WOODSTOCK, ME — Political commentator Tucker Carlson sparked controversy this week when he welcomed Bigfoot onto his show to discuss how mind-controlling chemtrails are sprayed over the flat earth by the Jews.
OŚWIĘCIM — Jews on their way to their imminent deaths reportedly overheard a guard at the Auschwitz-Birkenau Death Camp, later identified as Maximilian Mulka, rejecting claims that he hated Jewish people, saying, “I don’t hate the Jews or anything, just Zionists.”
LAS VEGAS, NV — Following a recent performance by a legendary band of their greatest hits, fans posted online about how they couldn’t believe how much the lead singer had aged in the last 50 years.
FRANKLIN, TN — Financial consultant and radio host Dave Ramsey was reported to be in critical condition Monday after learning that President Donald Trump had begun pushing a 50-year home mortgage.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the end of the government shutdown in sight, the United States Congress was reportedly preparing to pivot from doing nothing because of the shutdown to doing nothing because they’re Congress.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bid to bring down housing costs for struggling Americans trying to afford to purchase a home, President Donald Trump unveiled a plan that would normalize the utilization of eternal mortgages.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The record-length shutdown of the federal government was finally set to reach its conclusion, as Senate Democrats agreed to end the shutdown in exchange for a 15% off coupon to Cracker Barrel.
JERUSALEM — What had been hailed as one of the wisest decisions of all time was declared null and void today, as a federal judge overturned King Solomon’s verdict and ordered a baby from a recent maternity dispute to be cut in two.
GREENSBORO, NC — A local mother and father joined the crowd gathered for another round of musical recital performances on Saturday, as their son patiently awaited his turn to butcher “Für Elise.”
NEW YORK, NY — In a reversal of yesterday’s announcement, Rockstar Games revealed that the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI is, in fact, available now. Rockstar President and co-founder Sam Houser confirmed that the game was finally completed and ready for digital download immediately — unfortunately, the trumpet of God has sounded and everyone […]
PHOENIX, AZ — New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has officially been named this year’s top U-Haul salesman, ending a record-breaking five-year streak from California Governor Gavin Newsom.
BAGHDAD — Following the death of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, Iraqi government officials finally admitted they actually did have weapons of mass destruction this whole time.
KANSAS CITY, MO — With the conclusion of the World Series, the Major League Baseball season had officially come to an end, leaving one local man looking forward to being sorely disappointed by his favorite team’s offseason moves.
NEW YORK, NY — In a celebratory speech following his historic win in New York City’s mayoral election, Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani promised residents that there was no problem too large for government to make worse.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Norman Shelby, an air traffic controller who works out of LAX, reportedly coped with his missing paycheck as a result of the government shutdown by deliberately sending planes to Duluth, Minnesota, for laughs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the announcement that she was finally retiring from the U.S. Congress and would not seek reelection in 2026, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi prepared herself for a sad future of outsider trading.
Ladies, sometimes you just have to tell your husband a really long, meandering story involving people he doesn’t really know doing things that don’t pertain to him. The important thing is knowing when is the right time to do it.
MCDONALDLAND — Beloved politician and civil servant Mayor McCheese has won reelection as Mayor of McDonaldland for an astounding 60th consecutive term.
PINE BLUFF, AR — In what psychiatrists said can only be described as a true miracle, a man’s depression was once again cured by watching Samwise Gamgee’s famous speech from the end of The Two Towers, in which Sam encourages the despairing Frodo to keep holding on.
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