NEW YORK, NY — After two seasons of fighting the evils of racism through the act of painting words on fake grass, the NFL is hoping a third year of “End Racism” painted in the end zone will finally do the trick.
LOS ANGELES — Local man Davis Hoffman has decided to take his fiancée out for nice, romantic dinner lit by lightbulb light — a special treat currently unavailable in California. Sources say they enjoyed an expensive dinner in a neighboring state at a restaurant featuring working electricity.
GREENVILLE, SC — This week, local man Connor Servaprof was excited when an acquaintance at a cookout asked him what it’s like working as an accountant. Mistaking the inquiry for a genuine interest in the finer details of accounting, he began to regale the unfortunate man, failing to perceive his panic as he realized his […]
LONDON — Trade representatives in the United Kingdom were surprised to learn that the offer made by the United States to trade President Joe Biden for Queen Elizabeth II still stands, even after the Queen passed away yesterday at the age of 96.
PARIS — Scholars examining the Mona Lisa have discovered that Leonardo da Vinci most likely created the famous painting during a one-hour “Paint & Sip” event.
SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom made headlines in recent months for running campaign-style ads in Florida inviting migration to the Golden State. Amid energy shortages and blackouts, Newsom continued the onslaught this week with a new slate of ads targeting states where people are still able to turn on their TVs because their […]
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — According to sources, Hollywood actress Jennifer Lawrence is now meeting with a therapist 5 times per week to help her deal with the trauma of having conservative relatives and dreaming about Fox News hosts.
WASHINGTON, DC — A powerless figurehead world leader with no actual responsibilities is still barely clinging to life, according to sources. Family is said to be gathered at the White House as the leader’s condition is reportedly quickly declining.
NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, Hell’s Kitchen superhero Daredevil was overheard thanking God for making him go blind and saving him the horror of watching She-Hulk twerk with rap artist Megan Thee Stallion.
MONTECITO, CA — In the latest episode of her podcast Narcissists, model, TV star, fashion designer, podcaster, and princess-in-law Meghan Markle took aim at Queen Elizabeth II’s “convenient” grave illness as another aristocratic attempt to pull her from the spotlight for a few days.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After raiding President Trump’s home to ensure the security of Top-Secret documents, the FBI has immediately leaked the contents of those documents to the press so everyone would know how dangerous it was for them to be unsecured.
WASHINGTON, DC — The Washington Post headquarters saw an unexpected intrusion this week after a real-live journalist became disoriented and mistakenly entered their building.
ATLANTA, GA — Georgia Gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams sounded the alarm to her fellow 2022 candidates this morning, claiming in a press conference that the 2022 midterm elections have already been stolen.
SACRAMENTO, CA — With skyrocketing costs and grid failures across California, the Californian government is recommending everyone purchase a giant human-sized hamster wheel to generate electricity to charge their electric cars.
WASHINGTON, DC — Officials running the FBI investigation into former President Donald Trump’s possession of allegedly classified nuclear documents were sent scrambling to halt their work after learning the documents in question are actually just printed-out emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server.
MILWAUKEE, WI — Joe Biden has once again hit the campaign trail to give speeches about America’s soul and tout his credentials as a fighter for equality. During his recent speech, the President mentioned how he was very involved in the Civil Rights movement and even got to man the firehose one time. Powered by […]
MOSCOW — This week the Kremlin announced a sanction on over 25 persons, including Sean Penn and Ben Stiller. U.S. intelligence indicates that the impetus for banning Ben Stiller from the country was a special screening of Zoolander 2, which Russian intelligence officials had not yet seen.
HOUSTON, TX — Local wife Thelma Looverton has reportedly taken to using incognito mode to browse fall-scented candles. Her home currently holds 137 fall-scented candles that her husband knows about.
OVERLAND PARK, KS — The world’s leading Christian fast food chain suffered a tragedy today as the manager of a local Chick-Fil-A was apparently struck dead shortly after playing secular music in the restaurant.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom has declared a power grid emergency due to energy usage being at a 5-year high. Still, Newsom has assured everyone that they will have plenty of electricity to spare as soon as everyone leaves the state to live in Florida instead.
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