Dad Tears Up A Little As Son Shouts ‘I Have The High Ground!’ During Lightsaber Duel (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 16th 2024 9:21pm EDTMISHICOT, WA — According to sources, local dad Allan Paxton found himself tearing up a little after hearing his son Jason shout: “It’s over, Billy! I have the high ground!” during a toy lightsaber duel with his friend Billy.
Trump And Biden To Debate Again In Clear Sign Of God’s Judgment On America (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 16th 2024 5:49pm EDTU.S. — Donald Trump and Joe Biden have agreed to debate once again, confirming what many theologians feared: God is pouring out his judgment upon America.
Donald Trump’s 7 Debate Demands Revealed (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 16th 2024 4:52pm EDTDetails were still being ironed out, but it was confirmed yesterday that the world could now look forward to another debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. While Biden’s list of conditions to agree to the debate made the rounds on social media, Trump’s list of demands was not made public… until now.
Man Still Waiting For Puzzle-Solving Skills He Developed Playing ‘Myst’ To Become Useful (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 16th 2024 3:39pm EDTLINCOLN, NE — As he neared middle age, a local man found himself still waiting for the puzzle-solving skills he developed playing the 1990s computer game Myst to become useful in other areas of his life.
Sports Illustrated Goes Bankrupt Trying To Provide Enough Catering For Cover Model Shoot (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 16th 2024 2:41pm EDTU.S. — Sports Illustrated has declared bankruptcy after trying to provide enough catering for their latest plus-size model photo shoot. Sources say the company ran out of money halfway through the shoot and was forced to file for Chapter 11 as the models were demanding more food.
‘Harrison Butker Does Not Reflect Our Values,’ Says League Of Woman Beaters (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 16th 2024 2:01pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — In response to angry outcry from feminists regarding statements he made in a commencement speech, the NFL issued a statement that Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker does not represent the values of the rest of the league of woman beaters.
Small Town Warns That Due To Biden Rally Today, Traffic Will Be Significantly Lighter Than Usual (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 16th 2024 1:17pm EDTSENOIA, GA — Officials are reporting significantly reduced traffic volumes in the areas around Senoia today. A town spokesperson said this is due to a Biden rally happening downtown later this afternoon.
Pro-Lifer Released From Prison After Saying She Was Blocking Abortion Clinic For Palestine (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 6:22pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a dramatic turn of events, pro-life activist Lauren Handy was released from prison today after explaining that she was simply blocking an abortion clinic to help “Free Palestine”.
Nancy Pelosi Begins Dressing As Hobo After Learning San Francisco Giving Vodka Shots To Homeless (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 5:42pm EDTSAN FRANCISCO, CA — Bay Area residents were doing double-takes today, as Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi began dressing as a hobo after learning San Francisco was giving free vodka shots to the homeless.
‘Let’s Get Drunk And Hurl Razor-Sharp Winged Needles Across The Bar,’ Says Man In Historic Stroke Of Genius (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 4:23pm EDTLONDON — While contemplating the best way to pass their time at the tavern, a group of local men began brainstorming various activities they could engage in, with the result on this particular day being one of the greatest leaps forward in history for mankind.
With Tithing Down, Pastor Announces Today’s Sermon Is Brought To You By Dave’s Auto Body Repair Shop (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 3:52pm EDTMALVERN, PA — Pastor James Tanner announced this morning at church that tithes were down at Malvern Presbyterian, and also that the morning sermon was sponsored by Dave’s Auto Body Repair Shop.
Dublin Opens Portal To Hell — Oh, Wait, It’s Just New York (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 3:09pm EDTDUBLIN — Horrified onlookers were left stunned and disgusted while peering through what they believed could only have been a portal to Hell itself before being told that they were only looking at New York City.
Local Hero Prevents Red Lobster From Closing Down By Continuing To Order Endless Shrimp (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 2:45pm EDTJEFFERSON CITY, MO — After making national headlines with its headquarters announcing that it was closing dozens of locations in multiple states across the country, hero Sam Harrell has kept one Red Lobster’s doors open by continuing to order more endless shrimp.
Here Are Biden’s 10 Conditions For Debating Trump (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 2:10pm EDTBrought to you by: Backyard Butchers
President Biden Dies 13 Times While Filming Video Challenging Trump To Debate (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 15th 2024 10:48am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to film a fourteen second video challenging former President Trump to a debate, President Biden tragically passed away thirteen times.
‘Hang On, Let Me Check The Distance With My Rangefinder,’ Says Guy About To Duff Ball 6 Inches (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 14th 2024 5:09pm EDTSCOTTSDALE, AZ — As dozens of avid golfers enjoyed a beautiful day on courses throughout the area, one local player asked his companions to give him a moment to survey how much range he would need for his next shot before duffing the ball six inches.
Exercise And 10 Other Dangerous Far-Right Health Conspiracies (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 14th 2024 3:59pm EDTDo you stay active to maintain your physical fitness? If so, it’s a foregone conclusion that you’re a far-right extremist, whether you knew it or not. In fact, exercise isn’t the only dangerous right-wing health conspiracy invading American life.
White House Installs Breathalyzer On Kamala Harris’s Microphone (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 14th 2024 2:08pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid further embarrassment from bewildering and offensive speeches, White House officials have installed a breathalyzer on Kamala Harris’s microphone.
Bud Light Announces Genius Comeback Plan To Wait Until Everyone Who Hates Them Dies Of Old Age (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 14th 2024 12:20pm EDTST. LOUIS, MO — Marketing executives for Anheuser-Busch have announced a comeback plan for their struggling beer brand Bud Light. According to the company, the plan involves waiting several decades until the consumers who currently hate the brand die of old age.
37-Year Old Man Pretty Sure He Missed His Calling To Serve On A Ticonderoga-Class Guided Missile Cruiser (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 14th 2024 11:49am EDTSAN DIEGO, CA — It was while looking out his conference room window upon the Naval fleet parked in the bay area that local man Daniel McCarty became certain he missed his calling to serve on a Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser.
In Crazy New Video, MrBeast Blows Up The Sun With Over 400 Nuclear Missiles (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 13th 2024 7:20pm EDTU.S. — A brand new video released by popular YouTuber MrBeast shows him firing 400 nuclear missiles to destroy the sun and plunge the solar system into eternal darkness for charity.
9 Troubling Signs Your Wife Is An Undercover FBI Agent (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 13th 2024 6:04pm EDTEveryone is on the lookout for the feds these days, but have you ever considered the possibility that you may be in bed with the FBI… literally?
Study Finds 100% Of Men Cooking On Grill Just Kinda Moving Meat Around And Hoping For The Best (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 13th 2024 5:18pm EDTWACO, TX — With summer barbecue season about to heat up, a new study has found that a remarkable 100% of men cooking on a grill were just kinda moving meat around and hoping for the best.
New York Builds Separate Massive Courthouse Just For Prosecuting Trump (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 13th 2024 4:01pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — With his case against Trump beginning to crumble, DA Alvin Bragg has announced several dozen new cases against the former President, and a brand-new courthouse completely dedicated to prosecuting Trump.
College Students Announce Indefinite Hunger Strike For Palestine Between 10 AM And Noon And Also Between 1 PM and 5 PM Every Day Except For Some Light Snacking (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 13th 2024 1:12pm EDTU.S. — College Students protesting Israel announced an indefinite hunger strike on Monday, which they say will occur between the hours of 10 AM and 5 PM, with an hour for lunch at noon with only some light snacking permitted from time to time.