ATLANTA, GA — After collecting each person’s offering this morning, ushers at Second Baptist Church proceeded to flip around an iPad to ask congregants if they would also like to include a tip.
MANHATTAN, NY — After being alerted to a possible indictment of former President Trump, law enforcement scrambled to try to find handcuffs big enough to fit his unbelievably massive hands.
Man, so nice to get outside after a long day at work. Maybe I’ll go grab a burger. Can’t wait until — wait, what’s that noise? It’s coming from the sky. It’s like a humming…a thumping. Is it an airplane? No, it’s not an airplane. It’s…NO WAY!
JERUSALEM — Scholars of the Hebrew Bible at Israel’s Bar Ilan University have discovered new fine print in the Noahic Covenant. The divine vow to never again flood the earth is rendered “null and void,” experts explain, if humanity ever co-opts the rainbow into a widespread and ongoing campaign for weird sex stuff.
JORDAN — In what has been hailed as a landmark day for Bible history buffs, archeologists have announced the discovery of the steel cage where Jacob wrestled with God, as chronicled in the book of Genesis.
IRELAND — Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, expressed great pride that he was able to bring Christianity to the Anglo-Saxons so their descendants could commemorate it each year by gathering in mobs, get fall-down, hammered drunk, and commit various acts of aggravated assault on each other on March 17.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Local leprechaun, pot o’ gold enthusiast, and all-around jokester Leery O’Canahan had been excited for St. Patrick’s Day for months. “It’s like our Super Bowl,” O’Canahan told reporters. “Without the weird halftime shows.”
SOUTHBRIDGE, MA — Local man Edgar Ramirez had finally had enough of feeling terrible all the time from doing nothing but lying around all day or sitting on the computer – so he finally decided to take up running every day, so that he could feel a different kind of terrible all the time.
NEW YORK, NY — History was made last night, as a human being laughed at The Late Show with Stephen Colbert for the first time since the show began its run in September 2018. To accomplish this feat, Colbert brought in a ringer — Vice President Kamala Harris.
DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON — The world-renowned Gringotts Bank has filed for bankruptcy and is closing its doors permanently, sources confirmed Thursday, after admitting that its business model of hoarding its customers’ gold in a giant cavern guarded by a “friggin’ dragon” is unsustainable and fiscally unsound.
LOS ANGELES, CA — California residents reported growing concern over the fate of their state after a wide variety of animals were seen going in pairs toward a large wooden boat.
It’s one of the hardest parts of running a church: trying to find a qualified youth pastor. Who wants the job, anyway, when it probably doesn’t pay and doesn’t even count as being a real pastor? But someone’s gotta watch the unruly teens while the adults do real church, so if you’re on the lookout […]
Well, the day has finally arrived: your cute little parasitical clump of cells has popped out of one of the birthing persons in your relationship, and it’s now suddenly a real human being. But what gender is it? It’s hard to say. It could even be – fingers crossed – trans!
ROLAND, IA — While at his first job interview with a prospective employer Thursday, local man Justin Rasberger was crestfallen to learn that “quoting Monty Python” does not count as relevant job experience, and in fact is not currently considered a “marketable skill” among employers.
HAZELWOOD, TN — Many Americans are growing worried over the looming financial crisis as banks continue to close down due to lack of funds, a dilemma that kicked off over the weekend with a run on Silicon Valley Bank.
SANTA CLARA, CA — Executives at Silicon Valley Bank are reeling after learning one of the most brutal lessons in banking: if you invest your money irresponsibly, the government will just bail you out.
After banning the Russian Orthodox Church in the country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now reportedly banning the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, which has approximately 10,000 parishes throughout the nation. With his increasing power and the ongoing hostilities in Ukraine, the government’s crackdown on religion could potentially continue unchecked.
CHAPPAQUA, NY — Hillary Clinton, who famously shattered the glass ceiling for all of womankind, took to Twitter Wednesday morning with a touching tweet for Fox News on-air personality Tucker Carlson in which she expressed her condolences for his upcoming suicide.
NEW YORK, NY — Beloved Football superstar Colin Kaepernick has announced he will be suing his white parents for the cruel act of adopting him into a white family without his consent. Kaepernick’s legal team announced he is seeking $21 million in reparations from the couple.
GARY, IN — A local construction worker was relieved to hear that his money will be used to bail out failing banks used by billionaire elites, despite the fact that he is having a hard time paying his utility bills and putting food on his family’s table.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are moments in history when our nation’s elected leaders have had to truly prove their worth during trying times. Today, just such a moment occurred, when members of Congress somberly paused sending all of our tax dollars to Ukraine so they could send them to Silicon Valley Bank instead.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT