SATIRE – Overweight Man Reassures Doctor That His 8.5% Weight Inflation Is No Longer A Problem As His Weight Inflation This Month Is 0
The Babylon Bee - Aug 18th 2022 5:48pm EDTKNOXVILLE, TN — According to sources local man Derrick Chatum has been putting on weight at an alarming rate. This year alone, his weight inflation has swelled to 8.5%. To put his concerned doctor at ease, Derrick has explained that his weight inflation for the month is 0.
SATIRE – Catholics Unveil High-Capacity Assault Rosary
The Babylon Bee - Aug 18th 2022 5:06pm EDTVATICAN CITY — Pope Francis issued a papal bull Thursday authorizing the production of a new HM-18X Assault Rosary. The pope detailed key features of the innovative new rosary in his edict, including rapid-fire decades, an extended crucifix clip, and a laser sight for as yet undisclosed reasons.
SATIRE – Hillary Clinton Spotted Desperately Trying To Refill Lake Mead Before More Bodies Surface
The Babylon Bee - Aug 18th 2022 3:47pm EDTLAS VEGAS, NEVADA — As the water levels of Lake Meade continue to go down, more human remains are being found. In response to this recent development, Hillary Clinton has been spotted outside Lake Meade desperately trying to fill the lake back up with a garden hose.
SATIRE – Stelter Forced Out At CNN After Being Accused Of Sexual Harassment By Mrs. Potato Head
The Babylon Bee - Aug 18th 2022 2:37pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — Beloved CNN host of Reliable Sources Brian Stelter is being let go from the network after being accused of sexual misconduct by Mrs. Potato Head.
SATIRE – Progressive Mother Tells Daughter That She’s Beautiful Just The Way She Is, Unless She’s Trans In Which Case She’ll Need Extensive Plastic Surgery
The Babylon Bee - Aug 18th 2022 2:15pm EDTOTTAWA HILLS, OH — According to sources, local mother Karen White had a talk with her struggling 14-year-old daughter who believes herself to be less pretty than her friends at school. During the conversation, Mrs. White reassured her daughter that she’s beautiful and perfect just the way she is — unless she’s trans — in […]
SATIRE – ‘I’m Not Dead Yet!’ Insists Biden As He’s Loaded Onto Cart Of Corpses
The Babylon Bee - Aug 18th 2022 11:19am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was loaded onto a convenient death cart Wednesday despite protests that he was not yet deceased. Witnesses claim the president wriggled a bit in the grip of Vice President Kamala Harris as she insisted he was pretty much as good as dead and attempted to load him onto the […]
SATIRE – 10 Other Things Martin Luther Nailed To That Church Door
The Babylon Bee - Aug 17th 2022 6:58pm EDTBrought to you by Revelation Media:
SATIRE – Church Puzzled By Low Attendance At Its ‘Sit Around and Talk About Your Feelings’ Men’s Conference
The Babylon Bee - Aug 17th 2022 5:09pm EDTTUCSON, AZ — Staff at Vertical Abundant Grace are scratching their heads wondering why there is little to no attendance at their most recent Men’s Conference. The sharp decline has caused many to reevaluate what’s not working about getting a bunch of men together to cry about all their problems and issues.
SATIRE – Man In His 30s Still Waiting For Breakthrough Moment Where He Knows What He’s Doing
The Babylon Bee - Aug 17th 2022 4:13pm EDTRADFORD, VA — Local teacher Bryan Smith confirmed to reporters from his local news station that he had not yet figured out what he was doing. He told them that despite having “faked it” for 15 years, he was no closer to “having a real plan” than when he graduated high school.
SATIRE – Trump Voter Excited To See Whether He’ll Get Raided By FBI Or Gunned Down By IRS
The Babylon Bee - Aug 17th 2022 3:20pm EDTDENVER, CO — Local man Walter Bishop is reportedly excited to find out whether he will soon be raided by the FBI or gunned down by the IRS. The longtime conservative is reportedly ecstatic to show people how right he was about the slippery slope he’s been warning everyone about.
SATIRE – Kindergarten Teacher Asks Kids What Gender They Want To Be When They Grow Up
The Babylon Bee - Aug 17th 2022 12:48pm EDTWINNETKA, IL — According to sources, a local kindergarten teacher Marion Buntley helped to expand her young students’ minds by asking them to draw a picture of what gender they want to be when they grow up.
SATIRE – What All Those Car Warning Lights Mean – A Guide for Women
The Babylon Bee - Aug 17th 2022 10:35am EDTCars are incredible contraptions. But what do all the funny lights on the dashboard mean? Ladies, this handy guide is for you!
SATIRE – Producers Confirm Liz Cheney Will Not Be Back For Season 2 Of January 6 Hearings
The Babylon Bee - Aug 17th 2022 10:03am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — After a critically acclaimed first season that was allegedly watched by some people, the producers of the January 6th Hearings have sadly confirmed that their star Liz Cheney will not be returning for season 2.
SATIRE – Touching: LeBron Spends Time In The Backyard With His Son Teaching Him How To Flop
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 6:32pm EDTBEVERLY HILLS, CA — Lebron James was spotted teaching his son Bronny basic basketball fundamentals on Tuesday, according to TMZ and assorted stalkers. In a touching father-son moment caught on camera, the NBA star taught his boy how to flop.
SATIRE – 10 Telltale Signs You’re About To Get Raided By The FBI
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 4:46pm EDTFrom investigating school board parents to raiding Mar-a-Lago, the FBI is on a rampage! Who will they raid next? It could be you!
SATIRE – 10 Telltale Signs You’re About To Get Raided By The FBI
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 4:46pm EDTFrom investigating school board parents to raiding Mar-a-Lago, the FBI is on a rampage! Who will they raid next? It could be you!
SATIRE – Boston Children’s Hospital Throws Child Off Roof After She Claims To Be A Bird
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 2:57pm EDTBOSTON, MA — This week, Boston Children’s Hospital made history by throwing the first child off the roof based on the child’s “felt need to have their birdhood affirmed.” The child is now back in treatment in Boston Children’s Hospital for broken bones, but the hospital is standing by its decision to fling the child […]
SATIRE – Pastor Up Late Looking For Perfect Bible Verse To Go With Funny Life Anecdote
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 2:29pm EDTCOSTA MESA, CA — In order to make his upcoming Sunday message as entertaining as possible, a local pastor plans to stay up late in search of the perfect Bible verse to compliment the hilarious personal experience he wants to share.
SATIRE – President Biden Sad To Hear That Nice Blonde Nurse Who Always Follows Him Around Has COVID
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 2:08pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — White House sources say President Biden expressed sadness upon hearing that the nice blonde nurse who always follows him around every day has come down with COVID.
SATIRE – So-Called Conservative Hasn’t Even Been Raided By The FBI Yet
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 12:17pm EDTCARMEL, IN — According to several reports, so-called “conservative” Mike Pence hasn’t even been raided by the FBI yet.
SATIRE – Thousands Of Kindergartners Dropped Off Across Nation For First Day Of Grooming
The Babylon Bee - Aug 16th 2022 11:18am EDTU.S. — This week, thousands of kindergartners across the U.S. are being dropped off at their local public school for their first day of grooming.
SATIRE – Aunt’s Facebook Account Hacked Again
The Babylon Bee - Aug 15th 2022 7:34pm EDTALEXANDRIA, LA — In an unsurprising and perfectly predictable turn of events, Aunt Alice’s Facebook account was hacked again. Friends and family were notified of the third hack this year when they each received a private message from her account introducing a hot new way to make money through crypto-backed NFT eBay listings. Powered by […]
SATIRE – 9 Things You Can Do With 150K Instead Of Paying A College To Brainwash Your Kid
The Babylon Bee - Aug 15th 2022 5:38pm EDTBrought to you by Leadership Institute:
SATIRE – Brand New Tactical Knife Is The Same One Used By Navy SEALs To Open Their Wives’ Amazon Packages
The Babylon Bee - Aug 15th 2022 4:58pm EDTHARBOR CITY, CA — Hara-Kiri Blades has released a new tactical knife that is the same one used by Navy SEALs to open the Amazon packages their wives receive. This marks the first time the knife, called Boxer MK 4 Navy Knife, is available to the public.
SATIRE – Woman Who Was A Tomboy Thanks God She Didn’t Grow Up Today When Her Boobs Would Get Hacked Off
The Babylon Bee - Aug 15th 2022 4:39pm EDTLOS ANGELES, CA — According to sources, local woman Carli Bamkins — who was a tomboy in the ’90s — is thanking God she didn’t grow up today when her boobs would get hacked off by a gender surgeon.