News From The Babylon Bee, Page 290
SATIRE – First 12 Things Trump Will Do When He Inevitably Returns To Power
The Babylon Bee - Jul 7th 2022 1:06pm EDT
SATIRE – Study Finds 92% Of Californians Who Flee The State Don’t Survive First Winter
The Babylon Bee - Jul 7th 2022 1:00pm EDT
SATIRE – In Attempt To Bring Back Audiences, Disney Recuts ‘Lightyear’ To Add Some Minions
The Babylon Bee - Jul 6th 2022 8:16pm EDTBURBANK, CA — After Disney’s Lightyear disappointed at the box office, failing to earn as much in three weeks as Minions: The Rise of Gru earned in one weekend, Disney announced they are releasing a new cut of Lightyear into theaters — this time with minions added.
SATIRE – ‘Pro-Lifers Are Inhumane,’ Says Woman Who Calls Unborn Babies ‘Parasites’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 6th 2022 6:39pm EDTSEATTLE, WA — According to sources, a local woman who calls unborn babies “parasites” has condemned pro-life people for being inhumane.
SATIRE – Fox Searchlight Asks Everyone To Send In Their DVD Copies Of ‘Juno’ So They Can Update Ellen Page’s Name
The Babylon Bee - Jul 6th 2022 4:56pm EDTCENTURY CITY, CA — Fox Searchlight Pictures is asking its customers to return copies of its 2007 sleeper hit Juno after it was discovered that old DVD copies falsely attribute the starring role to an Ellen Page, who sources say has never existed. Beloved male actor Elliot Page, the movie’s actual star, has voiced support […]
SATIRE – Whistleblower Releases Zuckerberg’s 1,400-Page Manual On How To Appear Human
The Babylon Bee - Jul 6th 2022 4:12pm EDTMENLO PARK, CA — A whistleblower inside Facebook publicly released a 1,400-page internal document trying to explain to Mark Zuckerberg how to appear human.
SATIRE – Going To College? Here’s What You Need To Pack For The Fall Semester In Order To Survive
The Babylon Bee - Jul 6th 2022 3:48pm EDTAre you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You’ll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that’s in store for you.
SATIRE – Hollywood Actresses Warn That If Abortion Rights Are Taken Away, They Will Have To Pay For Expensive Nannies To Watch Their Kids While They Attend Award Shows
The Babylon Bee - Jul 6th 2022 1:30pm EDTHOLLYWOOD HILLS, CA — Hollywood actresses are sounding the alarm over the undoing of Roe v. Wade, warning that if their right to abortion is stripped away they may have to hire expensive nannies to watch their unwanted children while they attend award shows.
SATIRE – Husband Picks Up A Few Steaks To Ruin For Dinner
The Babylon Bee - Jul 6th 2022 1:14pm EDTFALLBROOK, CA — Local husband and father Hank Parsons stopped by the grocery store today on the way home “to pick up a few steaks to ruin for dinner,” sources at the Parsons household confirmed.
SATIRE – Can You Spot All The Signs Of Racism In This Patriotic Picture?
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 9:41pm EDTRacism is everywhere — especially on July 4th! To be a good anti-racist, you must train yourself to see racism everywhere and then loudly and obnoxiously point it out to everyone you meet.
SATIRE – ‘Land Of The Free!’ Cheers Local Man Who Pays 39% Of His Annual Income In Federal Taxes
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 7:27pm EDTGURNEE, IL — Local man Bob Bean, who pays 39% of his income to the Federal Government, celebrated his status as a free man living in America this weekend.
SATIRE – Dutch Government Announces Plan To Defeat Climate Change By Outlawing Food
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 5:56pm EDTTHE HAGUE — In an unprecedented move to curb emissions and save the planet, the Dutch government has outlawed food. Farmers are being warned to stop producing planet-killing meat and vegetables before it’s too late for Mother Earth to recover.
SATIRE – Mark Hamill Laments That Luke Skywalker Was Adopted By His Aunt And Uncle Instead Of Aborted
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 4:36pm EDTMALIBU, CA — After Roe v. Wade was overturned, actor Mark Hamill took to Twitter to angrily condemn the decision — as well as people who adopt children like the Star Wars characters Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
SATIRE – Awesome: Heaven Announces VBS Volunteers Will Receive Bonus Tesla Upon Arrival
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 3:14pm EDTHEAVEN — According to sources within the heavenly realm, the promised reward of a mansion for all believers will be augmented for VBS volunteers with the gift of a brand new, perfect Tesla upon arrival.
