GREELEY, CO — Multiple sources have confirmed that local man Dan Zilph’s Instagram account exists solely to wish his wife “happy birthday” every year. Evidence that Zilph uses his Instagram for a singular purpose becomes clear when looking at his once-annual posts occurring the day after his wife’s birthday.
EARTH — As civilization continues to decline, experts have now pinpointed the exact moment humanity reached its tipping point: January 16, 1999, when Batman: The Animated Series ended its run.
PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Trump’s ambitious bid to be DeSantis’s VP running mate in 2024 is off to a rocky start this week after Trump wrote a long missive criticizing Governor DeSantis with the incisive new nickname “Ron DeSanctimonious.”
DERRY, NH — After an intense competition, the winner of a local Miss America beauty pageant for a college scholarship was revealed to be the Patriarchy.
U.S. — The thousands of babies alive today because of the Dobbs ruling have apologized to Republicans for contributing to their lackluster midterm results.
HARRISBURG, PA — Senator-elect John Fetterman has finally realized the American dream by living with his parents until at least the age of 50 before smoothly transitioning into a cushy government job.
LOS ANGELES, CA — When U-Haul announced an investment in a massive project in California, the state leadership’s panic over continued population loss subsided. The relief was short-lived, however, as it turned out U-Haul’s big project was just building a bullet train to accommodate the moving needs of everyone fleeing California for Texas. Powered by […]
PHOENIX, AZ — Hopes for the timely counting of Arizona ballots have hit a snag as famed author George R.R. Martin has been placed in charge of counting the state’s ballots.
NEW YORK, NY — In an unexpected turn of events, Saturday Night Live is working no what is being anticipated by critics and viewers alike as its funniest episode in decades following a writers’ boycott in protest of comedian Dave Chapelle hosting the show.
TALLAHASSEE, FL — The 2022 midterm elections ended with a heap of disappointments and shattered expectations for the Republican party. As the nation waits patiently for final tallies to trickle in and determine party power, one thing is for certain: Florida governor Ron DeSantis selfishly hoarded the entire red wave for himself.
Wherever your political loyalties lie, you were probably disappointed in the result of the most recent election. After all, you weren’t crowned king and placed in a position to impose your own personal desires on the whole of mankind. Bummer!
U.S. — With people across the country pinching pennies to deal with runaway inflation, several reports suggest that cutting your own hair can save you from looking like you spent money on a haircut.
SPRINGFIELD, MO — This week, Christian Republicans expressed disappointment when the expected Red Wave™ was downgraded to a “red trickle.” Widespread reports indicated that their frustration with the election results was acute enough to nearly convince them to place their trust in God once again rather than elected representatives.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the wake of his Senate victory, Democratic Pennsylvania Lt. Gov. John Fetterman has purchased a new dress hoodie to wear in Washington. Fetterman made the purchase at the King of Prussia mall on Wednesday afternoon.
U.S. — President Biden’s congratulatory call to John Fetterman for his senate race win reportedly lasted in excess of three hours because neither man was able to form a coherent sentence.
SCRANTON, PA — With the midterm elections in the nation’s rearview mirror, tens of millions of Americans are now left struggling to fill the void in their lives left by the glaring absence of political commercials.
U.S. — Americans are doing lots of soul-searching after the midterms. According to reports, many are not sure if they want to be the kind of people who support a party running brain-damaged politicians or a party that loses to brain-damaged politicians.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid record discontent around the economy, inflation, and education, the Republican Party has narrowly managed to stave off what many thought would be a record-breaking red wave.
HARRISBURG, PA — In a miracle many are hailing as the greatest in 2,000 years, a humble voting machine has produced 5000 Democrat ballots out of only 5 ballots.
PENNSYLVANIA — Results from the midterm elections this week could take months or even years to come back, Pennsylvania election officials confirmed, after candidate John Fetterman insisted on counting the ballots himself. According to sources, Fetterman was handed a stack of ballots and began counting. “1… 2… 3…” he began, poll watchers claim, stating that […]
JERUSALEM — Scholars and archeologists have uncovered evidence in a dig outside the Temple Mount that indicates Israelite King Solomon spent up to 3 hours per day opening pickle jars for his 700 wives and 300 concubines.
MANCHESTER, NH – An investigation has revealed that National Public Radio (NPR), a state-funded nonprofit media organization in the United States, consists of just one white woman, Karen Atkinson, who does all the voices on NPR’s radio shows and podcasts.
MANHATTAN, NY — Famed actress and Democrat spokesperson for The View Whoopi Goldberg has decided she is leaving Twitter now that Elon Musk is in control. To provide a safe place for others leaving the platform, Whoopi announced the formation of her new site, Whoopi Social.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT