CLEVELAND, OH — The NFL’s Cleveland Browns are reportedly breathing a collective sigh of relief now the devastating derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release in East Palestine means that their franchise is no longer considered the largest train wreck in Ohio.
BRANSON, MO — A young local student was forced to defend his integrity after his science project — a homemade weather balloon designed to collect atmospheric data — was destroyed by a Sidewinder missile fired from a strafing F-22 fighter jet.
NEW YORK, NY — CNN anchor Don Lemon is reportedly watching Matt Walsh’s What Is A Woman? documentary in an effort to better understand his female co-hosts and stop saying stupid things.
SPRING HILL, TN — Experts have uncovered a new phenomenon in the revivalism industry: a “revival” that occurs every Sunday where God’s people gather to worship and receive the means of grace.
U.S. — Meteorologists across North America have been seen on live television struggling to report the weather now that all of the weather balloons have been shot down.
WASHINGTON, DC — Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman checked himself into Walter Reed Medical Center in the nation’s capital to seek treatment for clinical depression after coming to the realization that he was a member of the United States Congress.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a powerful display of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community, Norfolk Southern dumped thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the Ohio River to create beautiful rainbow-colored water.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.
CHINO HILLS, CA — The ongoing blurring of gender lines reached yet another milestone today, as a local man frantically and effeminately shooed a bee away from his face, resulting in him being granted honorary womanhood.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House physician has released a full report on Biden’s annual physical exam, confirming the President is, technically speaking, still alive. “Yes, he’s pushing air in and out of his lungs,” said Dr. Kevin O’Connor. “Also his heart’s beating. So yeah, he’s still alive medically.” The report went on to say […]
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life.
SALISBURY, MD — Nationwide news outlets have begun reporting on a historic event: a local nurse has set a new record for time elapsed without mentioning her occupation being nursing, waiting a grand total of 3.0011 minutes.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Amid growing concerns about the risks residents could be facing due to pollution of the air, soil, and water after the catastrophic February 3rd train derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release, officials were quick to assure the public that test results indicate the water in the area is fine to drink, […]
UTICA, OH — Locals are rejoicing this morning at the news that a nearby food production facility made it through another night without being burned to the ground like others all around the country.
People just can’t take their eyes off those nifty high-altitude spy devices! They’re obviously balloons and/or drones from China, but what if they’re aliens? And what if — oh wait, it looks like Biden has just snuck a bunch of stuff by us while we were looking at the balloons.
ASBURY, KY — A revival seems to have broken out at an Asbury University chapel service, which just so happened to take place the night before a massive group project was due in English 362. The scheduled hour-long chapel service began as normal, but hours soon turned into days, and days into weeks of extraordinary […]
BRONX, NY — A Bible class for kindergarteners was interrupted Sunday when Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst through the door and informed the five-year-olds in attendance that Jesus was a fascist. The children reportedly left the classroom in tears.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In one of the most momentous events in the history of mankind, a species of noble and intelligent aliens has made landfall in Florida to make first contact with the Leader of the Free World, President Donald J. Trump.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pete Buttigieg, the Transportation Secretary under President Biden, has reportedly been binge-watching the children’s show Thomas the Tank Engine in an effort to understand the recent wave of train derailments that have been plaguing the United States.
WASHINGTON, DC — An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.
MADISON, WI — Despite a long history of experts, gurus, and mothers-in-law who have claimed to have fully figured out parenting, a new study from a major university has concluded that every single parent since time began has been “winging it,” “making it up as they go,” and using “trial and error” when rearing up […]
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Government officials are warning residents of East Palestine to protect themselves from deadly health risks by making sure they’ve received the latest COVID booster.
TUSTIN, CA — A local man wallowed in frustration today while wrestling with the idea that the Almighty God, Creator of the universe, with infinitely more wisdom than any human, could possibly have a different opinion than he has.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT