WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has proudly announced that the U.S. has managed to go a whole 24 hours without any trains flying off the tracks and exploding into balls of fire while spewing deadly chemicals into the air.
CHARLESTON, SC — Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Ilhan Omar has canceled a planned rally to support the victims of the East Palestine chemical spill after learning East Palestine is actually in America.
KANSAS CITY, MO — Local lawmakers and citizens alike were surprised to find that legalizing the recreational use of marijuana produced no negative results, except for the fact that the entire city now smells like weed.
The COVID pandemic opened our eyes to the legitimacy of conspiracy theories when they started being proven true left and right. Naturally, we started paying attention.
KALAMAZOO, MI — With sheepishness in his voice and a spot of Three-Pepper Sauce™ on his collar, local accountant Zed Filbertson was seen on a call with his credit card company, informing them that yes, regretfully he was actually eating at Arby’s for the third time that day.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-minute address to a concerned nation, Biden assured the American public that he will confront the current alien invasion once he has successfully defeated hotel junk fees.
GLENDALE, AZ — After an exciting, hard-fought, back-and-forth gridiron battle between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs, the NFL proudly announced that the referees had been named MVP of the Super Bowl LVII.
LAKE HURON, MI — Following a fourth report of an unidentified object being shot down across North America, U.S. military leadership and the North American Aerospace Defense Command have announced increased monitoring of North American skies. In unrelated news, this Canadian goose is getting suspicious that an F-18 is following him.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Residents of a small Ohio town have been forced to evacuate after a deadly spill of vinyl chloride and butyl acrylate chemicals from a train derailment caught fire and destroyed surrounding farmland, waterways, and livestock. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was quick to respond, promising to investigate the tragedy for signs of […]
HEAVEN — According to sources, God is really excited about the “He Gets Us” ad campaign that ran during the Super Bowl and is hoping the slick marketing will finally give him some much-needed exposure.
GLENDALE, AZ — The Super Bowl referees held a brief meeting before the game began to go ahead and decide which team will take home the Lombardi trophy.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — To prepare for the aftermath of either winning or losing a football game, the citizens of Philadelphia have decided to pre-emptively raze the city to the ground.
Just when you think you have heard the most insane story possible about Congressman George Santos, the mad lad (lady?) tops himself again! Here we have collected seven more totally preposterous, but one-hundred-percent true stories about George Santos:
HELL — Sources in Hades have announced that Satan will finally be opening the underworld’s first Chick-Fil-A franchise, but it will only serve cauliflower sandwiches.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine’s Day.
If you’re a Dad who’s always running around after your kids, doing house projects, and carrying in groceries, you may be burning more calories than you think! To avoid the shame of failing to maintain a perfect “Dad bod,” use these tried-and-true tricks!
LARNED, KS — Two innocent local children have been left on the brink of starvation after their father failed to cut their sandwiches into little dinosaur shapes the way their mother does.
So there you are, trying to worship peacefully, and then out of nowhere a priest tackles you to the ground and arrests you for radical traditionalism because you spoke in Latin. Now you’re in Guantanamo Bay being waterboarded about where you were on January 6.
BEIJING — After being humiliated on the national stage for allowing a Chinese spy balloon to pass over the U.S. unhindered, anonymous sources confirmed the Biden Administration is striking back against China with its own secret weapon: a spy inflatable flailing arm tube man.
LOS ANGELES, CA — A frightened young boy refused to go to sleep last night until his mother checked underneath the bed to see if Madonna was lurking there. The boy, Trevor Birch, stayed up late Sunday night and accidentally caught a glimpse of the “Like a Virgin” singer, giving him horrific night terrors ever […]
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT