WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday the Senate advanced the Respect For Marriage Act with a successful 62-37 vote, signaling their intent to legitimize marriage between weeb perverts and their Japanese body pillows.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Since her involuntary retirement from her lucrative gig as Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has been seen lingering on the street corners of the National Mall with a cardboard sign that says “Will trade stock tips 4 food.”
Scandal. Conspiracy. The beast which comes forth from the sea to make war with the saints and to overcome them. These are just a few phrases you may have heard regarding the developing FTX scandal. But what is FTX? And what is a scandal? Here’s everything you should know.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Respect for Marriage Act, which legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide, is expected to pass Congress. Sources now say one of the main drivers for its success is the additional $50 billion it authorized for the war effort in Ukraine.
U.S. — Following Donald Trump’s Tuesday announcement of his 2024 campaign, many Americans are remembering a time when we finished one election before starting another. The Georgia Senate race is in a runoff, and fourteen House races have yet to be called.
Trump is going to be president again! No, really! And when he takes office he’s going to make America great and glorious again. For real this time! Over five hundred items are on the top of his day one list.
PAWTUCKET, RI — With the holidays just around the corner, Nerf has introduced its new line of high-capacity, rapid-fire guns with a highly realistic ad that is just two hours of Dad picking up darts.
PALMDALE, CA — After a bruising campaign and a protracted process of tabulating results, local man Mike Vaughan’s wife has gained control of the house in a slim but decisive majority of 1 vote per wife and 1 vote per husband.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday he would be opening an exclusive company cafeteria that would sell items for $8.00 each, reversing an earlier policy in which free delicacies were lovingly spooned directly into the mouths of employees by an on-call wait staff.
CHAPPAQUA, NY — In the aftermath of Donald Trump’s announcement of his 2024 Presidential candidacy, the nation was frozen with fear as word began to spread that former First Lady-New York Senator-Secretary of State-Failed Presidential Candidate-Election Denier-Legendary Assassin Hillary Clinton was preparing to make a major announcement of her own.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Last night President Trump made the announcement that he will be running for a historic third term as president after already winning the two previous ones.
HENDERSONVILLE, TN — According to sources, a local pediatrician has just wrapped up his round of daily calls with concerned parents in which he assures them their child’s cold will only last another 3 to 4 years.
Though votes from the 2022 midterm elections are still being tallied, the writing’s on the wall: Republicans blew it. The only way they come back from this is by inspiring voters with some common sense changes to their policy and messaging.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to sources, a local developer who was recently let go from Twitter is having a difficult time finding the meditation room at his new job at the SFO Airport Taco Bell.
PALM BEACH, FL — The nation is effervescent with anticipation for Donald J. Trump’s upcoming announcement. While many pundits speculate today is the day Trump confirms his 2024 presidential run, sources close to him have confirmed the King of Name-Calling will actually be unveiling a list of savage new nicknames for rising Republican star, Ron […]
KYIV, UKRAINE — The United States has solved the crisis in Ukraine after Congress voted to install a “gun-free zone” sign in Ukraine. The sign is expected to put an end to the Russia-Ukraine crisis, which began in 2014 with fighting in isolated regions before escalating to a full-scale land invasion of Ukraine in February […]
PHOENIX, AZ — In a stunning outcome to a highly scrutinized race, Katie Hobbs, the charismatic leader and official vote counter of Arizona, has emerged victorious after 108% of the state’s voting precincts reported in. Though mathematicians were puzzled by the plausibility — and, indeed, possibility — of the results, Democrats were quick to hail […]
LOS ANGELES, CA — Following the publication of an influential paper presented at an ecumenical conference exploring Isaac’s troubled relationship with his father Abraham, most historians now believe that Isaac found excuses to avoid hikes, camping trips, and father-son wilderness outings with his Dad after what the family delicately termed “the incident.”
TWIN FALLS, ID — Local reports indicate that local father Jeffrey Knickerflogg ascended to legendary status Monday evening after he surprised his family by bringing home pizza for dinner.
PALM BEACH, FL — The Babylon Bee has obtained the inside scoop regarding Donald J. Trump’s big upcoming announcement, and is first to report that the 45th President of the United States bowled a perfect 300 in Wii Sports.
LAS VEGAS, NV — As the nation continues to await the final results of last week’s midterm elections, a local Democrat candidate pulled out a shocking victory in a narrow race, winning by only two rolling travel suitcases.
HOUSTON, TX — In a shocking turn of events, famed prosperity gospel preacher Joel Osteen has suddenly gone bankrupt after local woman Carissa Stewart named and claimed his entire estate.
PAWTUCKET, RI — With the holidays just around the corner, Nerf has introduced its new line of high-capacity, rapid-fire guns with a highly realistic ad that is just two hours of Dad picking up darts. 
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT