SATIRE – We Can’t Wait To Watch ‘Stranger Things,’ But Why Aren’t We Searching For Spiritual Things? — Op-Ed By Youth Pastor
The Babylon Bee - Aug 3rd 2022 2:08pm EDTSo often we find ourselves eager to see a new episode of Stranger Things. We will immediately drop whatever it is we are doing, cancel plans, and sit for hours watching closely, hanging on every word. But the thought occurred to me: why aren‘t we searching for SPIRITUAL THINGS?!
SATIRE – Saint Anthony Asks God What He Did To Deserve An Eternity Of Looking For Everyone’s Car Keys
The Babylon Bee - Aug 3rd 2022 1:35pm EDTHEAVEN — After living a life of poverty famously dedicated to evangelization, Saint Anthony asked God today what on earth he did to now deserve an eternity of looking around for people’s keys and cell phones.
SATIRE – Wife Calms Down After Wise Counsel From Husband
The Babylon Bee - Aug 3rd 2022 12:54pm EDTSOUTH BEND, IN — After finding herself unnecessarily upset about a thoughtful critique from her husband regarding her shoe collection and a dearth of closet space, dutiful wife Clarissa Zwygart was able to calm down after her husband wisely counseled her to calm down.
SATIRE – Sodom And Gomorrah Declare State Of Emergency Over Monkeypox
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 7:24pm EDTSODOM AND GOMORRAH — Both the city of Sodom and the city of Gomorrah have declared a state of emergency immediately in response to the Monkeypox outbreak. The cities are now providing all the resources they can so citizens can continue their orgies without interruption.
SATIRE – After Declaring State Of Emergency In California For Monkeypox, Gavin Newsom Seen At French Laundry Orgy
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 7:02pm EDTYOUNTVILLE, CA — Just hours after California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency to slow the spread of the monkeypox virus, he was photographed attending an orgy at The French Laundry, the same upscale restaurant where he dined during the COVID lockdowns last year.
SATIRE – After Unfortunate Autocorrect Error, Thousands Of Condemned Souls Sent To He’ll
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 5:16pm EDTGATES OF HE’LL — After an autocorrect error slipped through in the sorting of souls, thousands of the damned were accidentally sent to he’ll for eternity.
SATIRE – Man Taken Up Into Heaven After Stopping Gas Pump Exactly On The ‘.00’
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 4:19pm EDTOCEANSIDE, CA — A local man has been taken up directly to heaven after managing to miraculously stop a gas pump exactly on the “.00” while filling up his car, sources say.
SATIRE – Authorities Arrive To Confiscate Husband’s Man Card After He Calls Handyman To Fix Faucet
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 2:57pm EDTLAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — Authorities announced their arrival at the home of Blake Blertherberg with a terse knock on his front door. They were there to confiscate his man card after he had called a handyman to fix a faucet, like the sad excuse for a man he is.
SATIRE – Infographic: Trump vs. Biden – Who’s Doing A Better Job?
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 2:16pm EDTBiden’s two years into his presidency, blowing through all expectations of how long he would live after his inauguration. How does he stack up with Trump? Let’s take a look at this comprehensive side-by-side comparison:
SATIRE – Monkeypox Symbol Added To Pride Flag
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 2:00pm EDTSAN FRANCISCO, CA – The LGBTQ+ lobby has added the Monekypox symbol to the Pride Flag in honor of their ever-evolving movement for freedom and equity.
SATIRE – Biden Drone Strike Accidentally Kills Terrorist Leader Instead Of Car Full Of Children
The Babylon Bee - Aug 2nd 2022 11:07am EDTKABUL — Biden is demanding answers after a precision drone strike in Afghanistan actually killed a real terrorist leader named Ayman al-Zawahiri instead of a car full of innocent children, as is tradition.
SATIRE – Husband And Wife Ask Each Other What They Want For Dinner Over And Over Until They Starve To Death
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 8:20pm EDTSIOUX FALLS, SD — According to sources, local married couple Keith and Rebecca Powell can’t decide what they want to eat for dinner, and have each decided to ask one another what they want for dinner over and over until they both starve.
