WASHINGTON, D.C. — The president shot back at what he called “Super Duper Ultra MAGA Turbo Titans” Monday as he claimed “you can’t be pro-insurrection and pro-American” despite being the commander in chief of a nation founded by an insurrection.
Hey man, how’s it going? Thank you for shopping with us today, we appreciate your business during these troubling times. Now if you don’t mind just go ahead and leave your debit card inserted.
BARTLESVILLE, OK — Reporters on the ground say your introverted friend is still following you around, persisting in telling and re-telling what it means to be an introvert.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pope Francis donned a traditional Cherokee Indian headdress this week in preparation for a meeting with Native American Congresswoman Elizabeth Warren.
COVINGTON, LA — With the monkeypox virus plague tearing its way through gay bathhouses and teachers’ lounges across the country, one desperate man hung a “straight pride” flag on his doorposts in hopes that the plague will pass over his household.
GENEVA — A panel of Bible scholars has issued a joint statement about what the afterlife holds for unbelieving introverts. The international panel of academics has confirmed that instead of hell, unsaved wallflowers will be sent to an eternal business networking event.
PORTLAND, OR — A recent poll suggests 90% of teachers are worried their gay students may regress and turn straight over summer break. Most students had embraced their queer identities after being immersed in queerness around the clock for the entire school year. Now, those students are trapped with their bigoted, traditional parents who may […]
U.S. — Thousands upon thousands of fans have come together in celebration that their beloved franchise is finally being adapted into a live-action series. Unfortunately, they all forgot it’s the year 2022, and they don’t make them how they used to.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has just signed a bill into law prohibiting everyone in America from using the word “recession.” The Economic Integrity Protection Act — also known as the “Don’t Say Recession” bill — now threatens to punish any American with the full force of the law for simply uttering the word […]
RENO, NV — Local woman Catherine Mayfield displayed her Christlike love for all parking spaces by driving past the other 99 perfectly good spots in search of the one closer to the front that is most likely already taken.
PALM BEACH, FL — This week, former President Donald Trump called on Congress to propose and ratify a 28th amendment to the constitution. The amendment would allow for him to serve as his own Vice President if re-elected President in 2024.
U.S. — The nation’s leading scientists unveiled a new periodic table of genders to help everyone keep track of the evolving gender spectrum. Experts are recommending the table be rolled out to schools across the nation and added to each state’s curriculum for grades 9-12.
NASHVILLE, TN — Former Vice President and climate activist Al Gore has had trouble in recent years getting people to listen to his dire warnings about the coming climate apocalypse. In a last-ditch effort to make people notice him again, he is now touring the country dressed as a teenage girl from Sweden. Powered by […]
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Thousands of women around the country are being forced to face a terrifying new reality in which they actually have to use one of the dozens of cheap, readily available methods of birth control In post-Roe America.
WACO, TX — After a steady exodus of people fleeing to Texas to escape oppression under Governor Gavin Newsom’s rule, there has been a sudden outcry for a return to the ‘coastal paradise’ amid rising temperatures in the Lone Star State.
SHREVEPORT, LA — During a meeting about an “exciting opportunity”, Emily Levin became progressively more anxious as her old high-school friend Taylor Selick continued to assure her that this work-from-home business was not, in fact, a pyramid scheme.
CUPERTINO, CA — Humble PC technician Crisanto Peralta at Future Products Inc. was disheartened Thursday when he fixed the laptops of ten employees, but only one returned to say thank you.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the first round of January 6th hearings coming to a close, Representatives Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney are feeling great about their audition to become MSNBC anchors.
The January 6th hearings ended in epic fashion, with America finally learning that Senator Josh Hawley runs like a total girl. Still, we came away from season one with several unanswered questions:
SHREVEPORT, LA — Plans for a relaxing date night were dashed upon the rocks of parenthood Thursday when Sam and Jen Goldwind witnessed 2-year-old Daenerys vomit just five minutes before leaving. Early reports indicate that the child had patiently waited to vomit until precisely the right moment in a ruse to keep her parents home. […]
Behold: the latest book in the illustrious Babylon Bee Guide series, The Babylon Bee Guide to Democracy! This bad boy comes out September 6, but you can preorder it now on Amazon or right here in The Babylon Bee Store!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden released a short video message to the American people in which he vowed to power through his mild Coronavirus symptoms and continue ruining the country over Zoom.
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