UNKNOWN LOCATION — The infamous hacker known as Morpheus reportedly encountered a desperate 40-year-old, where he offered the man the ultimate choice: a red pill of ibuprofen, or a pink pill of Pepto-Bismol.
U.S. — Concerns have arisen that the Hallmark Channel has finally exhausted its supply of movie plots after the network announced A Celestial Christmas, a Christmas love story set in outer space.
NEW YORK CITY — Judge Maxwell Wiley has ordered the jury in Daniel Penny’s trial to go back and keep on deliberating until they come back with a different verdict.
President Joe Biden has been under fire this week for pardoning his son, Hunter, leaving political experts and the general public wondering what else he might have up his sleeve before leaving office next month.
EDEN — The local man who had been given dominion over the earth reportedly attempted to raise the temperature in the garden this week, as Adam cunningly yet casually suggested to his wife, Eve, that she try a shorter haircut.
LONDON — Authorities announced the arrest of a walking and talking bear with an affinity for marmalade who, they say, asked a Muslim immigrant to be more kind and polite.
U.S. — According to the findings of a groundbreaking new study, 100% of your Super Smash Bros. losses only happened because you had the bad controller.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest step in his quest to make America healthy again, incoming Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that the “five-second rule” will now be reduced to the “three-second rule.”
BENTONVILLE, AK — Sources within Walmart’s corporate offices confirmed that the company will be terminating its DEI program and instead adopt a policy of treating all its employees like garbage regardless of their race or gender.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yet another of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees continued to face an uphill battle for conformation from the Senate, as potential Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was deemed “morally unqualified” by a room filled with satanic pedophiles.
Our first movie, January 6: The Most Deadliest Day, is now available on DVD! It’s perfect for people who haven’t heard of the internet, your grandparents, and film buffs who prefer to watch cinema in glorious 480p.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government’s judicial branch continued to methodically work through remaining cases before the upcoming holiday break, with the United States Supreme Court ruling 8-1 in favor of taking turns bonking Justice Sonia Sotomayor on the head with their gavels.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government’s judicial branch continued to methodically work through remaining cases before the upcoming holiday break, with the United States Supreme Court ruling 8-1 in favor of taking turns bonking Justice Sonia Sotomayor on the head with their gavels.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden issued another controversial pardon for his son Hunter this week which exonerates him for “what he may or may not do tonight between 2:30 and 4:17 AM outside the Capitol Heights Applebee’s.”
CANADA — The celebrities who fled the U.S. in horror following Trump’s presidential victory are finding themselves right back where they started: under the tyrannical iron fist of Trump’s authoritarian will. Trump’s surprise announcement to annex Canada has sent ripples through the persecuted celebrity community.
U.S. — Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra announced in a press conference Thursday that, going forward, every single human behavior would now be classified as either Autism Spectrum Disorder or ADHD.
U.S. — In what sources described as a “cruel” step to reduce waste of taxpayer funding at all levels, the Department of Government Efficiency has announced plans to force government offices to use only single-ply toilet paper.
NORTH POLE — A somber mood reportedly spread quickly among the workforce at Santa’s workshop this week, as 75% of the elves on staff were laid off after Elon Musk visited the North Pole.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local loser Melvin Thompson, who apparently has no desire to own a billion-dollar mega yacht, declared crypto “stupid” earlier this week.
LONDON — A recent poll conducted by the University of Oxford just revealed that “Allahu Akbar” has officially replaced “Cheerio, mate!” as the most popular greeting in the UK.
LONDON — A recent poll conducted by the University of Oxford just revealed that “Allahu Akbar” has officially replaced “Cheerio, mate!” as the most popular greeting in the UK.
NEW YORK CITY — Jury deliberations in the trial of Daniel Penny were delayed this afternoon after three of the nine jurors were severely beaten on the subway while trying to reach the courthouse.
Featured News
Click on this icon next to any post to promote it here!
1
