MACON, GA — Local man John Gardener expressed longing this week for a simpler, better time before his grandmother learned how to use emojis in texts and social media posts.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic lawmakers quietly admitted on Friday that they can’t seem to remember why they shut down the government in the first place.
GYEONGJU — Trade negotiations between the U.S. and China reached a much-needed breakthrough on Thursday, as Chinese President Xi Jinping agreed to drop all tariffs after President Donald Trump showed him how to use chopsticks to become a walrus.
SEATTLE, WA — In a cruel twist of fate, local boy Steven Brent actually has an uncle who works at Nintendo, but no one will believe him because of the popular meme.
U.S. — For the first time since 1992, the United States planned to resume nuclear weapons testing. President Donald Trump ordered the Pentagon to resume tests immediately and to “get the guys from Dude Perfect” to do it.
GOTHAM CITY — A foolish thief found himself in the hospital recovering from a dislocated shoulder, a fractured wrist, three broken ribs, and a shattered pelvis after foolishly trying to rob a bank in the same city where Batman lives.
TORONTO — The stakes for the final two games of the Major League Baseball season grew even higher this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he would grant Canada independence if the Blue Jays won the World Series.
BORGER, TX — Rebellious four-year-old Brayden Wheeler defied millennia of norms and convention this morning as instead of going down the slide at the playground, he climbed up.
Watching or reading the news can be tricky these days. Learning the straight facts without knowing if it’s being spun in a specific direction to fit a narrative is more difficult now than ever before. But how can you tell if your news source is biased?
NEW YORK, NY — According to reports from top intelligence agencies, Al-Qaeda is activating its terrorist sleeper cells to help get out the vote for Zohran Mamdani.
BRONIX, NY — According to witnesses at the scene, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst into a birthing suite at local Montefiore Hospital to tell off a woman in labor that she should get a real job.
U.S — According to a Department of Homeland Security report, former President Joe Biden’s soft border policies allowed 2,000,000 Flood lifeforms over the border.
MILWAUKEE, WI — After hours of horrifying agony and non-stop screaming, local woman Jessica Poulter was awarded a cool trophy for giving birth without an epidural.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have taken a bold stand by vowing to starve as many food stamp recipients as it takes to get free healthcare for illegal immigrants.
LOS ANGELES, CA — After Monday night’s epic 18-inning marathon Game 3 severely depleted their bullpen, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced that actor Jason Bateman would take the mound for the team in Game 4.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Donald Trump broached the subject of scientific collaboration this week with Tesla Founder and CEO Elon Musk, asking if he could come up with a way to supply precisely 1.21 gigawatts of power to a DeLorean.
TULSA, OK — Local dad William Madsen announced he was excited to show his kids some of the horror and action movies he loved from the 1970s, which must be ok because they’re rated the same as those Toy Story movies.
COLUMBUS, OH — Local dad Tripp Cashton was elated to receive his acceptance to Ninja School after nailing the feat of leaping under a garage door just as it closed.
U.S. — The American Medial Association announced the long battle with American obesity had finally come to an end thanks to EBT benefits running out amidst the ongoing government shut down.
U.S. — Real-world current events spilled over into children’s entertainment once again, as VeggieTales released a new episode with an evil orange character who deports Mr. Lunt.
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — Local toddler Wyatt Carlson clocked in for another long day working at the play kitchen his parents bought him for his birthday.
