INDEPENDENCE, MO — A local man once again showed his undying affection for his beloved dog by unleashing a torrent of hateful insults. Neighbors could hear the man shouting angrily at the faithful canine companion he attentively takes care of every day.
ISRAEL — Archaeologists, who are scientists who study old stuff, dug up an incredible find in the Holy Land earlier this week: a box of red pens purportedly used to write the words of Christ in the New Testament.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following declining viewership even amid increasingly grotesque torture devices, the production house for the Saw franchise has announced a reboot for 2023. Citing the audience’s reduced appetite for fictional mutilation, Twisted Pictures will set Jigsaw’s next outing in Boston’s Children’s Hospital and feature the psychopathic clown performing gender transition surgeries on minors. […]
CORUSCANT — After another controversial video was released showing the dark Jedi Force-choking a suspected Jedi Monday afternoon, Dark Lord of the Sith Supreme Darth Vader has been jailed on suspicion of excessive use of the Force.
HEMET, CA — Local man Jimmy Blanco spent the past six months painstakingly going over player stats, injury reports, and strategy articles as he prepped for his fantasy draft that occurred the last week of August. He showed up to the draft primed and ready, with a bound folder of printouts detailing up-to-the-minute projections for […]
It’s a tale that’s all too common for marriages these days: things seem to be going great, with love and romance in the air, when suddenly, the husband begins to withdraw. He’s more on edge, less interested in intimacy, and only perks up when someone brings up the differences between early P-51 Mustangs and the […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Jen Psaki has started her first day at a completely new job where she will be doing the exact same thing she’s always done by acting as a mouthpiece for the Biden Administration. Psaki says she’s excited to try something new while also changing nothing at all.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With inflation and consumer prices continuing to skyrocket, Democrats in Congress have proposed a brand new Inflation Reduction Act to combat the inflation brought about by the first Inflation Reduction Act.
According to Kamala Harris, America’s southern border is totally secure! Whew–that’s great news! But upon further investigation, we found 23 things that are currently more secure than the southern border.
BOSTON, MA — In a speech today, President Biden vowed to rid America of cancer. Then, at the close of his speech, he immediately kept his promise and tendered his resignation.
FRANKLIN, NH — The Swilton Creek Neighborhood Facebook Group again demonstrated its usefulness by providing a helpful warning that some teenagers were outside skateboarding.
GENEVA — In order to both prod the human population as a whole to sample alternative food sources as well as capitalize on the annual fall craze, officials at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland unveiled their plan to introduce new pumpkin spice-flavored crickets.
WASHINGTON — After weeks of unsuccessfully stoking Trump supporters towards violent action, the FBI has changed course, beginning internal discussions for executing a MAGA-style attack using FBI resources.
DEL RIO, TX — Vice President and Border Czar Kamala Harris announced this week that the southern border is “completely secure.” According to sources, she made the announcement while crowd-surfing on a massive caravan of migrants.
JACKSON, MS — Local man Derrick Gibbens has finally completed a free mobile game and is happy to report that it only took him $3000 and 800 hours of his time to beat it.
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — In an effort to escape the wrath of a weaponized federal government, supporters of former president Donald Trump are placing Biden signs in their yards with the hope that it will cause the FBI to pass over their houses.
CHARLOTTE, NC — Local housewife Shawna Coleman worked diligently all afternoon cleaning every baseboard in the house, intent that her home would look tidy if the FBI dropped in for a raid.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a touching tribute, President Biden ordered “We Will Rock You” to be played full-blast throughout the Capitol to honor the late Queen.
SANTA MONICA, CA — Two local showrunners have been tasked with adapting a beloved work of fiction into a billion-dollar show. According to sources, the pair isn’t very confident in their ability to create a worthy piece of entertainment, so they’ve hired a few people of color in prominent roles.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google has introduced a new ‘Most Ridiculous Route Imaginable’ Button to its flagship navigation app, Google Maps. The button went live to users this afternoon.
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