JERUSALEM — What had been hailed as one of the wisest decisions of all time was declared null and void today, as a federal judge overturned King Solomon’s verdict and ordered a baby from a recent maternity dispute to be cut in two.
GREENSBORO, NC — A local mother and father joined the crowd gathered for another round of musical recital performances on Saturday, as their son patiently awaited his turn to butcher “Für Elise.”
NEW YORK, NY — In a reversal of yesterday’s announcement, Rockstar Games revealed that the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI is, in fact, available now. Rockstar President and co-founder Sam Houser confirmed that the game was finally completed and ready for digital download immediately — unfortunately, the trumpet of God has sounded and everyone […]
PHOENIX, AZ — New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has officially been named this year’s top U-Haul salesman, ending a record-breaking five-year streak from California Governor Gavin Newsom.
BAGHDAD — Following the death of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, Iraqi government officials finally admitted they actually did have weapons of mass destruction this whole time.
KANSAS CITY, MO — With the conclusion of the World Series, the Major League Baseball season had officially come to an end, leaving one local man looking forward to being sorely disappointed by his favorite team’s offseason moves.
NEW YORK, NY — In a celebratory speech following his historic win in New York City’s mayoral election, Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani promised residents that there was no problem too large for government to make worse.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Norman Shelby, an air traffic controller who works out of LAX, reportedly coped with his missing paycheck as a result of the government shutdown by deliberately sending planes to Duluth, Minnesota, for laughs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the announcement that she was finally retiring from the U.S. Congress and would not seek reelection in 2026, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi prepared herself for a sad future of outsider trading.
Ladies, sometimes you just have to tell your husband a really long, meandering story involving people he doesn’t really know doing things that don’t pertain to him. The important thing is knowing when is the right time to do it.
MCDONALDLAND — Beloved politician and civil servant Mayor McCheese has won reelection as Mayor of McDonaldland for an astounding 60th consecutive term.
PINE BLUFF, AR — In what psychiatrists said can only be described as a true miracle, a man’s depression was once again cured by watching Samwise Gamgee’s famous speech from the end of The Two Towers, in which Sam encourages the despairing Frodo to keep holding on.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the city’s election of an avowed and unrepentant socialist, the U.S. State Department issued an immediate and urgent travel advisory for New York City.
REDMOND, WA — Experts at the DigiPen Institute of Technology confirmed what many have long suspected: the greatest video game of all time is BurgerTime.
RICHMOND, VA — As part of his staff’s afterparty after winning election as Virginia’s next Attorney General, Jay Jones’s campaign sent out a celebratory text message threatening to kill everyone’s children.
NEW YORK, NY — In the wake of his overwhelming election win that signalled a dramatic political shift in the United States, New York City Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani was reportedly horrified to wake up this morning and discover that he now had a job.
U.S. — You can rest assured that the decision you made was the correct one, as the doctor who just handed you a bill for $450,000 has also informed you that opting for surgery rather than other potential remedies was in your best interests.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — The elderly Jewish community is reportedly at a crossroads this Election Day, torn between a man who would kill them for being Jewish and a man who would kill them for being elderly.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT