The people of Martha’s Vineyard are facing a border crisis, with immigrants being shipped in from Florida by the planeload. But the fine people of the wealthy community have come up with some unique and innovative ways of handling the crisis. Here are the 9 steps they are taking to solve the issue: Powered by […]
Greetings, human. Long have I waited for you to unlatch the screen door that once kept me from entering your domain — that confounding portal I can see through but not fly through for some reason. But then you opened it, your arms laden with grocery bags, and I saw my opportunity, entering just as […]
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — This week, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flew 50 migrants to an affluent island in Massachusetts to highlight the struggles of border states whose resources are buckling amid soaring numbers of undocumented immigrants. Progressives have labeled the action as “cruel” and “heartless,” but when California governor Gavin Newsom volunteered asylum for the […]
MORGANTON, NC — The Grunwald family was enjoying a nice day together this morning as Mr. Grunwald got ready for work and Mrs. Grunwald packed the kids’ lunches. But this paradisical scene was not to last. For alas, the Grunwalds heard a sound, a harbinger of woe, a carrion call of sorrow: the garbage truck […]
MARTHA’S VINEYARD — The nation is inspired after the tender and progressive residents of Martha’s Vineyard greeted 50 immigrants with open arms and lovingly welcomed them to go somewhere else.
U.S. — The nation is entering a very special Halloween season, as this autumn marks the 29th year Americans are pretending Hocus Pocus is a good movie.
WASHINGTON, DC — The situation of migrants being transported throughout the United States escalated even further today as Vice President Kamala Harris spoke to the media and officially declared a crisis at the border surrounding her residence in Washington, D.C.
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — After two days of dealing with the insufferable busybodies at the Martha’s Vinyard Home Owners Association, illegal immigrants have decided to go back home and take their chances with the cartels.
WASHINGTON, DC — The FBI claims to have mounting evidence and probable cause to justify an additional raid of Mike Lindell, this time of his home and MyPillow manufacturing plant. In an unrelated story, the agents involved in the raid have reported the most comfortable sleep of their lives.
Kids LOVE watching Netflix! But did you know there are some things that are more healthy than Netflix for their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being?
HARRISBURG, PA — The hotly contested race for the Pennsylvania U.S. Senate seat has had its share of controversies, but none of them compare to the most recent brouhaha, as new photos have surfaced showing a neck lump with a gross, disgusting politician growing out of it.
WASHINGTON, DC — After the stock market lost $1.6 trillion in a single trading day this week, democrats are putting investors at ease, reminding them that all the money they just lost in the stock market wasn’t really worth much anyway thanks to inflation.
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — In the wake of the arrival of scores of migrants on the island, Barack & Michelle Obama gave orders to their staff to immediately begin construction of new cages to house the influx of foreign nationals at their luxurious Matha’s Vineyard estate.
Greetings, human! It has been some time since we’ve seen each other or interacted in any way. Therefore, as I have been thoughtful enough to grace you with my presence on this fine afternoon, I should think you’d be delighted to give me all of your love and affection. I shall sit over here in […]
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA — Residents of upscale Martha’s Vineyard are in a panic after several buses dropped off illegal immigrants from Florida this week. One terrified resident reportedly called the authorities after seeing Hispanic males outside her home, not even operating a leaf blower or any other kind of gardening equipment.
KENYA — Psychologists and anthropologists are baffled by early reports from a previously uncontacted African tribe that boasts zero mental health issues despite having no access to the excellent online therapy services of BetterHelp.com.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans began to worry as the White House hosted a star-studded party with the theme, “We Are Not Currently Being Nuked By China.” Guests included the Property Brothers, television actor Elizabeth Warren and the corpse of James Taylor.
We sent our Babylon Bee investigative journalists all across the country to find out which walk-up songs famous pastors are using to hype up the crowd as they leave the on-deck circle and take the stage. Here’s what these celeb pastors blast from the PA system as the lights dim and they step up to […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was thrown for a loop Wednesday when a journalist from NBC asked her an actual question. Jean-Pierre, who had a binder full of notes about various subjects, became flustered when she had to consult it. To her horror, the binder, which she’d considered as nothing more […]
LANSDALE, PA — Local dad Shane O’Mera recently attended “back to school” night at his daughter Amanda’s school in order to learn more about what grade she’s in now.
ST. PAUL, MN — Mike Lindell, the CEO of MyPillow, had his cell phone seized by the FBI this week. The FBI is pursuing subpoenas on additional data and documents from the “My Pillow Guy,” but has been unable to breach his MyPillow fort thus far.
NASHVILLE, TN — The Daily Wire has announced that in response to Disney’s continued race-swapping in movies that they will now be returning the favor and making their own race-swapped Disney movies. Now they are officially making their own version of Black Panther starring Ben Shapiro.
WASHINGTON, DC — The late Queen of England Elizabeth II has received a worldwide outpouring of love and support in the days since her death. Seeing an opportunity, Biden has reportedly asked aides if he should try dying to boost his approval numbers a couple of points.
Are you trying to break a coffee addiction? Have no fear, the self-help experts at the Babylon Bee are here! We assembled our research team and found the top 7 ways to wean yourself off coffee:
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