HARRAN — Archeologists working in the Middle East say they’ve uncovered the world’s oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of Moses called Genesis.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With aged senators increasingly absent from sessions to treat their illnesses and injuries, Congress has passed new rules giving control of the Senate to whichever party has fewer people in the hospital.
DALLAS, TX — Introverts nationwide can rejoice (quietly, in a room by themselves), as the restaurant chain Chili’s has announced plans to add new silent fajitas to menus across the country. This news will provide welcome relief to millions of people who have long wanted to enjoy fajitas without the loud, sizzling presentation.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local Plumber Mario and his brother Luigi were arrested on hate crime charges during a Special Cup Tournament in which they left unsightly skid marks on Rainbow Road.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ — After an unexpected layoff led to weeks of scanning job boards and submitting applications, local man Aaron Consola regained hope when he passed a screening and aptitude test and scheduled an interview with the Department of Motor Vehicles. Unfortunately, the interview ended soon after he described himself as a “motivated go-getter.”
TUPELO, MS — For the 157th day in a row, family man Darren Cooper has resisted the siren call of an update for his iPhone that “provides important bug fixes and security updates.”
OVERLAND PARK, KS — A local company came dangerously close to having a productive day, avoiding it only at the last minute by scheduling a meeting that brought all actual work-related operations to an immediate standstill.
SPRINGFIELD, IL — A local teacher has devised an innovative way to immediately be granted extended time off from work — telling her class that there are only two genders in the world. The teacher hopes that this method will provide her with a much-needed vacation.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a prestigious ceremony held at the White House, President Biden bestowed the “Black American of Courage” award to actor Robert Downey Jr. for his pivotal role as a black man in the 2008 movie Tropic Thunder.
CANAAN — Hoping to quell controversy over its practices, a local Temple of Moloch has announced plans to host a “family-friendly” child sacrifice event next weekend. Leaders at the temple hope that the addition of fun activities for kids will help the cult shed the unpleasant image that comes with slaughtering children as an act […]
Let’s face it, being a man is pretty great. It’s way better than the alternative. In fact, being a man is so great that a lot of women have started deciding they want to pretend to be men just to try to reap the benefits, but their womanness still puts them at a disadvantage.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Previously unseen footage, shown for the first time on Tucker Carlson Tonight, sparked controversy for its purported portrayal of the Deadly Jan 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol Insurrection™ as a “mostly peaceful” protest, but the intelligence community has gone on the record to claim all security footage from the event is […]
DADEVILLE, AL — A local Baptist church was forced to cancel its normal observation of the Lord’s Supper last week after it was discovered that the grape juice used for communion had fermented.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Desperate to keep more of the American public from seeing previously unreleased security camera footage from the January 6, 2021 breaching of the U.S. Capitol, New York Senator Chuck Schumer has now issued a warning that the Buffalo Hat QAnon Shaman will crawl out of the television set and kill anyone who […]
UNION CITY, TN — “I would never trust a female pilot if my life depended on it,” said local man Ray Strunk, who doesn’t know how to change the wiper blades on his car.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Poor lil’ guy! According to sources, Senator Mitch McConnell became so spooked today by the release of unedited Jan 6 footage that he withdrew his head into his shell and is refusing to come out.
SPARTANBURG, SC — Local man Rusty Davis became extremely self-conscious today after suddenly realizing he was the only person in all of Wal-Mart walking on legs.
U.S. — Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn’t been approved by Democrat leaders.
PHOENIXVILLE, PA — Local man Todd Longwood, 40, was shocked to discover that the list of side effects from the new drug Relievitol perfectly described a typical day in his life.
MT SINAI — After being freed from slavery by the God of Abraham, witnessing 10 terrible plagues against Pharaoh, and walking across the Red Sea on dry ground to escape from Egypt’s army, Kemuel son of Bahram, of the tribe of Benjamin, is demanding to be brought back to die in Egypt after stubbing his […]
WASHINGTON, DC — Following former President Donald Trump’s overwhelming victory in CPAC’s straw poll for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has proposed legislation that would impose a nationwide ban on the use of straws.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning revelation last night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired previously unseen footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol that definitively showed the mastermind behind the entire incident.
PRINCETON, NJ — Despite being armed with respectable PhDs, published papers, and bowties, historians remain stumped that kids throughout history didn’t commit suicide despite having no access to gender surgery.
WASHINGTON, DC — President Joe Biden took a tough stance against the kidnapping of four Americans by a Mexican drug cartel in Matamoros, Mexico this week, demanding that all hotels in the area reduce their resort fees immediately.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT