Just when you thought the woke monster couldn’t add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are 11 woke changes coming with the release of Grand Theft Auto […]
HUNTINGTON, NY — Local woman Christine Upton listened patiently this morning to a voicemail from her boomer father, who spent the first thirty seconds carefully listing information her phone had already provided.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a year of deliberation on how to address rapid inflation and a shrinking economy, Democrats have at last landed on the bold strategy of doing the same exact things that helped land us in this mess to begin with.
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local woman Carol Hughes is being blatantly persecuted for her faith while at work. After she placed a flowery, verse-a-day calendar on her office desk earlier today, not a single person has commented on it in any way, shape, or form.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the candidate’s qualifications at assuring everyone that everything is fine even when entire rooms are burning down around him, the White House has hired the This Is Fine Dog as its new press secretary.
ATLANTA, GA — The CDC has updated its list of essential and non-essential activities during a pandemic or outbreak, adding “gay orgies” to the “essential” category.
WORLD — A tragic new study has found that the vast majority of humanity – nearly 8 billion people – are not currently playing Square Enix’s classic JRPG Chrono Trigger.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats quickly issued a redefinition of the word “loss” after getting stomped in the congressional baseball game by the Republicans, who shut out the Democrats 10-0.
As we swelter in the dog days of summer, even crotchety ol’ Grandpa Silas is starting to wonder if there might be something to this “climate change” thing after all. Well, we here at The Babylon Bee dug into the research and – to our great shock – ended up discovering ten absolutely undeniable proofs […]
FRANKLIN, TN — Dave Ramsey has been rushed to the hospital while recording his show this week after a caller revealed his family spends over $1,000 on DoorDash food delivery every month.
U.S. — The government that shut down beaches, parks, churches, schools, birthday parties, restaurants, retail shops, bars, cafes, skate parks, funerals, and hundreds of other locations, gatherings, and events across the country to slow the spread of COVID-19 announced Friday that there is “absolutely nothing we can think of” that would help slow the spread […]
FORT FARRAKHAN, CA — A U.S. Army spokesperson admitted concern today after the recent drop in recruitment numbers, despite the unveiling of the new “America Is Racist, You Should Die For It” slogan.
Apparently, the U.S. economy is in a recession right now, but who knows? We’re told by experts that recessions are bad, so it’s important to know whether you’re in one. Fortunately, our experts put together this handy flowchart to help you figure it out!
PORTLAND, OR — Local parents Cindy and Bob Conners have devised a clever plan to protect their son from gender indoctrination at school. During the first week, they are dressing up their 7-year-old son as a girl so that teachers will encourage him to challenge gender stereotypes and act like a boy.
The Biden administration came out today and announced that a recession is not a recession. This isn’t the first time the current White House has redefined words, however.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a COVID scare last week, administration staff are reassuring the country that President Biden is on the mend. According to White House coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha, the President slept well, ate his breakfast, and had a full diaper this morning.
Even with the COVID-19 restrictions lifted, Americans have been slow to return to church. Churches need to appeal to a broader, more diverse population if they hope to compete! To that end, here are some woke Sunday School songs that children and their woke parents will love:
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s GDP has fallen over the last two quarters, stoking fears of a possible recession due to the fact that America is now in a recession. When asked whether the U.S. is now in a recession, Biden answered that he wasn’t qualified to answer, as he doesn’t have a biology degree. Powered […]
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Rockstar Studios’ upcoming Grand Theft Auto 6 has already created a splash with news that it will feature the series’ first female Latina protagonist. However, gamers are reportedly wary following reports that the character constantly runs over curbs while racing through the fictional Vice City, making the game impossible to […]
Even the staunchest libertarians deserve love. So throw away the pot you only smoke out of principle and take a shower, you son of liberty! You’re going to need to put a little effort into a girl if you ever find one.
COEUR D’ALENE, ID — Local dieter Christopher Woodleburk congratulated himself on sticking to his diet routine by enjoying his 23rd consecutive cheat day.
Big Tech is cracking down! Facebook and Tik Tok have already banned the use of the word “groomer”, and this week Twitter followed suit, evidently perceiving “groomer” as a slur on the LGBTQ+ community. If you’re concerned that people who normalize sexualizing young children plan to escalate into more sinister activities, you still need a […]
CHATTANOOGA, TN — A recent report published by Apple, Inc. has confirmed what many assumed to be true since the iPhone was released in 2007: nearly all iCloud storage consists of fuzzy, out-of-focus, unidentifiable photos of the moon.
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