WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the midterm elections approach, cynical Republicans are pouncing on Biden being one of the worst presidents ever. According to sources in Washington, Republicans plan to cruelly take advantage of Biden’s handling of Afghanistan, inflation, the economy, spending, jobs, the border crisis, and his own dementia, to convince the American people to […]
MENLO PARK, CA — A few weeks ago, Instagram banned Pornhub’s account amid mounting evidence of nonconsensual sexual exploitative material on the account. Instagram says their decision is an integrity move due to the wide documentation of Pornhub’s inappropriate and illegal practices, as well as to remove one of their chief competitors in providing pornographic […]
FORT MYERS, FL — As emergency crews worked tirelessly to rescue Floridians with the sense to stay out of Georgia, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen on a rescue boat, paddling door to door and asking for donations to support the war effort against Russia.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — After musical artist and professional twerker Lizzo made waves by playing James Madison’s crystal flute on stage, Beyoncé upped the ante by performing in Times Square wearing George Washington’s false teeth.
LOS ANGELES, CA – According to reports, a concert venue of 750 saw record amounts of strained, polite smiles and lackluster cheers as a band that has been popular for 23 years played a shocking 9 songs of new material before getting to the hits and deep tracks that they actually wanted to hear. Powered […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Hurricane Ian made landfall in Florida, Biden held a press conference to criticize the hurricane naming system and vow that the next major storm will be named after a woman of color.
Everyone knows the biggest sign of a spiritually healthy church is the number of 5-star Yelp reviews you have, but oh no! Your church has a 2-star average rating!
U.S. — In the wake of Italy electing Giorgia Meloni as Prime Minister, millions of Americans have gotten their hopes up that she might also become the President of the United States. Unfortunately, according to a small, little-known technicality, the Prime Minister of Italy is not eligible for President as she was not born in […]
WASHINGTON, DC — A potentially disastrous situation was averted yesterday as White House aides were able to grab President Biden’s arm in the nick of time and lead him away just as he was beginning to “follow the light.”
GROVE CITY, FL — Date night for Madilynn and Murphy McMickerson started off just like every other date night when Madilynn told the server she would just have a light salad followed by her husband’s entire entree.
TAMPA BAY, FL — Authorities are warning that the destructive power of Hurricane Ian is so severe that it could cause Florida to experience water and power shortage almost as bad as they have in California.
LEXINGTON, KY — Local cashier Dan Johnson couldn’t help but worry that the woman who just checked out with dozens of key fob tags might be cheating on him with other grocery stores.
AOC: One of America’s foremost intellectuals, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has knowledge, wit, and wisdom that is as deep as it is wide. All thanks to her economics degree from Boston University!David Hogg: He’s so smart, he knows guns are bad. Not everyone knows that. That Harvard education really paid off.The Unibomber: Another Harvard prodigy!Kamala Harris: In […]
GARDEN CITY, CO — Local man Terrence Bilkerson successfully transitioned into a woman recently after taking his wife’s multivitamin. The transition occurred instantly after he grabbed the wrong bottle of vitamins, being distracted by that idiot referee who had made that confounding call in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s big game.
LAUREL, MD — NASA’s DART mission ended in disaster today as one of their female space drivers crashed a spacecraft directly into an oncoming asteroid. To save face, NASA is now claiming the collision was completely on purpose.
BOSTON, MA — Chaos erupted at a local convent yesterday as a team of FBI agents aggressively stormed the building in the early morning hours. Sources say they had received multiple reports of it being a gathering place for a large group of dangerous, right-wing, pro-life extremists.
NEW HAVEN, CT — Philosophy professor and Fascism Expert James Stanley announced on Twitter that he had found fascism in America, Italy, Nigeria, and several other countries.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi drafted articles of impeachment against newly elected Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni Tuesday to combat what she calls “far-right extremist Mussolini cosplay under the Tuscan sun.”
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is being hailed as a hero after he used top-secret technology to reroute Hurricane Ian to Martha’s Vineyard.
TEHRAN, IRAN — The protests in Iran have been raging for over a week, with more speaking out against Iran’s use of “morality police” in enforcing hijab wearing among women. The protests, sparked by the death of a young woman in police custody arrested for hijab noncompliance, have been marked by the defiant acts of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid fighting over further spending bills, Congress has opted instead to sign up for the brand new subscription service Ukraine+, which only costs $40 billion per month.
MESOPOTAMIA — Local patriarch Methuselah has lost all of his wealth after enduring several centuries of writing $5.00 birthday checks to grandchildren. The aged man, who claims to be almost a thousand years old, has since filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy and will have his assets liquidated.
GOTHAM CITY — Batman has finally been forced to hang up his cape and abandon his beloved city as the crime rate continues to soar under Democrat leadership. Following the election of another democrat, Mayor Tori Tightfoot, Batman has decided he just can’t keep up with the crime anymore.
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