We all know that gas stoves are murderous devils, but they aren’t the only household appliances the government should ban for our own safety! Here are seven other appliances that are problematic:
WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Aviation Administration has shut down flights after Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg fell asleep on the department’s “SHUT DOWN ALL AIR TRAVEL” Button once again. Buttigieg fell asleep on the Button on Tuesday morning, grinding domestic air travel to a halt.
NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer scientists are hard at work on a new vaccine that will eliminate the deadly effects of gas stove emissions. If successful, the shot will allow for the use of a gas stove in a well-ventilated environment without masks.
WASHINGTON, DC — After multiple caches of highly classified government documents were found in different locations belonging to President Joe Biden, the United States Department of Justice acted swiftly to indict former President Donald Trump for the alleged crime.
U.S. — Male M&M’s everywhere rejoiced after the announcement by Mars, Inc. that the female M&M’s are getting their own bag. The male M&M’s hope this change will finally give them some much sought-after peace and quiet.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden’s continued efforts to make the world a better place by judiciously banning everything people hold dear continues to bear fruit. After educating the ignorant public on the dangers of gas stoves, the Commander-in-Chief has now set his crosshairs on a hazard that has killed millions throughout history: Fire. Powered by […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another trove of classified documents was found at Biden’s residence, Biden defended himself by claiming he is unaware of any classified documents, or who he is, or why he’s sitting in an oval-shaped office.
Are you being persecuted for your faith? Oh no! That’s not good! We Americans are experts in persecution, so we want to equip you with the tools you need to survive!
UZ — Job, famed tycoon of sheep, camels, oxen, and donkeys, has fallen upon hard times, losing much of his fortune and all his children in a single day, as well as being stricken with painful boils. The bereaved Job has found some respite in the form of visits from key friends, who brought with […]
U.S. — Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has officially reversed the COVID vaccine requirement for the military, as it is no longer needed now that all the Conservatives have been weeded out.
TEHRAN, IRAN — An oppressed Iranian woman who did not dare give journalists her name for fear of deadly repercussions said she finally feels like there’s hope thanks to an American mega-corporation unveiling a new package of all-female M&Ms.
U.S. — Doctors have finally admitted that the best treatment for the flu is watching The Price Is Right while eating crackers, ending decades-long speculation among local communities that flu medication didn’t do anything.
GALILEE — In a not-so-well-known miracle, Jesus the Son of God has done the impossible and healed a totally lame man by giving him a sick wardrobe makeover, curing him instantly.
CARMEL, IN — Former Vice President Mike Pence repented publicly at his church on Sunday after sources revealed he had eaten several “all-female” M&M candies from the new all-female bags without his wife present.
MONTECITO, CA — The unprecedented rain and flooding in California has forced celebrities to emerge from their mansions and force more selfie videos upon the unwary peasantry. One particular celebrity who travels on private jets and collects luxury sports cars posted a distressing video from near her $14 million mansion to say you are the […]
People sure have been making a big deal about vaccine efficacy and myocarditis for some reason. Weird! Don’t be afraid of taking the vaccine. It may not cure COVID-19, but what it does do is far more valuable.
ST. PAUL, MN — Sources are reporting that local man Verp Winston, who was mocked by friends for raising chickens in his backyard, is having the last laugh as egg prices have skyrocketed across the country.
U.S. — A newly released study has revealed that overall malarkey levels across the country have risen 376% since Biden took office, calling into question his Presidential campaign slogan that promised “No Malarkey.”
ATLANTA, GA — Radical conspiracy theorist Tom Donaldson is under fire once again for spreading the harmful idea that most mental health problems can be solved with exercise, fresh air, and spending time with family.
SACRAMENTO, CA — In an inspiring speech intended to boost the pride of the state’s remaining residents, Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be “the state of freedom,” despite the fact that he locked down businesses, churches, skate parks, paddleboarders, and pretty much everything else while locking everyone in their homes for 2 years. Powered […]
U.S. — A dispute regarding the nature of vaccination has arisen among faithful followers of The Science, and of Fauci its prophet. According to sources, some progressives say that the sacrament of vaccination is the literal body of Fauci, while others believe it is only symbolic.
U.S. — Medical experts are absolutely stumped as to what could be causing the recent uptick in healthy, young people everywhere that are suddenly collapsing with heart failure. Despite their uncertainty, experts do feel confident that we can rule out that one thing as the culprit.
GOTHAM CITY — Fear gripped the city today as a maniacal villain once again put innocent dozens of citizens’ lives at risk as the Joker (who is reportedly pregnant) and his gang of homicidal clowns held the First National Bank of Gotham City hostage until his unusual demands were met.
EL PASO, TX — Following a long-awaited and much-publicized visit to the U.S.-Mexico border, President Joe Biden sought to reassure the American people that the nation’s southern border is every bit as secure as America’s elections.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT