TUCSON, AZ — According to legend, local man William Scarborough stopped to hold the door open for people entering behind him at an IHOP 27 years ago and he’s been stuck there ever since. Every time he thinks he can finally let go of the door and sit down for some pancakes, more people show […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After being removed from the Foreign Affairs Committee over anti-semitic remarks, Representative Ilhan Omar laid the blame on a secret cabal of Jews working against her.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Sources inside Twitter headquarters have confirmed Elon Musk and his team of brilliant engineers have been working tirelessly to get Twitter back to its normal state of allowing Twitter user Catturd to go viral. Those close to Twitter’s new CEO say he is now in the building’s basement flipping random switches […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The 2023 National Prayer Breakfast came to an abrupt and premature end today due to severe lightning that kept striking the building where the politicians were gathered.
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler’s Knob that there was a cache of documents marked “Classified” in his underground home.
U.S. — Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.
PORTLAND, OR — Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.
WASHINGTON, DC — According to several sources, CNN has reached out to President Joe Biden for a consultation on how to make up stories and still escape being branded as deceptive.
LOS ANGELES, CA — During its annual shareholder meeting, Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson announced that their video game about fake people living fake lives would now allow fake genders in a fantasy world devoid of real consequences.
TAMPA, FL — A page turned on a legendary NFL career and opened the door to exciting possibilities for the future today, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced he is permanently retired and also open to fielding offers to play for other teams.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.
LOS ANGELES — In a touching message to fans, Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne has announced he is “retiryouknow, the thing with Sabbath and the flibberyloo, an-n-n Tony andi wit the bloody timeof our lives, mate.”
WASHINGTON, DC — In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world due to the fact that at some point in history, every people group owned slaves from another people group.
Have you ever been tempted to glance at a barely dressed woman when you’re at the gym? Stop it, weakling! Women everywhere are trying to get you to stare at them so they can shame you on TikTok. Don’t let this happen to you!
THE ARK — After being sealed in for what felt like ages, Noah’s wife Naamah has started to wonder whatever happened to all the dinosaurs they let on the ark.
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local mother expressed relief and finally sat down to rest from her marathon session of doomsday preparation, confident that her family was now ready to endure the upcoming outbreak of World War III because her tomato plant had sprouted.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
ASHEVILLE, NC — According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they’re walking with it down Grove Street.
U.S. — Famous YouTube personality MrBeast is being criticized after his latest YouTube video revealed he had spent millions to pay for surgeries to cure blindness in 1000 patients — money that could have been used to send more tanks and artillery to Ukraine.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Following a season-ending playoff blowout at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, members of the San Francisco 49ers were quick to point out that the game’s officiating team was clearly to blame for the 31-7 trouncing.
NEW ROCHELLE, NY — Former late-night talk show host Jay Leno had a wild and wacky ride on his most recent pogo stick excursion, according to sources. While navigating a staircase, Leno took a slip on a banana peel and bounced down 175 steps, ultimately landing on a cactus.
FINLAND — Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week. Analysts say Antikainen’s strategy was “ill-advised” because it involved a biological male picking the one sport where biological women have a natural […]
BRANSON, MO — The cost of groceries has continued to rise, despite the Biden Administration’s concerted effort to reduce inflation by printing money. In fact, prices have now increased to the point that a Payday Loan Center was seen setting up shop in the egg aisle of a local grocery store.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT