ST. PAUL, MN — Sources are reporting that local man Verp Winston, who was mocked by friends for raising chickens in his backyard, is having the last laugh as egg prices have skyrocketed across the country.
U.S. — A newly released study has revealed that overall malarkey levels across the country have risen 376% since Biden took office, calling into question his Presidential campaign slogan that promised “No Malarkey.”
ATLANTA, GA — Radical conspiracy theorist Tom Donaldson is under fire once again for spreading the harmful idea that most mental health problems can be solved with exercise, fresh air, and spending time with family.
SACRAMENTO, CA — In an inspiring speech intended to boost the pride of the state’s remaining residents, Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be “the state of freedom,” despite the fact that he locked down businesses, churches, skate parks, paddleboarders, and pretty much everything else while locking everyone in their homes for 2 years. Powered […]
U.S. — A dispute regarding the nature of vaccination has arisen among faithful followers of The Science, and of Fauci its prophet. According to sources, some progressives say that the sacrament of vaccination is the literal body of Fauci, while others believe it is only symbolic.
U.S. — Medical experts are absolutely stumped as to what could be causing the recent uptick in healthy, young people everywhere that are suddenly collapsing with heart failure. Despite their uncertainty, experts do feel confident that we can rule out that one thing as the culprit.
GOTHAM CITY — Fear gripped the city today as a maniacal villain once again put innocent dozens of citizens’ lives at risk as the Joker (who is reportedly pregnant) and his gang of homicidal clowns held the First National Bank of Gotham City hostage until his unusual demands were met.
EL PASO, TX — Following a long-awaited and much-publicized visit to the U.S.-Mexico border, President Joe Biden sought to reassure the American people that the nation’s southern border is every bit as secure as America’s elections.
DUCKBURG — Famed tycoon Scrooge McDuck has been long known for ostentatious displays of his hoarded wealth, including diving into a pool of gold coins. This week, however, reports emerged of the magnate demonstrating his wealth in a novel way: diving into a massive vault of eggs, driven to record prices by inflation. Powered by […]
CLAYTON, MO — An exhausted local couple has entered their fifteenth round of voting, the results of which will determine where they go for dinner. Kevin Ryan, 32, has reportedly been vying for a meal at Galactic Fried Chicken, and his wife Nancy, 34, has voted for a different restaurant every round, as she is […]
ST. MARYS, PA — Witnesses reported that the Gerbison household was in an unpleasant state after the dumb oaf of a husband, Gill, assumed he could use the bathroom’s hand towels to dry his hands. His wife, Gwen, was forced to sit him down and explain that the hand towels were not to be used […]
SANTA FE, NM — Local woman Amber Rhodes suddenly snapped out of a deep, seven-month coma today, at the exact moment her husband booted up his PlayStation.
GARDEN OF EDEN — Having gotten into a game of hide-and-seek with the omniscient God of the universe, Adam and Eve reported feeling confident that the Lord would never find them in their perfect hiding spot behind a tree.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After fourteen frantic cancellations, Representative Kevin McCarthy called the Capitol Supermarket late Friday night to order a fifteenth “Congratulations Mr. Speaker” celebratory cake.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a week of grueling votes for Speaker of the House — 15 in total — Kevin McCarthy was finally handed the people’s gavel and took his rightful place as Speaker. He lifted it up to the raucous applause of both Democrats and Republicans, signaling that the week of Congressional inactivity was […]
As voting for Presiding Officer over the House Of Representatives stretches into a 14th ballot, some analysts have begun calling for an outsider to energize the stalled process, rather than continuing with negotiations centered around Kevin McCarthy. There must be some qualified being other than the California Republican at the center of the gridlock – […]
U.S. — Scholars at Notre Dame’s Department of Theology have found new evidence that the forbidden fruit described in Genesis was not actually a fruit, but a vial of deadly, highly processed seed oil.
Religious persecution is ever-present in the lives of believers, and it’s famously underreported because it has nothing to do with race or gender. Are you one of the few God has chosen to suffer valiantly for your faith?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Marking an historic moment in our nation’s history, brilliant lawmaker and shoelace combatant Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez boldly took the floor with a biting question for her fellow representatives.
LAKE TAHOE, NV — Following the horrific accident that sidelined Hawkeye, the remaining Avengers have reportedly joined forces to strike back against the villainous Snow Plow. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes have stated they will stop at nothing to exact revenge on the monstrous machine that critically injured their teammate.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation is in shock today following reports of representatives in Congress showing up to work for the 4th day in a row. Sources in Washington say this may be a new record, as most members of the House are used to showing up maybe once or twice per month while spending […]
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