ST. LOUIS, MO — After hearing another cry to the Almighty over a broken McDonald’s ice cream machine, the Lord sent an angel to reassure believers that in Christ’s Kingdom the machines will at least work the majority of the time.
BABYLON BEE HEADQUARTERS — We here at the Babylon Bee have been deeply saddened over the past days to see such mean-spirited criticism of our favorite institution of American government, the dearly beloved Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Women are such unbelievably mysterious creatures, trying to figure out when one is mad at you can be, well, maddening! To help, we at the Babylon Bee have collected these very subtle clues to help men know when trouble is afoot.
BOSTON, MA — In light of so-called “gender affirming care” making the Hippocratic Oath silly and outdated, Harvard Medical School has officially adopted the new oath “Mutilate Kids For Money.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly released search warrant of Mar-a-Lago claims that Trump had recently aquired all six infinity stones and was keeping them on a fully assembled infinity gauntlet in his closet.
NEW YORK, NY — After 20 years at CNN, Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin has decided to part ways with the news organization to expose himself to new audiences.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez disputed claims of Republicans who claim the U.S. has devolved into a banana republic following the raid on former President Trump’s Florida residence, saying that America is more like a Forever 21.
WORLD — Scholars have finally confirmed that it’s not necessary to say a blessing for pre-meal chips and salsa, as they were already blessed in eternity past before the foundations of the world.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many Americans up in arms over the unprecedented raid of former President Trump’s residence in Mar-a-Lago by the FBI, Attorney General Garland released a statement to assure everyone the raid was completely justified. Eyewitnesses noted he looked unusually fetching in an elegant Dolce & Gabanna evening gown and a Dior sun […]
BANGOR, ME — Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden fired FBI Director Christopher Wray Friday and appointed a new director that he hopes will restore American trust in the organization. Burt Macklin, a 20-year veteran of the bureau, will take command immediately.
LAS VEGAS, NV — The FBI raided the home of Nicholas Cage in the early morning hours Friday after an anonymous tip that he had stolen the Declaration of Independence.
MEMPHIS, TN — According to sources, local dad Trey Marson is historically known by his kids as the most hilarious, fun, smart dad on earth. Unfortunately, he recently announced his son’s 14th birthday — marking his transition into a totally lame and boring moron.
SANTA MONICA, CA — Activision Blizzard introduced the world to its latest entry in the Call of Duty franchise, entitled Call of Duty: IRS Auditor. Developed by Treyarch Studios, IRS Auditor will take gamers on an epic adventure full of national warfare, political intrigue, and violent accounting.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — New reports from Mar-a-Lago indicate that during Monday’s raid, FBI agents searching the house ran quickly to see the safe only to find it empty with an angel of the Lord standing beside it. According to eyewitnesses, the FBI agents trembled and became as dead men.
President Biden just solved the economy by creating thousands of IRS jobs! We know you’ve always dreamed of working for the IRS, but do you have what it takes?
NEW YORK, NY — Former President Donald Trump avoided incriminating himself in a deposition with New York A.G. Letitia James by pleading the fifth amendment right to remain silent. Sources confirm that the plea was entered by Trump’s legal team while Trump was tied up in a nearby corner attempting to remove duct tape from […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has vetoed the Inflation Reduction Act even before it could be passed by the House, explaining that there was no need for it since inflation was already at 0%.
U.S. — FBI Director Christopher Wray has come under criticism for his raiding of former President Trump’s residence. He responded this morning by announcing that all who criticize the FBI’s raid will have their own homes raided as well.
U.S. — A new report is predicting a 0% unemployment rate by the year 2026, as every American will be working for the IRS and be hard at work auditing other American citizens who work for the IRS.
ROYAL OAK, MI — Local Dad Jeff Francis is widely known as a loving and devoted father, but some sources indicate he struggles with the details when it comes to his four sons. Jeff’s wife Rebecca provides helpful reminders about their children’s birthdays, hair color, and names, but Rebecca still reports that Jeff only loosely […]
PALM BEACH, FL — Federal agents left empty-handed following a raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate. Sources say Trump cleverly hid his cache of classified documents in plain sight by labeling them “Epstein’s Client List.”
