TORONTO — In an attempt to change with the times, toy and game manufacturer Hasbro has introduced a special edition of its popular game Operation. This new version of the game, available only in Canada, simply has players end the patient’s life immediately.
LUXEMBOURG — Recent discoveries have revealed a motive behind Cain’s decision to murder his brother Abel out in an open field. While it was long assumed that Cain chose this location due to its convenience — as Cain was a farmer and Abel was a shepherd, making fields an area the brothers had in common […]
ALBERT LEA, MN — Sources close to local man Payton Martin allege that he used to be a fun, carefree young man who loved getting fun gifts for Christmas — and who was “super sad and disappointed” when he opened a big package under the Christmas tree only to find that it was a pack […]
BETHLEHEM — According to sources close to Mary, the Mother of Jesus, the young Jewish mom was touched by the gifts brought to her by the wise men: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Still, she was a bit disappointed that none of them had brought an air fryer.
KYIV, UKRAINE — Tragedy struck Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky Friday as he shot himself in the eye with a rocket launcher he had received only days before as a gift from the United States.
MONTGOMERYVILLE, PA — Local dad Justin Simpson took a trip to the mall on Christmas Eve to begin his Christmas shopping, only to find a vacant lot where the mall once stood.
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local wife Chelsea Hammond has just proposed a brand new 4,155-page Target funding bill to her husband but is only giving him 2 days to read through it all. Chelsea claims that if the omnibus spending package is not passed in its entirety, then their household will have to shut down and […]
Do you homeschool your kids? Ew! Where will they learn social skills? Aren’t you concerned about that? Oh well–even weird homeschoolers deserve a good Christmas, so here are some gift ideas to help you out!
KYIV — Somber news came out of war-torn Ukraine today as reports confirmed Santa Claus’s sleigh had been mistaken for a hostile Russian aircraft and was shot down by a Ukrainian surface-to-air missile as it flew over the greater Kyiv area early this morning.
VERNAL, UT — Alvin and Nora Spleent, the parents of three adorable, rambunctious children, reportedly rushed to get their offspring fed, bathed, and into bed so the couple could sit down and enjoy their favorite tv show. They were asleep on the couch in five minutes, according to sources.
KYIV, UKRAINE — Intelligence reports indicate that a lone Ukrainian soldier was tasked with assembling all patriot missiles sent over from the U.S. with the included Allen wrench. The soldier, later identified as Petro Shevchenko, reportedly regrets volunteering for the assignment.
WORLD — In a stunning reversal from decades of scientific consensus, scientists have now revealed that the planet is hurtling toward a devastating ice age and that we need to pump as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible or we’re all going to die.
Raising a libertarian child can be tough, especially since they see your authority as totally illegitimate and say things like “AM I BEING DETAINED?” when you tell them to clean their room. If you have a libertarian kid, Christmas is a great opportunity to win them over with some perfect Christmas presents!
Is your husband cheating on you? We here at the Babylon Bee hate marital infidelity, so we consulted marriage experts to learn all the troubling signs to look for when a man isn’t being faithful.
U.S. — As a part of the $50 billion aid package being sent to Ukraine, Congress has also offered to throw in one $5 billion wall that’s just lying around at the southern border not being used.
WASHINGTON, DC — After finding it difficult to get lawmakers and other influential power brokers in the nation’s capital to actually read the proposed 4,155-page omnibus spending bill, concerned Republicans successfully convinced people to begin reading it by renaming it Harry Potter and the $1.7 Trillion Omnibus Bill. The change in interest was almost immediate. […]
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former and current President Donald J. Trump reportedly threw open the storm shutters of his Mar-a-Lago estate and proclaimed that, during the night he had been visited by the ghosts of January 6 past, present, and future, and that they confirmed what he already knew: He did everything perfectly.
WASHINGTON, DC — Only a day after his address to Congress, Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen ringing a bell next to a red donation bucket while standing outside the entrance to the U.S. Capitol building. Sources say it’s yet another attempt to seek money for his nation’s war effort against Russia.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s government was thrown into turmoil last night after a small band of insurrectionist traitors stormed the Capitol building while waving the flag of a foreign power.
Child grooming is every parent’s nightmare. No, this isn’t about personal hygiene (a common misconception), we’re talking about Left-wing perverts teaching your kids their weird sexual kinks. But how can you be sure your child’s school is a groomer-free zone?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources say Biden is feeling nervous after an unexpected visit from his Ukrainian boss Volodymyr Zelensky just as the White House was wrapping things up to go home for the holidays.
U.S. — Christmas time is in full swing with tree decorating, caroling, gift wrapping, and of course — the beloved tradition of traumatizing millions of small children everywhere by taking them to meet Santa Claus.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources in Washington, Republicans in Congress are livid at the irresponsible spending in a $1.7 trillion omnibus bill they just voted for.
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