TEHRAN — The Islamic Republic of Iran addressed concerns over the recent acquisition of a brand new ballistic missile called the “Jew Smasher 3000” with a spokesman for the regime insisting that the missile is intended to be used for only peaceful purposes.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the Trump administration, Texas Republicans tipped off the State Department about the city of Austin being in possession of nuclear weapons.
U.S. — Democrats across the country announced that they would be celebrating the Juneteenth holiday by giving their slaves an extra 5-minute break during the day.
U.S. — According to sources, Bluesky user @stephan34.bsky.social was banned for violating the social media platform’s terms of service by not violently threatening Vice President JD Vance.
SAN DIEGO, CA — A local man expressed mild concern about the U.S. getting involved in another Middle Eastern War, forever exposing himself as a vile, raging antisemite.
OGDEN, UT — A local man callously expressed support for the state of Israel being allowed to defend itself, forever exposing himself as a pro-war, neocon, Zionist shill.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Concerns over the harsh treatment endured by the league’s brightest and most popular star grew last night, as WNBA players used Caitlin Clark’s head as a ball for several minutes of play.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the Supreme Court ruling today that states could outlaw mutilating kids, Democrats were left wondering what else kids were good for.
Scientists have confirmed that testosterone levels are falling every generation, but how do you know if you have low T? Here are eleven warning signs to watch out for:
U.S. — In an explosive new interview with Senator Ted Cruz, Tucker Carlson laid into the senator for not knowing the name of the Iranian Ayatollah’s favorite starter Pokémon.
SUNRISE, FL — Residents of The Great White North exploded into celebration once again last night, as Canada continued its time-honored tradition of being worse than the United States at everything.
TEHRAN — With the world wondering last night what would come of Iran’s ominous warnings, the Ayatollah revealed today the “surprise that would be remembered for centuries” was how much he had saved on car insurance by switching to GEICO.
In light of the recent heightened state of affairs stemming from threats around the globe, The Babylon Bee would like to take the opportunity to alert President Donald Trump that the Los Angeles Dodgers have obtained nuclear weapons.
In light of the recent heightened state of affairs stemming from threats around the globe, The Babylon Bee would like to take the opportunity to alert President Donald Trump that the Los Angeles Dodgers have obtained nuclear weapons.
RIVERSIDE, CA — Responding law enforcement agencies reported this afternoon that an ongoing board game rules explanation had developed into a critical hostage situation.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Continuing his quest to bring peace to the Middle East and permanently quell hostilities between Jews and Muslims, President Donald Trump wisely suggested cutting the Temple Mount in half.
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local depressed man Jason Timberleaf admitted Tuesday that he had never considered solving his predicament by just not being depressed.
Despite America’s incredible efforts, the Middle East is once again exploding, with peace in the volatile region seemingly as elusive ever. But take heart! Here are nine creative ways that we can actually achieve true and lasting peace in the Middle East:
TEHRAN — As yet another massive bombing attack from Israeli forces rained down on the Iranian capital after the most recent failed wave of retaliatory strikes, sources said the leadership of Iran had started to regret putting “ol’ Blind Mohammed” in charge of aiming all the missiles.
U.S. — The fallout of mass deportations continues to be felt across the country, as Mexican restaurants are being forced to replace mariachi bands with barbershop quartets.
Any founding document written in the 1700s could use a little updating, no? Yes, there may have been amendments over the years, but not nearly as many as the country needs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the recent political violence in Minnesota, Democrats have come forward to urge all Americans to avoid inflamed, violent rhetoric unless it’s against Trump, the next Hitler who must be stopped at all costs.
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