NEW YORK, NY — In honor of Women’s History Month, a woman knelt down in front of a man to demonstrate subservience and submission. Witnesses described the historic event as “weird” and “an unusual way to promote the empowerment of women.”
In some states, women enjoy full reproductive freedom and autonomy. Yay! Other states, however, are tyrannical Republican hellscapes where women are forced to carry babies to full-term — like literal chattel. But which of these do you live in?
DES MOINES, IA — A local couple has discovered the perfect deterrent to help them handle rowdy children. The exasperated mother and father warned their overly rambunctious kids that if they didn’t start behaving, they would take them to Applebee’s for dinner.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After spending billions to bail out Silicon Valley billionaire tech entrepreneurs, the Biden Administration is vowing to tax all taxpayer money they gave to Silicon Valley.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A new record was set at a local Panda Express location today, as a fork replaced a set of chopsticks only three bites into a local man’s meal. This breaks the previous record of seven bites, set at a Panda Express location in Wichita, Kansas in 2019.
GRAIN VALLEY, MO — Isn’t nature amazing? In what has become an annual tradition and one of the first signs of the arrival of spring, a local wife has begun the arduous process of molting the many layers of blankets she has built up around her body over the course of the long winter.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Many are praising President Biden for his swift and decisive leadership this morning. In a set of forceful and clear remarks to the country’s financial system, he called on all banks to stop collapsing immediately.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.
Are you a good person who wants to help the poor? You’ve come to the right place! Liberals are famous for caring for the poor better than anyone else, and they’ve pioneered 100% effective ways of helping the less fortunate in our midst. Try doing these 10 things, and together we’ll win the war on […]
SANTA CLARA, CA — Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.
In recent months, Republican Governors like Gregg Abbott have continued their cruel campaign against parents who pursue constitutionally-protected avenues for cleaning their children. Yet isn’t a beautiful child, thrown into a Maytag for a heavy spin cycle because of the aligned desires of parents, children, and caregivers acting in good faith, precisely what our constitution […]
HOLLYWOOD — On Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded the Oscar for best actor in a leading role to a young Ukrainian man for his hard work on and off the screen. Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the first person who identifies as a world leader to win an Oscar.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to avert a major financial disaster in the wake of Silicon Valley Bank’s collapse, the Biden Administration held a special meeting with Chinese President Xi to ask him for a quick loan to help bail out the failing bank.
LOS ANGELES, CA — The Academy Awards has continued efforts to address its history of white overrepresentation, tabbing black comedian Jimmy Kimmel to host the 95th edition of the Oscars.
SAN JOSE, CA — Local man Brad Sandlin thanked his lucky stars today that he had the foresight to take his money out of cryptocurrency and instead keep it safe in Silicon Valley Bank.
BOISE, ID — Local seven-year-old Audrey Williamson tragically fell into a coma today after her mother kindly asked her to put on shoes before going to school.
Can you say “bad to the bone”? We hope so, because that’s what you’ll be compelled to say when you get a load of this ABSOLUTE LEGEND who’s riding a motorcycle with not one, not two, not five, but THREE FRIGGIN’ WHEELS.
ST. PAUL, MN — Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.
U.S. — Sources report Tucker Carlson has obtained 40,000 hours of never-before-seen footage of President Joe Biden falling down the stairs on Air Force One.
UNITED STATES — Local smartphone user Sallie Beth Stunkey was seen sighing in frustration as the app she had been using flashed another pop-up insecurely asking if she loved it.
BOSTON, MA — This week, historians from the Graham Society announced that they can now confirm the authenticity of recently-discovered documentation revealing the contents of the inventor’s second-ever completed phone call: an inbound robocall asking him about his car’s extended warranty.
Things were pretty good in the Garden of Eden, but then Adam and Eve had to ruin it by eating from the one tree God explicitly told them not to touch. Ugh! Now sin has entered the world and man has fallen from grace — and we didn’t even get to try any of that […]
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT