadership of a newly planted church was unable to come up with a suitable name and will instead be forced to settle for being named “13,487th Baptist Church.” A number of alternative names were considered, but following in the long tradition of numerical order was agreed to be the only option.
SPRINGFIELD, MO — A local couple faced a difficult challenge this week after deciding to find a new church, with the goal of finding a smaller church but one that is still large enough that no one there will notice if the couple isn’t in attendance.
ANAHEIM, CA — The effects of a struggling U.S. economy are starting to be felt in unexpected places, as heavy layoffs at Disney have now left Snow White with only three dwarfs in her entourage.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT