SACRAMENTO, CA — California’s legislature has been weighing $5 million in reparations for eligible residents, but in the meantime has passed a less controversial stopgap bill: $5 million in reparations for any black person who has experienced “digital blackface,” in which a white person uses a black person’s likeness in a GIF.
NAZARETH — Newly discovered scrolls have revealed new details regarding Mary and Joseph’s fateful trip to Bethlehem to be registered by the Roman Empire. According to new accounts, the mother of Jesus pestered Joseph several times during the days-long trip about stopping to see the Magnolia silos made famous by Chip and Joanna Gaines.
COLLEGE STATION, TX — A local man found himself embroiled in controversy today as he was accused of perpetrating “digital orangeface” after sharing a Donald Trump meme on Twitter.
NEW YORK, NY — A new study indicates a disturbing trend as testicular injuries in women’s sports are increasing at an astounding rate. Researchers are baffled as these statistics have skyrocketed from literally zero reported testicular injuries among female athletes just a few years ago.
CHICAGO IL — Witnesses were left to draw their own conclusions when they observed a man walking through downtown carrying a leather satchel over his shoulder. The only plausible explanation, onlookers determined, was that the man must be on his way to start an expedition into the Central American jungle to steal a cursed golden […]
MOUNT SINAI — Another set of stone tablets — purportedly bearing the commandments of God — was shattered to pieces after Moses walked in on an impromptu drag queen party being held by his people. The prophet, who previously destroyed an earlier set of commandments after walking in on the Israelites worshipping a golden calf […]
KYIV — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly had difficulty concealing his disappointment today after meeting Orlando Bloom and finding out he is not actually a fearsome elf warrior.
NEW HAVEN, CT — Progressives across the nation have found themselves locked out of their accounts after CAPTCHA began asking users to identify what squares show a woman.
U.S. — Developers at Truth Social are working overtime to identify and fix the bug that continues making every single post by former President Trump appear in all caps.
SANTA MONICA, CA — Frustrated gamers across the world had yet to finish even downloading the latest Call Of Duty installment when yet another game, Call of Duty: WWII Black Ops Modern Warfare 17, was released.
BALTIMORE, MD — Local wife Leslie Parks bid her family a tearful goodbye after noticing a small dot on her shoulder that would undoubtedly prove to be terminal skin cancer.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Liberal activist Sharon Welch declared today that she was “literally living in Nazi Germany” after parents removed pornographic material from an elementary school library.
ISRAEL — Newly uncovered evidence shows that the walls of Jericho crumbled to the ground right after Joshua finished playing an absolutely boss saxophone solo.
LOS ANGELES, CA — As the legal drama surrounding former President Donald Trump’s alleged inappropriate payments of “hush money” to adult film star Stormy Daniels years ago continues, the son of current President Joe Biden has been left frustrated after hearing about the concept of “hush money” long after it would have been useful to […]
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A local man’s heart was finally apprehended by the Almighty God today, as he humbled himself and turned to the Lord in prayer while sitting in his seat on an airplane and seeing an obese man with his stomach hanging out from his shirt making his way down the aisle.
MOSCOW — America has long been an example to the world but has finally caught Russia’s attention with its system of prosecuting political opponents. According to reports, President Vladimir Putin is actively considering restructuring Russia’s Ministry of Justice to follow suit.
According to reports, hundreds of thousands of people have fled California in recent years, citing minor annoyances like aggressive homeless people, increased violent crime, and crippling taxes. Some experts believe that by 2030, the only person left in California will be Gavin Newsom – and he’ll spend half his time on his ranch in Montana.
DALLAS, TX — Passengers boarding American Airlines flight 467 from Dallas to Chicago were welcomed by pilot Walter Kerry, who quickly assured them that he was not a diversity hire.
PALM BEACH, FL — As rumors continue to filter in that Manhattan D.A. Alvin Bragg’s attempt to indict former President Donald Trump is falling apart, a new report has indicated Trump’s team of attorneys is seeking to exploit a little-known legal loophole through which he can avoid indictment by not actually committing any crime.
U.S. — Representatives from the trans community across the nation are reporting record levels of feeling “extremely unsafe” due to the knowledge that somewhere out there, a hockey player might not wearing a pride jersey.
DENVER, CO — According to sources, local Gen Z girl Katniss Smith spent over 2 hours today painstakingly eliminating all capital letters and punctuation from various texts and social media posts to make it appear like she wasn’t trying too hard.
PALM BEACH, FL — Amid increasing criticism that “Ron DeSanctimonious” is a terrible nickname for Florida governor and possible Presidential rival Ron DeSantis, former President Donald Trump has taken to ChatGPT to help him with brainstorming for better DeSantis nicknames.
WASHINGTON, DC — As TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew faced questioning from the House Committee on Energy and Commerce on Capitol Hill, leaders from the United States government issued strong demands that TikTok stop spying on American citizens because that’s the government’s job.
The news world has been set aflame by the potential indictment of Donald J. Trump for the crime of extreme patriotism. While the New York City grand jury deliberates, let’s take a look at how this is being covered by the media.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT