WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon’s continued ownership of Twitter means they now only control 97% of the media.
WASHINGTON, DC — The White House was lit up with the colors of a fanatical cult this week, officially signaling the Biden Administration’s establishment of a new state-sponsored religion. The move has received both widespread applause and serious concerns about the First Amendment implications.
BETHLEHEM — What began as a joyous celebration quickly devolved into chaos and horror for some local shepherds after a multitude of the Heavenly host began singing “Last Christmas” by Wham! late last night.
School libraries are safe spaces for children to open their minds to the virtues of cross-dressing and Communism. But if you wrote a book about sea turtles and their wacky adventures you may find trouble getting your story approved by the librarian. You’re going to need to update that timeless tale for a contemporary audience. […]
OTTAWA — Former Rightful-President Hillary Clinton has been awarded an honorary medical license by the Canadian Minister of Health due to her decades of experience providing dignified euthanasia services to men and women in America.
BAHAMAS — Deposed king of cryptocurrency and founder of the now-defunct FTX, Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested by Federal authorities and will be prosecuted after running out of bribery money.
PROVO, UT — With 11 minutes of estimated assembly time and a single Allen wrench as a required toolset, the $38 IKEA bunk bed has been rated as “probably safe.”
CAMBRIDGE — In an effort to get ahead of the ever-changing definitions of commonly used words due to evolving societal norms, the Cambridge Dictionary has announced that it has changed the definition of the word “definition.”
U.S. — Man scientists released new health guidelines for personal hygiene on Wednesday by confirming the validity of a well-established tradition: washing your hair and letting the shampoo just sort of run down the rest of you is good enough.
NORTH POLE — Elon Musk finalized the purchase of Santa’s Workshop this week and immediately released internal e-mails which show how the naughty and nice lists were created.
CALGARY — A local doctor was embroiled in controversy this week and ultimately lost his medical license after being caught not wearing a mask while euthanizing a patient. The uproar that resulted from the incident has left the medical community in chaos regarding following COVID-19 protocols while killing people.
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Vice President Kamala Harris recently visited the home of WNBA star Brittney Griner to welcome her back to the US after her release from a Russian prison. After greeting Griner with a hug, Harris slapped handcuffs on her and tossed her into the back of a waiting police cruiser. Powered by […]
ANCHORAGE, ALASKA — Christmas 2023 has been canceled after Sam Brinton stole Santa Claus’ sack. Brinton, Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Office of Spent Fuel, was seen on security footage taking the sack from Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport on Saturday afternoon.
OTTAWA — As Canada’s MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation’s healthcare system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results: Parliament just announced a punch card that allows patients to receive a free suicide after 10 doctor visits. Powered by […]
U.S. — The latest doll from the classic American Girl line is expected to miss projected sales numbers for the holiday season following an unenthusiastic launch. The doll, named Steve, is the company’s first openly transgender doll.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Alleged right-wing conspiracy theorist and hatemonger Elon Musk has forced another celebrity to stand up for their convictions and leave Twitter. This time Sir Elton John has announced he is leaving Twitter for good with his much-anticipated three-year Farewell Twitter Tour.
RESEDA, CA — A small commotion broke out and stopped Christmas shoppers in their tracks at a local mall today, as Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen sitting on the mall Santa Clause’s lap and overheard asking for an additional $50 billion in funding for his nation’s ongoing war against Russia.
PHOENIX, AZ — After becoming a national cause du jour while being unjustly held in a Russian prison, Brittney Griner has returned to the WNBA and disappeared into total anonymity.
NAZARETH — According to those close to Joseph and Mary, Prominent OB/GYN Dr. Zacchaus of Nazareth pulled Joseph aside after Mary’s latest checkup to tell him hauling his pregnant wife to Bethlehem on the back of a donkey was kind of a bad idea.
BETHLEHEM — Archaeologists have discovered the unmistakable remains from humongous “Minion” inflatables that Mary and Joseph used to decorate the front of the stable.
RICHMOND, VA — The entire congregation of First Baptist Church Of Richmond is on edge this evening after it was discovered that Aiden has been allowed to hold a candle for the kid’s choir rendition of “Silent Night.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to negative backlash over a poorly negotiated prison exchange with Russia, President Biden has begun reading The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT