WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ilhan Omar was arrested by Capitol Police at an abortion rally yesterday. According to sources, she has used her prison phone call to contact both her husband and her brother.
SELLERSVILLE, PA — Safety officials have confirmed that the rickety-looking, collapsible roller coaster at your local town carnival, which is currently being operated by a toothless meth addict, is probably fine.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After hearing about Alex Stein’s public applauding of Hispanic hindquarters, Senator Ted Cruz walked back and forth in front of him today, hoping to score a compliment on his own butt.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a heroic protest at the Supreme Court, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spent the better part of three hours sitting in an invisible police car with her wrists bound by invisible handcuffs, waiting to be taken to an invisible jail.
BISMARCK, ND — After seeing President Biden travel to Saudi Arabia to beg for more oil, North Dakota decided to assassinate and dismember a journalist so the president would let them drill for oil.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Fauci announced this week he will be retiring at the end of Biden’s term as president. To recognize Dr. Fauci for his valiant service to the country, the Biden Administration will honor the outgoing COVID Czar with a 21-booster shot salute.
GLENDALE, CA — This week, Kurt Ivanson of Point Of Faith Tabernacle warned the congregation that his next song would be an original. The congregation has reported bracing for a very painful 7 to 10 minutes.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Public Radio faced criticism last week following the announcement of a Disinformation Reporting Team but was quick to clarify that its role is to spread more disinformation rather than prevent it.
SAN JOSE, CA — According to whispered reports coming from the break room, the coworker standing at his desk obviously just hasn’t learned about chairs yet.
TWITTER — After centuries of dispute amongst the greatest theological minds in history, the puzzle of free will and predestination was suddenly solved last night through a debate on Twitter.
U.S. — The results of a new study conducted by NBC News found that 97% of female viewers who tune into episodes of Dateline are researching how to kill their husbands. Producers of the long-running news program, known for its true crime documentaries and investigative reporting, are reportedly “uneasy” about the results of the study. […]
UVALDE, TX — After an armed private citizen bravely stopped a mass shooting at an Indiana mall, the Uvalde Police Department in Texas issued a statement of condemnation, criticizing the citizen for not waiting outside for an hour.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hunter Biden’s iCloud account was hacked by 4chan users revealing all his personal texts, contacts as well as pictures and videos. In the fallout, truly shocking images of Hunter Biden are now being seen by the public — including photos of Hunter fully clothed and not smoking crack.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning display of unbridled racism and cruelty, D.C. Mayor Bowser stated on Face The Nation that immigrants are not welcome in her city.
OCEAN CITY, NJ — Authorities doing a survey on beachgoer bathroom habits noted that none of the 20,000 people visiting the beach last weekend left once to use the bathroom. The survey team had been performing the study to see whether they should install public restrooms on the vacation town’s beaches.
The Babylon Bee crew made an appearance at FreedomFest in Las Vegas this weekend. And as the old saying goes, what happens in Vegas gets posted in the premium section for subscribers, so here goes:
LOUISVILLE, KY — Fake and deceitful nurses inside the local crisis pregnancy center have reportedly just tricked another innocent woman into not killing her own baby.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move this morning to address the nation’s financial woes, President Biden has officially called on the American economy to stop being bad.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Campbell’s Biology Textbook, 11th Edition, was arrested on the charge of inciting violence after it repeatedly insisted that only women can get pregnant.
NEW HAVEN, CT — Freshly transitioned to a woman, Leslie Roberson tasted the sweet thrill of womanhood this morning as she absolutely smashed his car into a curb.
THE INTERNET — Humanity’s suspicions were finally confirmed today, as the password bot has confessed to sometimes saying “incorrect password” on the first try just to mess with people.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT