CAPERNAUM — New evidence suggests that some of the people present at Jesus Christ’s famous Sermon on the Mount had to sit in an overflow section on the eastern side of the mount where a large jumbotron screen had been set up.
ROANOKE, VA — The FBI has dispatched surveillance teams after several reports surfaced of Christian Nationalists planning to spend a day thanking God for His blessings and praying for America.
PEPIN, WI — Local man Robert Thurdriftle took the day off work to tackle some of the 74 different things he had to do but, after puzzling about what to do first, eventually settled on doing nothing.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Amid plunging stock, unprofitable streaming, and a business model intensely focused on sexualizing children as young as possible, Bob Chapek has been ousted from Disney and replaced with former CEO Bob Iger.
Elon Musk is infamous for being a brutal boss to work for, and with his acquisition of Twitter, the employees will have to adjust to an absolutely crushing new work environment. Can they survive?
DOHA, QATAR — The World Cup courted controversy this week after one of the teams continued racking up an obscene number of points even after it was clear they were already poised to win 1-0. Their aggressiveness has been labeled “cruel,” and they are facing accusations of “running up the score” leading to their 2-0 […]
QATAR — Twenty-five members of the US Men’s Soccer team were thrown off the top of the Lusail Stadium today after defying Qatar authorities and wearing LGBTQ+ jerseys on the field. Twenty-four players died in the incident.
Joe Biden is the most popular president in history. You can’t throw a rock without hitting someone who voted for him! So, the chances are high that someone you love is a Biden voter.
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN — Individuals and organizations are quitting Twitter in droves to protest Elon Musk’s “recklessly violent” decision to reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account, chief among them the Taliban.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a break from a long-standing tradition, the White House announced that this year’s Thanksgiving turkey would not receive a ceremonial pardon from President Joe Biden after it was discovered that the turkey had attended the riot at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021.
WICHITA, KS — After months of arguing that he was ready for the responsibility of a mobile device, local homeschooler Kevin Hillstead at last wore his parents down.
HUNTSVILLE, AL — Local family physician Dr. Baines waited in rapt anticipation today to learn what plethora of diseases his patient Mrs. Lamb had diagnosed herself with via WebMD.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After being fired from her role as Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi was photographed nonchalantly stealing the official Speaker podium to take home as a souvenir.
AKRON, OH — In order to properly shame the weak, newly installed thermostats will now require men to surrender their Man Card in order to turn on the heat.
U.S. — Ticketmaster crashed early Friday following the announcement that Psalty the Singing Songbook would bring his “Funtastic Praise Party Reunion Tour” to the United States in time for Christmas. Demand for Psalty tickets immediately overwhelmed the popular ticket broker, leading to a company-wide outage that drove up the price of tickets for Taylor Swift, […]
JERUSALEM — A local rabbi named Jesus has been accused of being a dangerous Christian Nationalist after saying that soon he will establish his kingdom over the whole earth.
DOHA, QATAR — In a move that quickly received international backlash, the World Cup host country of Qatar has banned the sale of beer in or near arenas where matches will be played. With beer sales outlawed, the World Cup’s estimated 1 million attendees will be forced to just sit there and watch soccer. Powered […]
MURRIETA, CA — After an anonymous tip from the owner of a local arcade, The FBI raided the home of Nick Baird, who had reportedly gotten way too far on the Area 51 arcade game.
HOUSTON, TX — Megachurch pastor Klive Fursteen has just delivered yet another hard-hitting, impassioned sermon where he couldn’t help but get choked up during a particularly powerful point in the message.
WASHINGTON, DC — Emboldened by his re-election as the Republican leader in the Senate, Mitch McConnell has narrowed his immediate focus on the real problems facing the nation, the most serious of which is the Taylor Swift concert ticket scandal. After failing to obtain tickets himself, the Kentucky Senator vowed to hold Ticketmaster accountable. Powered […]
WORLD — Hundreds of millions of people around the world mourned the sudden death of Twitter last night with hundreds of millions of heartfelt posts on Twitter.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Respect for Marriage Bill to codify gay marriage nearing final passage, Representative Ilhan Omar has asked for an additional amendment to allow another form of marriage people might want to take advantage of from time to time.
INDEPENDENCE, MO — A local man found cause for great concern this week when he discovered Amazon was moving forward with plans to build a distribution hub located in his front yard.
We hope you’re hungry… for nothing! See, you’re not supposed to eat meat anymore, because it’s bad for the planet. Luckily, the World Economic Forum, Bill Gates, and a panel of expert lizard people all got together and came up with these 11 much greener substitutes for meat:
QATAR — Twenty-five members of the US Men’s Soccer team were thrown off the top of the Lusail Stadium today after defying Qatar authorities and wearing LGBTQ+ jerseys on the field. Twenty-four players died in the incident. 
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT