Polling data shows that Democrats have a chance of losing both chambers of Congress. But it’s not all doom and gloom! Democrats have some noteworthy achievements under their belt that they can cite to remind Americans why they should stay in power.
U.S. — Intrest in Drag Queen Story Hour has declined drastically across the country after several libraries chose to more accurately name them “Man-Wearing-Lingerie-Wants-To-Spend-Time-With-Your-Kids Hour.”
PARIS — According to experts in neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With holiday festivities gearing up in the nation’s capital, sources in the White House confirmed that First Lady Jill Biden has chosen her Halloween costume, which will include a white lab coat and stethoscope to make her look like a real doctor.
BRUSSELS — In response to Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin’s war with Ukraine resulting in the deaths of tens of thousands of soldiers and civilians, the European Union has unanimously voted to designate Putin “a real jerk.”
ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Local man Jason Malone was disappointed to learn that his impressive Super Smash Bros skills have not really been considered during several recent interviews. He reports that after three interviews, no prospective employers have seemed impressed by his incredible game-playing ability.
EGYPT — Moses delivered the Lord’s command to Israel that every family must gather a double portion of Chick-fil-A on Saturday, knowing that none may be gathered on the Sabbath.
COLUMBIA, SC — Local man Alex McIlvaine stumbled upon the brilliant idea today of adding a little sign to his cigar humidor that reads “Smokeable essential oils.”
PEORIA, IL — Rather than going through the unmitigated awkwardness of sharing the gospel with his coworker Brad, local man Dave Cannon has instead quit his job and become a missionary to a remote village in Africa.
AMMAN, JORDAN — New evidence uncovered by researchers at the University of Jordan sheds new light on the scriptural tale of Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord. Scholars now believe the epic wrestling match ended after Jacob performed a wicked powerbomb, forcing the angel to tap out.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, star congressghost and the world’s smartest socialist, revealed today that ghost has been using ghost/ghostself pronouns to refer to ghostself ever since ghost was murdered in the January 6 protests at the capitol building.
NEW YORK, NY — Local pipe fitting outside salesman Jason Quintana emailed his coworker Carl today to see if he’d been able to work up the most recent quarterly sales report for the big Etherton Pipeline account. But a few hours went by, and Quintana began to worry that Carl doesn’t check his email as […]
LONDON — Sources at the National Gallery revealed today that a self-portrait of Vincent van Gogh cut its own ear off so that it would no longer have to hear the anguished cries of climate change protesters tossing tomato soup on his masterpieces.
AUSTIN, TX — In a landslide victory during a special statewide referendum this week, Texans overwhelmingly voted to have a giant airship pick up Austin via tow cables and drop the city off in California.
KANSAS CITY, MO — In preparation for another grueling worship service, local pentecostal Sam Twibbins is loading up on a pre-workout concoction of whey protein, creatine, and beta-alanine for maximum gains and recovery.
Biden is warning of a coming nuclear apocalypse, but don’t worry! A thermonuclear war that wipes out most life on the planet wouldn’t be all bad! Let’s look at the bright side, shall we?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol™ may have stopped broadcasting on prime-time television, but sources reveal the committee is alive and well behind closed doors with an audience of stuffed animals and action figures they arranged in chairs.
U.S. — With inflation and consumer prices climbing faster than ever, Christians around the country are finding it easier than ever to stop storing up treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
DEARBORN, MI — After hundreds of Muslim parents attended a school board meeting to protest pornographic material in elementary school libraries, the DOJ and FBI leaped into action to make sure all parents in attendance were added to the No-Fly List.
BRUSSELS — Despite the uproar caused by revelations at a European Union hearing that the pharmaceutical giant rushed the COVID-19 vaccine out into use without testing it for preventing transmission, Pfizer executives were quick to backtrack and point out that they did, in fact, test the vaccine — on over five billion people. Powered by […]
