ST. MARYS, PA — Witnesses reported that the Gerbison household was in an unpleasant state after the dumb oaf of a husband, Gill, assumed he could use the bathroom’s hand towels to dry his hands. His wife, Gwen, was forced to sit him down and explain that the hand towels were not to be used […]
SANTA FE, NM — Local woman Amber Rhodes suddenly snapped out of a deep, seven-month coma today, at the exact moment her husband booted up his PlayStation.
GARDEN OF EDEN — Having gotten into a game of hide-and-seek with the omniscient God of the universe, Adam and Eve reported feeling confident that the Lord would never find them in their perfect hiding spot behind a tree.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After fourteen frantic cancellations, Representative Kevin McCarthy called the Capitol Supermarket late Friday night to order a fifteenth “Congratulations Mr. Speaker” celebratory cake.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a week of grueling votes for Speaker of the House — 15 in total — Kevin McCarthy was finally handed the people’s gavel and took his rightful place as Speaker. He lifted it up to the raucous applause of both Democrats and Republicans, signaling that the week of Congressional inactivity was […]
As voting for Presiding Officer over the House Of Representatives stretches into a 14th ballot, some analysts have begun calling for an outsider to energize the stalled process, rather than continuing with negotiations centered around Kevin McCarthy. There must be some qualified being other than the California Republican at the center of the gridlock – […]
U.S. — Scholars at Notre Dame’s Department of Theology have found new evidence that the forbidden fruit described in Genesis was not actually a fruit, but a vial of deadly, highly processed seed oil.
Religious persecution is ever-present in the lives of believers, and it’s famously underreported because it has nothing to do with race or gender. Are you one of the few God has chosen to suffer valiantly for your faith?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Marking an historic moment in our nation’s history, brilliant lawmaker and shoelace combatant Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez boldly took the floor with a biting question for her fellow representatives.
LAKE TAHOE, NV — Following the horrific accident that sidelined Hawkeye, the remaining Avengers have reportedly joined forces to strike back against the villainous Snow Plow. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes have stated they will stop at nothing to exact revenge on the monstrous machine that critically injured their teammate.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation is in shock today following reports of representatives in Congress showing up to work for the 4th day in a row. Sources in Washington say this may be a new record, as most members of the House are used to showing up maybe once or twice per month while spending […]
CHANNAHON, IL — Witnesses reported seeing former U.S. Representative Adam Kinzinger sob with delight after his mom allowed him to open one Jan 6th present on Jan 6th Eve.
HENDERSONVILLE, TN — A local man breathed a sigh of relief at the gates of Heaven as he entered the hereafter today, receiving a “Well done” commendation from God Almighty for spending his life arguing with other people in the comments sections of YouTube videos.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing tough questions about runaway inflation and the record-high cost of consumer goods, gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre reminded everyone that everything has always been more expensive than usual.
BILLUND, DENMARK — Motivated by worldwide economic stagnation, engineers at Lego headquarters in Billund have developed the first-ever affordable LEGO® set: a single brick that retails for a meager $9.99.
U.S. — Former Congressman Adam Kinzinger’s new job as a Senior Political Commentator for CNN is already off to a rocky start. According to sources, anchors were forced to cut to commercials for the 12th time today to give him time to finish crying.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The conflict among congressional Republicans took yet another surprise twist today. After what had initially started as a throwaway nomination, the nation was left stunned as the position of Speaker of the House was unexpectedly filled by Jar Jar Binks.
WASHINGTON, DC — Amid protracted negotiations for the speakership in the House Of Representatives, former House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (CA, R) has issued a stern admonition that further delay in the process could hold up the important work of continued funds for Ukraine.
RICHMOND, VA – Local parishioner Jacob Henderson has said he does not have time to read the Bible. However, according to sources close to the situation, Henderson listens to seven daily podcasts and has an audio Bible on his phone.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — This week, Ron DeSantis was inaugurated to serve another 4-year term as Florida’s 46th Governor following his overwhelming reelection last November. During the proceedings, an obnoxious heckler began booing and shouting, forcing security to escort him out of the audience.
JERUSALEM — While holding a feast for his court, King Solomon reportedly became so embarrassed by loud chewing his 48th wife, Tiffany, that he left in shame and assembled his loyal advisors to weigh the feasibility of demoting her to the role of concubine.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Republicans have requested a congressional recess following another failed round of voting for the next Speaker of the House so they can frantically binge-watch old episodes of Schoolhouse Rock and figure out what they’re supposed to be doing.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT