WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a recent surge of train derailments across the United States, emergency crews were being called to the scene of an even larger, more catastrophic train wreck reported at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, D.C.
U.S. — According to sources, your Supercuts hairstylist just entered a back room and flipped a coin to decide whether to give you a surprisingly good haircut or the most atrocious haircut of all time.
Defending your home and family from an invader can be overwhelming and stressful for anyone. In the heat of the moment, costly mistakes are often made, leaving you open to physical or legal harm. Avoiding such mistakes can help you keep yourself and your family safe in even the most intense emergency scenarios.
SIDNEY, MT — The quiet town of Sidney, Montana made headlines recently after a transdimensional portal appeared in the home of Bob and Cynthia Allen. Sources say the wife accidentally opened the time-tunneling tesseract while trying to find the power button on the remote.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In preparation for his long-awaited visit to survey the damage left in the wake of the East Palestine, Ohio train derailment disaster, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg’s team is briefing him on the catastrophe by using a wooden toy train set.
GLENSIDE, PA — Local Christian man Nicholas Cartwright defied all odds when he successfully graduated from Westminster Theological Seminary while somehow not losing his faith. Despite multiple semesters at seminary, Cartwright is now miraculously still a Christian.
Roald Dahl, the author of such beloved titles as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Matilda, made headlines recently because his body of literature was updated to remove potentially offensive material.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After House Speaker Kevin McCarthy released uncut footage from the January 6 riot to Fox News host Tucker Carlson, sources are reporting the biggest bombshell from the tapes is the revelation that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez died 13,491 times during the riot.
ATLANTA, GA — According to CNN’s Department of Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion, news anchor and prolific storyteller Don Lemon has been required to participate in sensitivity training until he can learn to quit referring to his coworkers as “Dusty Old Broads.”
OMAHA, NE — A local man was struck with the sudden concern that he may, in fact, be gay, after the suitcase he was checking at the airline ticket counter was found to exceed the 45-lb. weight limit for checked luggage.
KYIV — After a surprise visit to Ukraine and a photo op with Ukrainian President Zelenskyy, some are pressing Biden on the environmental crisis in East Palestine. He finally broke his silence on the issue to reporters by suggesting those affected just give up drinking water for Lent.
CAPERNAUM — Town officials are concerned after receiving multiple complaints from faculty at Galilee’s School for the Blind this week after Jesus of Nazareth apparently went on a healing spree and decimated the school’s enrollment.
JACKSONVILLE, FL — In a stunning display of spiritual fortitude, Pastor Mark Thompson of the First Baptist Church preached 13 minutes past his allotted time during Sunday’s service, declaring that “this has gotta be the start of a revival!”
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Following the February 3rd train derailment and subsequent chemical release and controlled burn in the area, it was announced that the entire city of East Palestine, Ohio has been purchased by billionaire tech mogul/philanthropist/civilization-reshaper Bill Gates for the low price of just 50 dollars.
KYIV — President Biden paid a visit to Ukraine to reaffirm America’s unwavering commitment to the country’s democracy, sovereignty, and military-industrial complex while also picking up a few things Hunter asked about, including his paycheck.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Vice President Kamala Harris became distraught this weekend after discovering that the president admitted to hospice was only Jimmy Carter. Harris, who has been waiting patiently for Joe Biden to die, fought back the tears of disappointment when she discovered the current sitting president was alive and well, albeit […]
NEW YORK, NY — On Monday morning, Don Lemon went to host his morning show again after CNN placed him on leave for saying Nikki Haley, 51, was “past her prime” and making his co-hosts visibly uncomfortable. Reports confirm he stormed back off the set in disgust after discovering female co-hosts were even older than […]
KYIV — Multiple insider sources reported a hushed nervousness was felt throughout President Joe Biden’s entire entourage today as he arrived in Kyiv, Ukraine for his annual performance review with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
BOSTON, MA — Local man Alan Rogers was confirmed to be completely dead inside after he failed to shed a single tear upon hearing ‘Amazing Grace’ played on bagpipes.
NEW YORK, NY — With the results of a recent poll indicating 74% of Americans no longer trust the mainstream media, analysts were greatly troubled by the fact that an alarming 26% of people still trust what the media tells them.
TOKYO — The Prime Minister of Japan admitted today that sushi was a giant prank by the people of Japan to see if they could get people to actually eat raw fish.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT