GASPARILLA ISLAND, FL — Fox News personality and host of Tucker Carlson Tonight was informed by his doctor today that his look of befuddlement is permanent. Sources close to Mr. Carlson have confirmed that he had not heeded his mother’s admonition: “If you keep making that face, you’ll get stuck with it, young man!” Powered […]
U.S. — Amazon Prime subscribers can now “enjoy” the new big-budget television series The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, delivered straight to their favorite streaming device. The show joins is the icing on the cake of junk that Amazon is currently sending to people’s homes every day.
U.S. — WNBA games are the last place on earth where a person can safely social distance, say infectious disease experts. As a result of these findings, the WNBA is enjoying a surge in its fanbase as tens of people flock to the games to get away from “germ-infested grandma killers.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After seven days refusing to explain how he will pay for the $500 billion student loan handout, President Biden finally revealed his plans to fund debt forgiveness while also combatting climate change by opening up his hand and showing the press three magic beans.
HOUSTON, TX — Governor Abbott has responded to the ongoing border crisis by bussing illegal immigrants to other parts of the country to see how they like it. The only problem is Abbott made the mistake of bussing some of them to Chicago and now everyone has now been shot.
WASHINGTON, DC — The world’s top climate change scientists were shocked by the recent discovery that the leading cause of global warming is actually an enormous, ongoing dumpster fire located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
TEMECULA, CA — After a harrowing incident with an aggressive hobo last year, local man Kevin Michaels picked up a membership at a nearby boxing gym for regular training. Sources confirm he has thrown himself into building his skills and strength, and now wouldn’t even blink if attacked by a 60-lb heavy-bag, provided he had […]
Go back, in your mind, to the worst date you have ever had. There you are, using a napkin to tie a tourniquet around your leg under the table, trying desperately to take your mind anywhere but the inescapable train wreck unfolding in front of you. That’s the closest you can come to understanding what […]
SACRAMENTO — Governor Gavin Newsom announced Wednesday that he would be requiring all cars in the state of California to be fully wind-up by 2035. Experts agree that wind-up vehicles will put less strain on the state’s weak power grid and help cut back on childhood obesity.
BOSTON, MA — According to a study by the Institute for the Advancement of Birthing Persons (the IABP), there has been a steep increase in women delaying actual birthing until they are out of college, employed, settled down, infertile, and dead.
BETHESDA, MD — With 2022 midterm elections nearing, President Biden spoke at a Maryland political rally to an audience of thousands eager to see if he was still alive. The president’s speech was not without gaffes, however, and at one point a giant shepherd’s crook slowly emerged from offstage as he began another racist story. […]
U.S. — Engineers demonstrated a brand-new federally approved voting booth Friday that will showers money on occupants when they vote Democrat. The booth is reportedly part of a planned initiative by President Joe Biden to prevent future elections from being stolen.
WASHINGTON, D.C — Rumors are swirling after multiple sightings of the recently retired Chief Medical Advisor to the President, Dr. Fauci, in the back of dark allies. Witnesses claim that Dr. Fauci has been spotted wearing a trenchcoat and trying to hawk off vaccines to anyone nearby.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. government issued a statement vowing to find out who was responsible for giving out all of these predatory U.S. government loans that have caused so much financial harm to hard-working Americans.
U.S. — President Joe Biden was recently allowed out of his basement to give the American people an important, and timely message that they have no hope of overthrowing the government without any F-15s. The President insisted this, despite less than 2 years ago by his own account the government was in fact overthrown by […]
SALEM, OR — Foothill Unified School District has expelled student Casey Whitman after she hatefully held up a mirror to her teacher, Mx. Jen Littleton, reflecting Littleton’s deranged rant on gender identity, pronouns, and sex changes.
LILY CREEK, MI — Local man Frank Quincy is 33 years old but still pictures every character in the Bible as a talking vegetable, sources close to the man confirmed earlier this week.
Worried about your kids growing up to be Nazis? Plan some quality time with your family that will reinforce progressive ideas and cast aside the oppressive hands of the patriarchy!
SACRAMENTO, CA — California made headlines this week when the World Trade Organization confirmed that the state has a new chief export: residents moving to other states to seek a better life.
BALTIMORE, MD — Local PC Technician Todd Manfroy was singled out as a chump by his local community Wednesday after it was discovered he worked his way through college to avoid taking on student loan debt. As a result, the 32-year-old fool was unable to take advantage of President Biden’s recent student loan forgiveness plan. […]
NEW YORK, NY — New York Governor Kathy Hochul recently informed New York Republicans that they’re not welcome in her state. But lo, a chosen one of burnt papaya hue, Donald Trump, approached her and demanded that she let his people go. The Republicans’ punishments then worsened, with Hochul ordering that they have to make […]
LOS ANGELES — Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee Ozzy Osbourne says he is sick and tired of “freggle cong mazzer lo” and plans to exchange his fast-paced L.A. lifestyle for the peaceful green pastures of “Ghrizzah Hurgle Kroocy Breedle Boop.”
JERUSALEM — A group of young men who had just finished burying Ananias, a man stricken dead for lying to the Holy Spirit, became frustrated when they discovered they also had to bury his wife Sapphira. The men had reportedly just gotten out of the shower and put on clean clothes when they saw her […]
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