PINE BLUFF, AR — In what psychiatrists said can only be described as a true miracle, a man’s depression was once again cured by watching Samwise Gamgee’s famous speech from the end of The Two Towers, in which Sam encourages the despairing Frodo to keep holding on.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the city’s election of an avowed and unrepentant socialist, the U.S. State Department issued an immediate and urgent travel advisory for New York City.
REDMOND, WA — Experts at the DigiPen Institute of Technology confirmed what many have long suspected: the greatest video game of all time is BurgerTime.
RICHMOND, VA — As part of his staff’s afterparty after winning election as Virginia’s next Attorney General, Jay Jones’s campaign sent out a celebratory text message threatening to kill everyone’s children.
NEW YORK, NY — In the wake of his overwhelming election win that signalled a dramatic political shift in the United States, New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani was reportedly horrified to wake up this morning and discover that he now had a job.
U.S. — You can rest assured that the decision you made was the correct one, as the doctor who just handed you a bill for $450,000 has also informed you that opting for surgery rather than other potential remedies was in your best interests.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — The elderly Jewish community is reportedly at a crossroads this Election Day, torn between a man who would kill them for being Jewish and a man who would kill them for being elderly.
NEW YORK, NY — As residents of the Big Apple made their way to the polls today, New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani preemptively announced plans to blame racism after his policies fail.
U.S. — With SNAP funding temporarily blocked, beneficiaries of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program are reportedly wishing there were some way to trade their labor and services for money to buy food.
BUFFALO, NY — During a recent podcast appearance with Travis Kelce, Taylor Swift asked the Kansas City Chiefs tight end how he had done in the World Series last night.
LOS ANGELES, CA — In celebration of a historic weekend that brought excitement and joy to the entire city, crowds gathered downtown as Los Angeles hosted yet another flamboyant Pride parade.
YELWATA — In a last-ditch effort to survive, Christians in Nigeria disguised themselves as Palestinians in hopes that people around the world would suddenly care about them being genocided.
WASHINGTON, DC — Donald Trump received an email from the President of Nigeria with a commitment to end the genocide against Christians if Trump agrees to send him $5,000 in Amazon gift cards.
U.S. — According to sources, the hidden upper echelon embedded in the United States government once again reveled in victory as it cast the nation into darkness at 4:30 p.m., like it does every year.
TORONTO — Following the team’s devastating loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers in Game 7 of the 2025 World Series, the Canadian government announced that it had ordered the players from the Toronto Blue Jays to be euthanized.
KANSAS CITY, MO — Tragedy struck in a local barbershop today, as a man realized just 45 seconds into getting his haircut that he had already run out of all conversation topics.
NEW YORK, NY — As the New York City mayoral race entered its final stretch before Tuesday’s election, leading candidate Zohran Mamdani sought to broaden his appeal with undecided voters by promising to establish rent-free gulags throughout the city in which he would graciously imprison his political opponents and also everyone else.
U.S. — Mere weeks after bringing about a much-heralded ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, President Donald Trump pulled off yet another historic treaty by successfully negotiating a peace deal between proponents of the contemporary service and adherents to the traditional service.
HADDONFIELD, NJ — Reports coming in on Halloween indicated that one 17-year-old trick-or-treater had been sighted making the rounds early in the afternoon dressed up as a 17-year-old wearing a hoodie.
CHICAGO, IL — In a new television special, survivalist icon and TV host Bear Grylls was set to embark on his most daring survival challenge yet as he attempts to survive a weekend in Chicago.
U.S. — Americans all over the country celebrated the news that the national nightmare that had lasted for generations was finally over, as the United States Supreme Court outlawed candy corn.
GALILEE — A local family rejoiced after a wayward son returned in repentance to his father, though subsequent reports claimed that this was because he just ran out of SNAP benefits.
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