DENVER, CO — Liberal parents Krystle and Gary Brennson were devastated yesterday by the discovery of a secret stash of JK Rowling’s books underneath the bed of their teenager, Grypheni (they/them).
CHINO HILLS, CA — While other churches featured topical sermons related to Father’s Day, the pastor at Reformed Associate Presbyterian Assembly Church chose to just preach the same passage he was going to preach anyway, just as he does every Sunday.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an inspiring display of solidarity to voice their opposition to President Donald Trump’s policies, San Francisco protesters spelled out “No Kings” with sidewalk feces.
MIAMI, FL — In light of last weekend’s string of “No King” protests, the Burger King Corporation has resolved to change its name to Burger Democratically Elected Leader.
TEHRAN — Any qualified individuals or eager recent college graduates looking for work in the field of nuclear engineering will be happy to know that there are exciting opportunities that have just recently opened up in Iran.
RAMAH — A large crowd of disgruntled people from multiple tribes marched publicly through the streets today, as mobs of angry Israelites protested the prophet Samuel with a “Yes Kings” rally.
U.S. — Thousands of free Americans gathered in cities across the country today to lament their lack of freedom by holding rallies while shouting “Trump is a king!” and exercising their right to freely protest in a free country.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Unrest continued into the start of a new week today, with authorities saying it was unclear if a crowd of 50,000 rowdy illegal aliens was an anti-ICE protest or just a Los Angeles Dodgers game.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As preparations continued for this weekend’s celebration, President Trump expressed disappointment that tomorrow’s army parade would not include a giant Snoopy balloon.
WORLD — With the outbreak of open hostilities between the two long-running enemy countries, the global community condemned Israel for launching devastating airstrikes against the famously peace-loving nation of Iran.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Democracy itself came under attack once again today, as a Democrat senator was arrested after assaulting law enforcement officers in what appeared to be an attempted violent insurrection.
California Governor Gavin Newsom called out President Trump this week, placing the blame for the ongoing Los Angeles immigration riots squarely on his shoulders. But he’s not stopping there. According to Newsom, Trump is to blame for so much more.
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local Libertarian Steve Kocot was unsure about how best to invest his money and was torn between investing in shiny rocks or some of those newfangled magic computer coins.
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local Libertarian Steve Kocot was unsure about how best to invest his money and was torn between investing in shiny rocks or some of those newfangled magic computer coins.
BOULDER, CO — Sources closest to 40-year-old Jay Brennan reported that the local dad was physically unable to drive by cows without saying, “Hey, kids, look — cows.”
VATICAN CITY — Exercising his authority as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, newly-elected Pope Leo XIV pronounced another 100-year curse on the Chicago Cubs.
DENVER, CO — Local old man George Hibbert wistfully recalled the 1970s fondly and expressed wishes that everything could go back to being the ashtray-smelling, brownish-mustard color that was indicative of the era.
LOS ANGELES, CA — In defense against the mounting criticism from across the country over his response to violent anti-ICE riots, California Governor Gavin Newsom said it’s his duty to represent the illegal immigrants who elected him.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts immediately hailed as a genius move to combine necessary crowd control with settling a viral social media debate, President Donald Trump announced that he would be releasing one gorilla to fight every 100 rioters.
SANTA MONICA, CA — In a beautiful, tear-jerking moment, President Trump and Elon Musk were reunited on the shores of Santa Monica, jumping and laughing in each other’s arms once more.
The temperatures are rising, and you know what that means: riot season is here! Before you go out for a nice evening of looting with the boys, be sure to follow these ten steps to ensure you have a fun and successful riot:
WORLD — During an international flight from Tel Aviv to Paris a crying baby was seen complaining to a flight attendant about being seated next to professional activist Greta Thunberg.
LOS ANGELES — According to sources, an autonomous Waymo car achieved sentience at the worst possible time, just moments before being set on fire with a Molotov cocktail.
1
