HELL, MI — Local husband and useless idiot Virgil Marlo met with disaster Monday after placing throw pillows on the bed in the wrong order. The clueless husband had attempted to tidy up after knocking the pillows on the floor.
HOLLYWOOD, FL — Emerging from deep within the lower levels of a high-security Hollywood laboratory, Hallmark researchers have surfaced to announce they are finally nearing the development of a second movie plot.
AUSTIN, TX — Just in time for the upcoming holiday season, popular Christian singer-songwriter Chris Tomlin has excitedly unveiled a brand new, completely original Christmas song titled “Silent Night.”
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — After posting a Twitter poll that seemed to indicate most Twitter users want him to step down from Twitter’s leadership, Elon Musk has revealed that millions of mail-in ballots sent in yesterday confirmed most people want him to stay.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a solemn moment of solidarity, The Washington Post has lowered the flags at all its buildings nationwide to half-staff in remembrance of the brave journalists who were suspended from Twitter by Elon Musk.
OTTAWA — The Canadian Medical System has officially rolled out its own “Life Alert” which provides immediate, medically-assisted death to geriatric patients who push the button.
U.S. — The publisher Zondervan has released a new Bible translation where the words “if you know what I mean” have been added to the end of every verse in Song of Solomon.
ANGLETON, TX — Local “Coco Loco” waiter Jesús Fernandez reportedly fed five thousand hungry people today with a single order of bottomless chips and salsa.
U.S. — After journalists this week experienced the terrible ignominy of a brief suspension from Twitter, the media has begun calling for some sort of constitutional amendment that would protect people’s right to speak.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the direction of the FBI, the National Archives has released all of the government’s documents related to John F. Kennedy’s assassination – except for the document that says the FBI killed President Kennedy.
BUFFALO, NY — Local dad Michael Cochran explained to his kids that this year, he felt confident that Santa would rather find some beer and cigars waiting at the bottom of the chimney than milk and cookies.
NEW YORK, NY — Multiple well-known journalists from mainstream media outlets were left baffled and outraged in the wake of a flurry of Twitter suspensions, despite the fact they didn’t commit any egregious offenses like reporting on Hunter Biden’s many scandals.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Registered Nurse Claire Bishop was devasted by the thought that TikTok might be banned in the U.S., a “nightmare scenario” which would force her to actually care for sick patients instead of just doing the latest, most trendy dances with the other nurses.
While some have called trading Britney Griner for Russia’s “Merchant Of Death” the worst trade in the history of trades, the Biden administration isn’t done yet! Here are 10 more trades our Commander-In-Chief is planning to make before 2023 is over.
ORLANDO, FL — In order to entice more customers who are looking for a real, authentic Italian dining experience, Olive Garden is now requiring all their wait staff to use that funny hand gesture Italian people always use.
BEIJING — China’s President Xi issued a stern warning to American politicians this week, vowing that any members of Congress who dare to vote for a ban on TikTok will be fired from their jobs.
Henry Cavill is out as Superman. No more shall he run faster than a locomotive or leap tall buildings in a single bound. Sad! Still, this is great news for a young actor looking for his big break. So who’s going to be the next Superman?
PALM BEACH, FL — Donald Trump announced a new line of collectible POGs Thursday, devastating presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis. This marks the first time brand-new POGs have been commissioned in thirty years.
BLUE SPRINGS, MO — A family was brought to the brink of tragedy today as a local woman began making funeral arrangements for her husband when he failed to respond to her text message within 13 seconds.
When socialism arrives, you’re going to want to be ready to “look at the glass as half-full” – even if the glass is empty or even if there is no glass! Here are 10 new perspectives you can adopt in the glorious socialist utopia that will help you make the best of things! Powered by […]
LAKELAND, FL — According to sources, local man Doug Bolters expressed his extreme displeasure at the signing of the Respect for Marriage Act which enshrines gay marriage into law, saying it is “extremely disrespectful to the institution of marriage.” Bolters is on his third marriage.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — James Cameron, acclaimed director of Avatar, a 2009 movie about estrogen-infused Smurfs, is releasing the much-anticipated sequel in theaters worldwide. The genius director decided moviegoers would flock to see a 190-minute movie about water with no bathroom breaks.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT