NORTH POLE — Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared live via satellite from the North Pole on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° to push back at the recent assertion by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis that he was an elf. He also expressed concern about DeSantis possibly being the abominable snowman.
CHILENO BEACH, MEXICO — According to sources, fan-favorite superhero lawyer She-Hulk continued to insist to her husband today that she is “fine”, while literally turning into a green rage monster.
BEIJING — Sources at the CIA have determined it is in the best interest of the United States that they publicize intercepted recordings of a high-profile meeting among China’s top government officers, proving that China is worried TikTok has made Americans even dumber than they intended.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On the heels of news that the Biden Administration is forgiving tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of student loan debt, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi began pushing the White House to offer the same relief to Americans with outstanding bar tabs.
GOSHEN, IN — Local father of three Kirk Watson once again exploited his children’s insatiable desire for fast food to get himself some McDonald’s, say sources.
HARVARD, MA — President Biden announced plans today to forgive $10,000 in student loan debt for anyone making less than $125k per year. In completely unrelated news, the nation’s colleges and universities announced plans to immediately raise tuition by $10,000.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Insider trading expert and husband of the Speaker of the House Paul Pelosi has pleaded guilty to a DUI charge and has been sentenced to live with Nancy Pelosi again after 5 days in prison.
U.S. — A clip from a live Q&A with the cast and crew of Amazon’s upcoming The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power television series went viral Tuesday when showrunners clarified any resemblance to the works of Tolkien was purely coincidental.
THOUSAND OAKS, CA — This week, local man Mark Swiss headed for his door but stopped short when he saw his chatty neighbor Steve lingering near the driveway. According to eyewitnesses, Swiss displayed unusual patience as he peeked through his blinds and waited for Steve to go back inside so Swiss could get into his […]
WASHINGTON, DC — In a controversial announcement, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing unveiled plans to replace Abraham Lincoln’s portrait on the five-dollar bill with one of Wyoming Congresswoman Liz Cheney.
BRYN ATHYN, PA — Pennsylvania voters are on the edge of their seats today as Senate Candidate Mehmet Oz has promised to reveal one weird trick to getting crushed in a Senate race by a violent stroke victim.
Dr. Fauci is throwing in the towel on public health like an absolute quitter. But don’t count on the good doctor to fade into obscurity. He’s just getting started on his second act.
U.S. — In a breakthrough discovery, child scientists have revealed that the most critical time of the day for hydration is after they have been tucked in and kissed goodnight.
EL PASO, TX — Discarded U-Haul trucks abandoned by Californians immigrating to Texas have been repurposed as over 600 miles of new border wall along the America/Mexico border. Governor Greg Abbott confirmed that the wall is already cutting down on illegal immigration and California immigration since they’ve refused to send trucks back to California. Powered […]
U.S. — Dr. Anthony Fauci announced his impending retirement today while millions of beagle puppies ran for cover, hid under sofas, and cowered in fear.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — CDC Director Rochelle Walensky spoke at a press briefing Monday in which she acknowledged an apparent link between those who believe in high-level government shadow conspiracies and not having myocarditis. According to the CDC’s findings, “total nutjobs” appear to be immune to the little-known heart condition, leaving experts puzzled.
WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision announced this week, the Supreme Court ruled that a Pennsylvania public restroom installer had acted with criminal intent against males who want to relieve themselves with adequate protection from chatty, curious neighbors. While the 6-3 decision solidified several guidelines for public restrooms, the nation’s highest court earned the most […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The entire world is in a panic this morning at the news that Dr. Fauci, the living embodiment of science itself, will be retiring in December. The scientific community is already announcing mass resignations now that the High Priest and the mediator between mankind and the laws of nature will be gone. […]
Ever done something so completely bizarre and embarrassing, you feel like no one else could possibly relate? After a little cajoling, we got some priests to spill the beans on the weirdest confessions they have ever heard. All of these are one hundred percent real, and one hundred percent terrifying…there are some real freaks out […]
FAYETTEVILLE, AR — Local man Alan Roddick skipped church this morning to go out for a nice brunch and spent the whole meal secretly judging all the heathens at the restaurant who don’t go to church.
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