RFK, Jr. is on the war path and he’s taking all the artificial food dyes with him. But why? We consulted with the world’s finest doctors to learn why artificial dyes are so dangerous.
RFK, Jr. is on the war path and he’s taking all the artificial food dyes with him. But why? We consulted with the world’s finest doctors to learn why artificial dyes are so dangerous.
MILES CITY, MT — Three local children reportedly called on their father to please stop referring to them as the fruit of his loins, citing untold embarrassment.
Speculation has been swirling about President Donald Trump’s health, with some people even spreading wild rumors that he died over the weekend. What’s the real story?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a day political insiders feared but knew was inevitable, Representative Jerry Nadler was forced to retire from the U.S. Congress after being fully consumed by his own pants.
CHICAGO, IL — City officials were relieved to get some unexpectedly positive news following the holiday weekend, as Chicago shootings were reportedly down, as the guy who keeps track of all the shootings got shot.
LONDON — In a courageous display of British defense of law and order, English bobbies were seen racing past five stabbings to tackle an offensive social media poster.
U.S. — One of the world’s most revered musical geniuses was heard from for the first time in nearly two centuries, as the ghost of Ludwig van Beethoven expressed tremendous joy after hearing his magnum opus being used in a toothpaste commercial.
GAZA — Following news that the diminutive eco-geopolitical activist was once again planning to set sail to arrive in support of the Palestinian cause, Hamas terrorists released an official statement distancing themselves from Greta Thunberg.
Christians, you might have noticed, have their own unique way of talking that can seem like a completely different language. To help you translate, the Babylon Bee has compiled this handy updated guide to Christian phrases:
LOS ANGELOS, CA — Following President Trump’s recent cancellation of Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection, the former Vice-President was seen fleeing dozens of international assassins.
IRVINE, CA — The pastor of Lord’s Vine Church has reportedly taken the lead drummer from their praise team aside and formally warned him to stop adding the drum fill from Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” to every worship song.
AMARILLO, TX — After local man Jeremy Long got home from work a little early on Thursday he was greeted by a wife wearing pajamas, forcing him to consider whether or not she was “already” in pajamas or “still” in pajamas.
UKRAINE — Following constructive talks about ending their war, the leaders of Russia and Ukraine have reportedly reached a new type of truce where they keep bombing each other indefinitely.
WALKERVILLE — Students at Walkerville Elementary School will reportedly be held back a year after it came to light that their teacher, Ms. Valerie Frizzle, shrank them down to miniature size to spend the year in some guy’s blood instead of teaching them to read.
U.S. — Health Secretary RFK Jr promised to make Americans healthier by ordering a thorough review of airline chemtrails to ensure that they don’t contain any seed oils.
TACOMA, WA — Local waiter Jesse Carter flipped a coin Wednesday night to determine if he was going to go check on his patrons every five minutes or take their orders and never come back to their table ever again.
U.S. — Hasbro Gaming announced that it was expanding its board game library with a brand-new version of Clue, where you blame the murder weapon and never solve any crimes. Clue: Liberal Edition was being called the most interesting update in years for the popular game.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his ongoing efforts to expedite the deportation of illegal aliens, President Donald Trump introduced an official “Wheel of Random Country You Get Deported To” that he can spin to figure out where he’s sending people.
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