SATIRE – Democrats Propose $800 Billion ‘If You Don’t Vote For This You Hate Puppies’ Spending Bill
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 5:46pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans face a difficult choice this week, as Democrats have introduced a bill to save puppies but attached billions in unrelated spending. Conservatives may propose amendments, but hesitate to oppose the bill since it is named “If You Don’t Vote For This You Hate Puppies.”
SATIRE – Tyler Perry Launches ‘Madea+’ Streaming Service With Access To All 6 Million Madea Movies
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 5:15pm EDTATLANTA, GA — In an effort to better serve his loyal audience, comedian-producer-writer-actor-entertainer-singer-songwriter-supermarket customer-congressional lobbyist-world conqueror Tyler Perry has announced the launching of his own Madea+ streaming service.
SATIRE – Wife Quietly Disables Smoke Alarm Before Preparing Dinner
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 4:14pm EDTBATTLE MOUNTAIN, NV — Wife and stay-at-home mom Maria Bruciato began preparing Sunday dinner by opening her recipe book, pulling out required ingredients, and quietly disabling all of the smoke alarms in the house.
SATIRE – Putin Awards Self Medal Of Freedom For Dropping Gas Prices
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 3:08pm EDTMOSCOW — After months of singlehandedly raising America’s gas prices without any help whatsoever from the Biden administration, Russian President Vladimir Putin has mercifully given Americans a short break by lowering the price at the pump. For his benevolence and valor, he has awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
SATIRE – NFL Sentences Deshaun Watson To 3 Seasons Of Playing For The Cleveland Browns
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 2:28pm EDTCLEVELAND, OH — After months of deliberation over allegations of sexual harassment and assault, the NFL came down hard on Deshaun Watson today by sentencing him to three whole seasons of playing for the Cleveland Browns.
SATIRE – Pelosi Cancels Taiwan Trip Over Fears of China’s Newly Developed Vodka-Seeking Missile
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 1:50pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been forced to cancel her planned flight to Taiwan after China announced they have developed deadly surface-to-air vodka-seeking missiles.
SATIRE – Biden: ‘We Are In A Pandemic Of The Quadruple Vaccinated’
The Babylon Bee - Aug 1st 2022 11:35am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief address to the nation after once again testing positive for COVID, President Biden warned that we are now in a pandemic of the “quadruple vaccinated.”
SATIRE – Peter And Andrew Disappointed To Learn They Will Not Actually Be Catching Men With Giant Novelty Fish Hooks
The Babylon Bee - Jul 31st 2022 4:56pm EDTGALILEE — Local fishermen Peter and Andrew were deeply disappointed to discover today that Jesus was not, in fact, going to teach them to catch humans with giant novelty fish hooks.
SATIRE – Strong, Independent Woman Needs Man To Leave Toilet Seat Down Or She Will Literally Fall In
The Babylon Bee - Jul 31st 2022 11:12am EDTHENDERSON, NV — Tough, independent woman Maggie Stallings once again told her husband today that he absolutely must leave the toilet seat down or she will actually fall into the commode.
SATIRE – Joel Osteen Berates Apostle Paul For Negative Self-Talk About Being ‘Chief Of Sinners’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 31st 2022 11:10am EDTHOUSTON, TX — Joel Osteen took the Apostle Paul to task on Sunday, calling out his awful habit of negative self-talk and overly mournful diatribes.
SATIRE – Pileup At All-Female Tour De France After Woman In Front Stops To Ask For Directions
The Babylon Bee - Jul 30th 2022 4:08pm EDTFRANCE — A spectacular crash at the Tour de France Femmes, the first-ever all-female Tour de France event following the main race, was reportedly caused by the woman in front stopping to ask for directions.
SATIRE – 11 Woke Changes Coming to Grand Theft Auto
The Babylon Bee - Jul 30th 2022 12:28pm EDTJust when you thought the woke monster couldn’t add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here are 11 woke changes coming with the release of Grand Theft Auto […]
SATIRE – Boomer Begins Voicemail By Listing Off All The Information Your Phone Already Provided
The Babylon Bee - Jul 30th 2022 9:30am EDTHUNTINGTON, NY — Local woman Christine Upton listened patiently this morning to a voicemail from her boomer father, who spent the first thirty seconds carefully listing information her phone had already provided.