SATIRE – Democrats Proudly Introduce The ‘Raise Gas Prices Even Higher And Make More Kids Trans’ Bill
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 2:12pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — With midterm elections fast approaching, Democrats are rushing to pass key elements of their legislative agenda before they’re voted out of office in November. To serve that goal, Democrats proudly unveiled the “Raise Gas Prices Even Higher And Make More Kids Trans” bill on the steps of the Capitol this morning. Powered […]
SATIRE – Biden Calls On Pollsters To Raise His Approval Rating
The Babylon Bee - Jul 5th 2022 1:45pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a passionate speech in which he begged gas stations across the country to lower gas prices, Biden ended with a plea to pollsters, asking them to raise his approval rating.
SATIRE – Unborn Babies Celebrate First Independence Day Since 1972
The Babylon Bee - Jul 4th 2022 7:12pm EDTU.S. — For the first time since 1972, pre-born babies are celebrating Independence Day as their human rights have finally been recognized in several states. According to sources, future doctors, explorers, artists, inventors, mothers, and fathers are currently in utero celebrating the July 4th festivities with their fellow human beings. Historians believe this day will […]
SATIRE – British Parliament Forms July 4 Commission To Investigate Colonial Insurrection
The Babylon Bee - Jul 4th 2022 1:08pm EDTLONDON — The British parliament has convened for an emergency session to investigate the events of July 4th, 1776 in the colonies across the Atlantic. Sources indicate an illegal insurrection took place there that cost many lives.
SATIRE – DoorDash Introduces Premium DoorDash+ Service Where They Will Actually Attempt To Get Your Order Right
The Babylon Bee - Jul 3rd 2022 2:10pm EDTSAN FRANCISCO, CA — DoorDash announced the launch of a new premium service DoorDash+, where they will at least make a small effort to get your order correct.
SATIRE – Adam And Eve Claim Getting Kicked Out Of Eden Was Due To Cancel Culture
The Babylon Bee - Jul 3rd 2022 2:10pm EDTGARDEN OF EDEN — Fresh off being banished from paradise, Adam and Eve are blaming cancel culture for their sudden expulsion.
SATIRE – Dick Cheney Thrilled To No Longer Be Least Likable Cheney
The Babylon Bee - Jul 3rd 2022 12:46pm EDT
Disaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat SheetREAD: https://babylonbee.com/news/disaster-after-impr…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 2nd 2022 3:52pm EDTDisaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat Sheet READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/disaster-after-impractical-jokers-get-a-hold-of-bidens-cheat-sheet/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee Disaster After Impractical Jokers Get A Hold Of Biden’s Cheat Sheet WASHINGTON, D.C. — The famed Impractical Jokers comedy quartet managed to get access to President Biden’s cheat sheet today, quickly plunging the nation […]
Woman Starting To Think Company Offering To Kill Her Kid Doesn’t Have Her Best Interests At HeartREAD: https://babylonbe…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 2nd 2022 2:52pm EDTWoman Starting To Think Company Offering To Kill Her Kid Doesn’t Have Her Best Interests At Heart READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-starting-to-think-company-offering-to-kill-her-kid-doesnt-have-her-best-interests-at-heart/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee Woman Starting To Think Company Offering To Kill Her Kid Doesn’t Have Her Best Interests At Heart SEATTLE, WA — Amazon employee Emily Thomas began to wonder this […]
R. Kelly Released After Revealing He Was Just One Of Ghislaine Maxwell’s ClientsREAD: https://babylonbee.com/news/r-kell…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 2nd 2022 12:52pm EDTR. Kelly Released After Revealing He Was Just One Of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Clients READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/r-kelly-released-after-revealing-he-was-just-one-of-ghislaine-maxwells-clients/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee R. Kelly Released After Revealing He Was Just One Of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Clients NEW YORK, NY — Just days after being sentenced to 30 years in prison, R. Kelly walked free this […]
Good Morning America Posts Tweet Celebrating Joe Biden As First White, Male PresidentREAD: https://babylonbee.com/news/g…
The Babylon Bee - Jul 1st 2022 7:52pm EDTGood Morning America Posts Tweet Celebrating Joe Biden As First White, Male President READ: https://babylonbee.com/news/good-morning-america-posts-tweet-celebrating-joe-biden-as-first-white-male-president/?utm_source=telegram&utm_medium=link&utm_campaign=telegram @TheBabylonBee | Download Our App The Babylon Bee Good Morning America Posts Tweet Celebrating Joe Biden As First White, Male President NEW YORK, NY — The acclaimed morning TV show Good Morning America recognized a significant moment in American history […]
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