VERNAL, UT — Alvin and Nora Spleent, the parents of three adorable, rambunctious children, reportedly rushed to get their offspring fed, bathed, and into bed so the couple could sit down and enjoy their favorite tv show. They were asleep on the couch in five minutes, according to sources.
KYIV, UKRAINE — Intelligence reports indicate that a lone Ukrainian soldier was tasked with assembling all patriot missiles sent over from the U.S. with the included Allen wrench. The soldier, later identified as Petro Shevchenko, reportedly regrets volunteering for the assignment.
WORLD — In a stunning reversal from decades of scientific consensus, scientists have now revealed that the planet is hurtling toward a devastating ice age and that we need to pump as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible or we’re all going to die.
Raising a libertarian child can be tough, especially since they see your authority as totally illegitimate and say things like “AM I BEING DETAINED?” when you tell them to clean their room. If you have a libertarian kid, Christmas is a great opportunity to win them over with some perfect Christmas presents!
Is your husband cheating on you? We here at the Babylon Bee hate marital infidelity, so we consulted marriage experts to learn all the troubling signs to look for when a man isn’t being faithful.
U.S. — As a part of the $50 billion aid package being sent to Ukraine, Congress has also offered to throw in one $5 billion wall that’s just lying around at the southern border not being used.
WASHINGTON, DC — After finding it difficult to get lawmakers and other influential power brokers in the nation’s capital to actually read the proposed 4,155-page omnibus spending bill, concerned Republicans successfully convinced people to begin reading it by renaming it Harry Potter and the $1.7 Trillion Omnibus Bill. The change in interest was almost immediate. […]
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former and current President Donald J. Trump reportedly threw open the storm shutters of his Mar-a-Lago estate and proclaimed that, during the night he had been visited by the ghosts of January 6 past, present, and future, and that they confirmed what he already knew: He did everything perfectly.
WASHINGTON, DC — Only a day after his address to Congress, Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen ringing a bell next to a red donation bucket while standing outside the entrance to the U.S. Capitol building. Sources say it’s yet another attempt to seek money for his nation’s war effort against Russia.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s government was thrown into turmoil last night after a small band of insurrectionist traitors stormed the Capitol building while waving the flag of a foreign power.
Child grooming is every parent’s nightmare. No, this isn’t about personal hygiene (a common misconception), we’re talking about Left-wing perverts teaching your kids their weird sexual kinks. But how can you be sure your child’s school is a groomer-free zone?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources say Biden is feeling nervous after an unexpected visit from his Ukrainian boss Volodymyr Zelensky just as the White House was wrapping things up to go home for the holidays.
U.S. — Christmas time is in full swing with tree decorating, caroling, gift wrapping, and of course — the beloved tradition of traumatizing millions of small children everywhere by taking them to meet Santa Claus.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources in Washington, Republicans in Congress are livid at the irresponsible spending in a $1.7 trillion omnibus bill they just voted for.
WORLD — Several watchdog groups have sounded the alarm over a concerning rise in hate speech on Twitter since Elon Musk took ownership of the platform. They say African-Americans are being particularly targeted, as hate speech against them has risen over 10,000%.
HOGWARTS — Leaked internal messages among the faculty at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry reveal clear collusion between the school’s headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore, and Gryffindor House, which won the year-long contest for the House Cup. The house, which had been trailing in points behind Slytherin, suddenly gained 170 points at the very last […]
BLOOMSBURG, PA — After years of struggling to purchase his wife the right gift for Christmas, one local man started listening in October for ideas. His attentiveness gave him the idea of buying his wife a new, rechargeable vacuum after hearing her complain about the faults of their old Kirby model.
QUANTICO, VA — Twitter’s new CEO Elon Musk made headlines recently by revealing the FBI had paid Twitter to mass-censor conservative voices, serious allegations that followed layoffs which themselves have been described as worse than the Civil War and the Black Plague combined.
In his latest move to democratize the popular social media app, Elon Musk said he would use Twitter polls to make policy decisions at Twitter, following this announcement with a poll asking if he should step down as head of Twitter. He lost by a wide margin, but has yet to name his successor – […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Congress continued to conduct its final pieces of business before the holiday break, lawmakers warned that a total government shutdown could ensue if an agreement to send an additional package of tens of billions of dollars to Ukraine is not made by Friday.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In his quest to find someone worthy of running Twitter after he steps down, Elon Musk announced this week that he has hidden 5 golden tickets in Tesla cars around the world. Each golden ticket winner will be given a lifetime subscription to Twitter Blue and a tour of the legendary […]
There’s nothing like gathering the family during the holidays to watch a good old-fashioned Christmas movie! There are so many timeless classics out there, full of iconic moments we love to relive again and again!
GOTHAM CITY — The Dark Knight of Gotham looks like he may finally hang up the cape for good after a poll of Arkham inmates revealed most of them wish for Bruce Wayne to step down as Batman.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT