PARIS — A teddy bear became seriously injured Sunday night when it couldn’t remember the right safe word during a progressive bondage-themed photoshoot for kids at Balenciaga headquarters. Ambulances were dispatched to the scene where they treated the innocent toy and transported it to a nearby teddy-bear hospital.
Hey there! Are you a minority? Then you’re in luck! Benevolent politicians are working for you. This is the best time to be a minority because if there’s one thing we know about politicians, it’s that they care!
MONTECITO, CA — The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced a brand-new Netflix docuseries entitled Harry and Meghan that talks about why the famous couple wishes they had more privacy.
OMAHA, NE — Local husband Terry McGerry was seen beaming with confidence as he waited in line at the department store checkout, having picked out the wrong Christmas present for his wife weeks earlier than usual.
BALTIMORE, MD — This week, a new study from Johns-Hopkins University has concluded masks are over 75% effective at helping small children stay protected from oxygen.
U.S. — This weekend, Twitter CEO Elon Musk directed the release of documents and emails showing collusion between the media and the DNC to suppress a major news story. The DNC and media have responded to the DNC/media collusion story by colluding to suppress the story about their collusion.
PALM BEACH, FL — Donald Trump says he is once again the victim of “MASSIVE AND WIDESPREAD FRAUD & DECEPTION” after losing 12 games in a row of Mario Kart. The former President is now calling for the termination of all rules, regulations, and articles for Mario Kart, effective immediately.
OMAHA, NE — Local man Byron Hardin achieved opulence beyond the greatest of medieval royalty after adding some black pepper to his box of Kraft mac and cheese.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise reversal from over 6 years of opposition, Democrats in Congress have officially endorsed Donald Trump for President in 2024 after he called for the suspension of the U.S. Constitution on TRUTH Social.
MINNETONKA, MN — Local boy Linus Van Pelt has been permanently banned from the local community theater, after an episode in which he commandeered a play rehearsal and began reciting from the Bible.
U.S. — Democrats have dedicated themselves to finding a new social media platform that will agree to censor damaging stories coming about how they used other social media platforms to censor damaging stories.
U.S. — After the men’s national team was dealt a crushing 1-3 loss by the Netherlands, the United States expressed deep relief to no longer have to go on pretending to like soccer.
FORT WAYNE, IN — Local man Garrett Benton has officially spent half of his annual salary paying other people to do the manly things he wishes he could do himself.
It’s important for Christians to live a life of charity, but it’s, like, really hard. Wouldn’t it be great if you could support the poor without putting any effort or self-sacrifice into it? Now there are ten ways!
AUSTIN, TX — The world waited eagerly for further information on the Hunter Biden laptop story suppression from Twitter owner Elon Musk, who had vowed to reveal the details of potential government collusion with the media as soon as he can figure out why he keeps seeing little red dots hovering around on his body. […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a courageous public statement denouncing Adolph Hitler in 2022, President Joe Biden deviated from his prepared remarks and recounted the time he personally faced off against Hitler while working as a lifeguard at a public swimming pool in Wilmington, Delaware.
BATON ROUGE, LA — Following several years of diligent highlighting during his daily devotions, a local man has soaked every single word in his Bible with layers of neon highlighter and underlining, and now has no idea which Scriptures are inspired and which are optional.
AUSTIN, TX — Amid a storm of controversy over recent antisemitic comments and remarks praising Hitler, Ye West has announced the release of his brand-new album My Struggle.
DEATH VALLEY, CA — Baal, the ancient Mesopotamian deity described in scripture and demonological textbooks such as Pseudomonarchia Daemonum has distanced itself from Balenciaga after the company’s recent scandal.
QATAR — Todd Ballings, a FIFA referee representing U.S. rule keepers in the 2022 World Cup, is reported to have quietly pulled an assistant referee to ask if they think it’s too late to admit he doesn’t know what offsides is.
SEATTLE, WA — In a move that seems destined to produce both increased interest and controversy, coffee giant Starbucks has announced the start of a new promotion in which customers will receive a free shot of espresso if they are able to correctly guess their barista’s gender when placing their order.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT