U.S. — As distrust in experts reaches record highs across the country, many experts are issuing a dire warning that if you stop listening to them it will make them feel sad.
JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT — Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker has turned away from his path to the Dark Side after stumbling across Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube and picking up a 12 Rules For Life hologram.
OAKS, PHILADELPHIA — The Kennel Club‘s annual dog show competition was taken by storm this year by first-ever trans furry competitor Blake Ruff. The decision was made unanimously by judges to award Mr. Ruff with the event‘s most coveted title of ‘Best In Show’. According to sources, Blake Ruff had never won a single competition […]
QATAR – Former president Barack Obama was among the millions of Americans who enjoyed watching the United States’ thrilling 1-0 victory over Iran in the World Cup. However, after the game he had questions about the Americans’ strategy.
HURRICANE, UT — In a stunning announcement, Disney has revealed “The Chosen” will be incorporated into the Marvel Multiverse following a cameo appearance by Deadpool in the show’s upcoming third season.
BURBANK, CA — As part of a new pledge to “quiet down” the company’s aggressive push for progressive themes in its content, returning Disney CEO Bob Iger has revealed the entertainment giant will cut back to including only seven LGTB characters in each children’s movie.
NORRISTOWN, PA — Chad Pullman, 39, slipped into a deep depression Monday after finishing off the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers. Doctors say he has been unable to leave his bedroom for two days.
BOCA RATON, FL — Over the past few weeks, Ben Shapiro has created video responses to Kanye “Ye” West’s anti-semitic statements, causing West to direct tweets at the conservative commentator. Shapiro further escalated the situation this week by releasing an epic diss track that industry analysts say spells the end of “Ye’s” career. Powered by […]
Social media gets a bad rap these days, but did you know there are tremendous health benefits to scrolling endlessly on social media and interacting with hostile strangers for hours on end?
NORTH POLE – A spokesman for Santa’s Workshop today announced the organization’s latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who’s naughty and who’s nice: an Elf on the Shelf with the ability to hack into and review social media accounts for examples of misgendering and other hate speech.
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook confirmed this morning that he’s prepared to remove the Twitter app from the App Store but that he’s waiting for orders from CCP President Xi before he makes a move.
WASHINGTON, D.C — Congress is set to come together and vote on the Respect For Giant Golden Statue Of Nebuchadnezzar Act, or the RFGGSON Act for short. Proponents of the said act claim that requiring nationwide respect for the golden image of the great King Nebuchadnezzar is as necessary as it is powerful and brave. […]
NEW YORK, NY — Balenciaga is facing a wave of online criticism after a MyPillow pillow was spotted in the background of one of the company’s photo shoots for its winter collection. The CEO of MyPillow Mike Lindell is known for his strong support of Donald Trump.
SHANGHAI — According to sources, thousands of right-wing, anti-science extremists have converged in Shanghai to protest Chinese President Xi’s common sense COVID restrictions.
What a year 2022 has been! We have so much to be thankful for at the Bee. The world may be a roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion, but it’s a funny roiling cauldron of hellish insanity sliding into oblivion! What a ride!
WESTON, MA — In a powerful statement on women’s reproductive rights, a local family has added a Planned Parenthood location to their elaborate Christmas village display.
ANNAPOLIS, MD — A local man is celebrating after his bathroom scale confirmed he had met his ambitious fitness goal of gaining only 9 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend.
BERKELEY, CA – Davis Patterson, a bystander during a shooting that left a dozen dead, has been arrested for misgendering the shooter, Blake Jacobson, who is non-binary. The arrest came after Patterson yelled ‘he’s got a gun!’ as he dove for cover under a hail of bullets.
BEIJING — This week, dozens of Chinese citizens died after the Chinese Communist Party welded their apartment doors shut and a fire broke out in the building, sparking protests. China has doubled down on its “Zero COVID” policy, however, and has tapped Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer to lead its COVID lockdown enforcement measures. Powered by […]
Everyone agrees soccer is boring and America needs to fix it, but how? Here are ten simple ways to make soccer interesting, since the rest of the planet apparently remains intent on making us watch it every four years.
QATAR — The United States’ soccer match against England ended in a tie, handing the U.S. team victory as the country which last beat the other in a war wins the tiebreaker.
RALEIGH, NC — A local retailer is making waves after announcing its most dramatic Black Friday sale ever, in which every item in the store is marked down to whatever the price was before Biden became President.
BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow & Jell-O salad.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Several news crews raced to the scene of a reported shooting this morning to determine whether details of the shooting might prove politically useful or not.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT